I Gotta Be Me

One of the great loves of teenage Jive Turkey (besides rolling her eyes and crying over the Elephant Man) was The Far Side. You know, that crazy little one-panel cartoon with the talking cows and such? LOVED IT. Owned every single collection and calendar that was ever released. The punchlines still get stuck in my head from time to time. Lately, this is the one I keep coming back to:

This is the point at which my mother would say, “These make me nervous because I never get them.”

Oh God, These Are Good!

I finally found the perfect example of what this pregnancy hunger feels like:

LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING!

Trimesters and Tribulations

Why, hello there, Internet. I didn’t hear you come in. Sit down, why don’t you, and make yourself at home. I’d really like to spill my guts to you about a bunch of work- and family-related stuff that is still forefront in my mind these days, but…I can’t. Those things are just off-limits for the ol’ blogosphere, and that’s that. I’m trying to be mature about it, but I think we all know how those efforts usually pan out.

I wonder if they have some sort of direct deposit program.

Headline News

Internet, is CNN.com hurting for readers or page views or something? Because whoever’s in charge of writing the headlines over there is trying just a little bit too hard. Either that, or imbibing a little too much Cutty Sark with breakfast. I mean, I get that a headline should be short, concise, and attention-grabbing, but I think they’re going a little far here. To wit:

Cheers & Jeers: Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball Edition

Internet, it seems I’m running high on hormones and low on patience these days, a combination usually resulting in restraining orders, trial separations, and guest spots on Maury. So, before I end up breaking a chair over some bitch’s face on a daytime television show sponsored solely by advertisements for slip-and-fall attorneys and the culinary institute, I figured I’d better do some therapeutic online venting. It’s either that or marinating my prenatal vitamins in Tanqueray, and I think the choice is clear.

Am I Being Pregnant?

Someone found my site by Googling:

“my ovary exploded am i being pregnant?”

Uh. No?

Actually, I think she needs to get in touch with the person who found my site by Googling “marijuana pajamas.” Sounds like she could use the diversion.

“Dude, I don’t care if I AM being pregnant. These pajamas are awesome.”

Barrel of Monkeys

My dear friend, Deez, used to date a rather laid-back gentleman when we were roommates in college. He was, unlike us, a very quiet sort. In fact, I’m pretty sure in the 2 years Deez and I lived together, I probably only heard him speak a grand total of maybe 5 sentences. Somewhere along the line, when Deez was frustrated with Mr. Cool, Calm and Collected for his apparent lack of the fun gene, she (or I? or someone else? I can’t remember) sarcastically referred to him as a Barrel of Monkeys, which the two of us thought was just THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. I mean, HIM? A barrel of monkeys?!

Uh…we were kind of high. A lot.