Shanksgiblins I Have Known

A couple of years ago via email, my friend Bird and I started discussing our Thanksgiving plans. For some reason, one of us referred to the holiday as “Thanksgibbin,” and then it became a game of fucking with the word until barely recognizable (“Fankshiblin,” “Thanesmibin”), and thus, my favorite bastardization – “Shanksgiblin” – was born.

Bird is also the friend with whom I shared a very fateful trip to Chicago for grad school auditions. Through a series of very un-fun events, we ran out of money and had to stay at the posh Hotel Cass, where the front desk staff sat safely behind BULLETPROOF GLASS. I was entirely confident we’d never live to see another Ganksfibbin.

Oh, Right: THANKSGIVING

As 4th Reader observed in the comments of the last post, putting up my lovely holiday header was the bloggy equivalent of putting up my Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving – you know, THANKSGIVING: that holiday with all the TURKEYS – so I submit for your approval my Thanksgiving header, brilliantly designed by Brad. Personally, I find it hilarious that the turkey has escaped the header out of self-preservation, because apparently I like to laugh when animals are afraid of being killed and eaten.

Mmmm. PETA is right: I can taste the fear, and it tastes delicious.

Googlemania! Happy Holidays Edition

Why, HELLO THERE, holiday-themed blog header! You look like you were created by a wonderful husband who may be a little bit deaf after listening to his wife continually squeal over the BLINKING LIGHTS he designed. I mean, look at that shit! They’re blinking! Isn’t that cool?

Uh…nevermind.

Pinches

That’s what they call shots at our pediatrician’s office, and that’s what Sadie is getting one of today. And I won’t be there to comfort her, because I have no more sick time. Let me just repeat that: I HAVE NO MORE SICK TIME, meaning that last Friday when my lower intestine was attempting to escape from my body, I HAD TO TAKE A VACATION DAY.

I don’t have the strength to peel myself up off the bathroom floor, YAAAAY! Who wants tacos?!

PAY IT FORWARD: Pennies From Heaven

O HAI. Sorry if I made you worry that I had been eaten alive by the germs that caused BANANA SPLITS to CARTWHEEL from my CASHMERE SWEATER, but I’ve been spending a lot of time recuperating and being pissed off about the Steelers, although I enjoyed the shit out of nachos and beer at the game – the most food I’d eaten in one sitting in three days! – although in hindsight that was…not so smart.

Oh, hindsight my ass. I knew it was dumb BEFORE and DURING, but GODDAMMIT I LOVE NACHOS.

Euphemism Friday

Hello, Internet. Sorry for all the radio silence this week, but things were busy (but healthy!) over here at JT headquarters, what with the latest plague leaving our household. Or so I thought.

Did Garbage Pail Kids seriously disturb anyone but me? I don’t even like looking at them now. Hello, I am 32 years old.

Plagued

Internet, I never should have said it. I never should have opened my big, fat mouth on the way home on Friday and said what I’d been thinking all day long: “Wow – this will mark two weeks that none of us have been sick!”

“Don’t say that!” said Brad, with genuine anxiety.

“Oh, please,” I said. “That’s not how these things work.”

Oh, ON THE CONTRARY, says the universe.

PAY IT FORWARD: God Is Angry

Happy Friday, Internet! I hope it is going well. And I hope you’re prepared to have your day ruined by these inane fucking forwards, because it’s about to get incredibly annoying up in here.

Bless you if you remember Annoying Man. And then come with me to a denture fitting, because that means we are both FUCKING OLD, yo.

Positivity

My apologies in advance, Internet. It’s about to get all Debbie Downer up in here.

“Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy.”

Houston, We Have a Baby

One giant leap for womankind.