Boo! No, Really: BOO

Well, Internet, it seems that Halloween is upon us. And, as usual, I have some things to say about it.

Let me start by telling you what A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA it is to buy your trick-or-treat candy six days in advance. I have gotten most of my nutrients this week from miniature Twix bars.

PAY IT FORWARD: Breakfast At McDonald’s

WARNING: This post is not in any way delicious, so before your mouth starts watering for hash browns and sausage biscuits and other foodstuffs that qualify as pre-exisiting conditions, let me stop you right there. Nope, no hotcakes or breakfast burritos here. In fact, the only thing this forward really has to do with McDonald’s is that it made me grimace.

I’m hatin’ it.

Two Days, Twelve Years

Well, Internet, if there was an antidote to last weekend, it was definitely this weekend.

Proximity to multiple wineries = antidote to pretty much anything.

Show Me That Smile Again

So, I was PLANNING on posting another PAY IT FORWARD! today (and it’s a doozy, I assure you), and I was already rushed because of the insane clusterfuckery that is two neurotic parents preparing to leave their preciouswonderfulperfectangelbaby with relatives for the weekend, and then last night when I was bathing Sadie, she grabbed my finger and started chewing and that’s when I felt…something sharp.

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!

(Uh, by the way, have you seen this picture of Lil Jon in high school?

WHAT? OKAAAAAYYYYY!)

Yes, my GROWING-UP-WAY-TOO-FAST 6-month old is cutting her first tooth, which explains her recent ability to go from zero to OMG! FML! in less than 60 seconds. This is all happening just in time for our weekend away, meaning we are saddling her poor, unsuspecting aunt and uncle with a teething baby. I am currently feeling three things:

1. Relief at being able to have someone else deal with Guy Smiley for the weekend;
2. INSANE GUILT AND WORRY because me and my magical calming rack will not be around to soothe her;
3. Sympathy for my brother-in-law and his wife.

Good Lord, I hope not. It’s going to be really hard to find a sitter after that.

Enjoy your weekend, Internet.  See you on the other (much toothier) side.

Germ Warfare

Internet, I am sick.  I have not been this sick in more than two years thanks to obsessive-compulsive handwashing, awesome prenatal vitamins and having no previous reason to see the inside of a daycare, and I am not handling it well.

Hey look! It’s me getting out of bed this morning.

Cheers & Jeers: I Am Actually Relieved It’s Monday Edition

You know how sometimes you’ll dread something for weeks and weeks, constantly visualizing the worst-case scenarios that will SURELY come about, and bemoaning each day that brings you closer to The Suck…and then it ends up being not nearly as bad as you’d feared? Yeah. That was not this weekend.

PAY IT FORWARD: Oh, Mom

It is true (and unfortunate) that most of the forwards we receive are sent by the hands of someone we love and trust, someone we thought would know better than to throw some worn out, misspelled, animated-gif-laden bullshit our way. Surely these people – especially those who GAVE US LIFE – wouldn’t litter our inboxes with such crap. Right?

DISAPPOINTMENT: YOU HAS IT.

Six Months

We started out here:

And now we’re here:

How can you be around someone every day and still have no idea when such a transformation occurred?

How did I ever live in a world without this face?

How am I ever going to make you understand how completely, overwhelmingly, ridiculously much I love you?

How will you ever forgive me for putting you in these pants and then taking a picture while you screamed because I thought you looked like a little old man from Boca Raton?

I hope you’ll overlook that, because I’m just crazy about you, little girl. Thank you for these past six months.

(And you’re welcome for all those cupcakes in utero. You’ll get to try a real one soon, I promise.)

Over The Top

So, it seems one of my lovely (and also related to me) readers bestowed me with a blog award.

And no, I have no idea why she is wearing an apron. All I know is “Over The Top” makes me think of some sort of really restrictive heavy-petting guideline.

PAY IT FORWARD: Don’t Make Me Have To Hit A Bitch

Today’s installment is violent, Internet. You may want to have the children leave the room. Although if your kids are normally in the room when you read this blog, you probably don’t have much to worry about.

I was doing an image search for misbehaving children when I found this, and proceeded to laugh for six solid minutes. Miniature John Madden ANGRY! GRRRR! Give me more Sprite!