“Don’t Look at the Fat-Ass Losers and Freaks, Look at ME!”

It seems KDiddy tagged me for a meme (wow, could I say “me” a bit more? ME! MEMEMEMEMEMMEEEEE!) that requires me to list six of my “quirks.” An interesting word, “quirk.” For it is widely known that only cute people have quirks, the rest of us are just annoying.

Oh my God, shut up Amelie.

Flicker

We went in for an ultrasound today. The midwife wanted to get a better idea of how far along I was, because I apparently look like the shifty sort who enjoys lying about her last menstrual period. After spending an interesting hour in the waiting room trying not to barf on my lap, we went in. Pants were taken off, goo was applied (hey, this is sounding remarkably like my freshman year of college…), and we saw what looked like a little peanut with – what was that? That little flickering thing? Hey, is that…?

…a heartbeat. Officially better than pickles.

You’re pretty fucking awesome, little peanut. Even if you come out looking like this. Actually, you’re even MORE awesome if you come out wearing a monocle and spats. I mean – SPATS! It doesn’t get much cooler than that. Just leave that cane behind, would you? Ouch.

Thanks, and Please Pass the Pickles

You GUYS. THANK YOU. Seriously. It means a lot. And I even had some people de-lurk! Who knew I had such lovely lurkers?! Not me! So welcome, lurkers. You’re looking mighty fine today.

I’m really still in shock from the events of the past 21 days. My life looks the same, but everything is completely different. The other day, it occurred to me that the next time I feel the pleasant numbness of a bourbon on the rocks, I WILL HAVE A CHILD, and I nearly fell out of my chair.

Don’t you…forget about me.

Crying Uncle

Internet, I simply cannot bear to keep this to myself any longer:

Yes, those are mine. Yes, they are positive. Yes, I am still pissing my pants with glee and what-the-fuck?-ery. Can you please hand me that towel?

The Girl Who Always Sleeps Visits the City That Doesn’t

You know those friends who you’ve known forever, and most of the time they’re great, but every now and then they pull some straight-up bullshit that pisses you right off, and you swear you have NO IDEA why you bother being friends with them…and then everyone cools down and things are copasetic again?

Say hello to my little friend.

I Wanna Be a Part of It

Brad is traveling to New York City today to sit on a fancy-schmancy board, wielding his great and mighty power to decide who will and will not receive grants from a particular institution – a process I imagine looks something like this:

Responsible for 99% of my nightmares between ages 5 and 7.

“You Are Withdrawn, Dull, Shy, and Sullen,” and Other Fun Things I Learned at a Motivational Seminar

If you’re anything like me and you toil away (or have ever toiled away) inside the beige confines of an office environment, you’ve no doubt been forced (or “strongly encouraged”) to attend some sort of corporate motivational seminar, an experience akin to, say, getting a staple stuck inside your eyelid, or being forced to drive cross-country with Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Oh my God, when will this bitch shut up?