My apologies in advance, Internet. It’s about to get all Debbie Downer up in here.
I don’t normally like to post about depressing shit on my blog, but I need an outlet today, and Facebook* doesn’t really seem like the right place to post something like “THE UNIVERSE NEEDS TO SHUT ITS ASS FACE” without creating a stir amongst friends and family**, so a blog post it is.
I also hate complaining, like, AT ALL, because I know my life is an incredibly charmed one, and I’m so thankful for everything I have. But sometimes, shit gets a Turkey down. I’ve been in a bit of a funk, and I honestly don’t even know why. I think it’s just a compilation of a few things, namely:
- The human race is a bunch of assholes. I’ve been totally disillusioned with people lately, thanks to stories in the news like the teenager who was FUCKING SET ON FIRE and the other teenager who was gang-raped – OMFG, Internet. What the fuck is wrong with people? I am this close to never letting Sadie out of the house again.
- IM IN UR CUBICLE, STEELIN UR SOUL. I have a job. It is convenient, comfortable, relatively stable, and it pays the bills. I know I am incredibly lucky to have this job. However, I do not enjoy this job. It has nothing to do with my degree, but this is the area in which I have the most experience (and can make the most money doing), and therefore I’ll probably be working this type of job until I retire (if such a thing exists by then). And sometimes this makes me feel like a total sell-out at best, and a complete failure at worst.
- You’re so vain, you probably think this funk is about you. Whenever I get all BLAH like this, I inevitably start picking at my physical appearance, which means I’m a broken record of I HATE MY CLOTHES, I HATE MY HAIR, THAT PICTURE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A TRANNY and SINCE WHEN DO I HAVE CROW’S FEET?! This is always especially enjoyable for everyone around me (sorry, Brad).
- It’s a family affair. Family bullshit. Which does not make me feel any better about myself, since most of the bullshit is centered around the theory that I am a generally terrible person. WEEE!
These things have actually been weighing me down for several days now (I actually wrote most of the above last week), and over the past day or so I’ve been trying to come up with the cure for my funk.
After a lot of wallowing thinking, I came to the sickeningly simple and Dr. Phil-ish conclusion that is inevitably always the answer to these kinds of things: If I want to feel better about these things, I’m going to have to start with myself.
UGH. GOD. I KNOW, I KNOW! I fucking hate how lame it all sounds.
As much as I would like to believe that I can just sit here in my terrible mood until someone shows up to solve the world’s problems and hand me a big stack of money (and a few cupcakes for good measure), I know that I’m going to have to turn things around for myself, even if it’s in painfully small (and seemingly insignificant) ways.
So let us revisit my list:
- The human race IS a bunch of assholes, but there’s no reason I have to be one of them. Internet, I have always hated watching/reading the news. It depresses the living daylights out of me. I watch/read it anyway, because I want to know about what fucking goes on in the world, but then I take every sad story to heart and want to pitch myself over a goddamn cliff. I try to place news-reading embargoes on myself, but then I feel all socially irresponsible for doing what basically equates to sticking my fingers in my ears and chanting “LALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” So I’m going to try to strike a happy medium by, oh I don’t know, maybe NOT clicking on every breaking news link about a terrible accident on a local highway so that I can read all the gory details and then FREAK THE FUCK OUT, but still reading stories about major world events and politics and such. And I’ve also decided that the best way for me to combat the feeling that the entire world is full of no-good cocksuckers is to make a conscious effort not to be one of them. Yeah, I know – totally obvious – and it’s not like I regularly go around stomping puppies or something, but I want to be a little more active in my non-cocksuckery.
Anyhoo, my plan for all of this relates back to a conversation Brad & I had a little while ago about religion (I think and talk a hell of a lot about religion these days, seeing as how it is the main source of tension between me & my family). Brad brought up the point that religion is how some people feel they can show their gratitude for all the good shit in their life, and that makes sense to me. I want to show the universe I’m thankful for all the things that are so very awesome and right in my life, and I feel like the best way to do that is to basically DO GOOD SHIT. This means more volunteering (which is tough with the baby and so forth, but I looked into some viable and flexible options this morning), more donating, and more (UGH, BEAR WITH ME) random acts of kindness in general (NOTE: this will never include buying a homeless man a Value Meal). I am confident that putting good things out into the universe will make me feel better about all the nasty shit that happens in this world.
Oh, also – I ran across an amazing quote the other day (oh, how I love quotes) that perfectly sums up my views on religion. I mean, to a fucking T. Behold:
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” -Marcus Aurelius
- O HAI! I HAS OPSHUNS. So. About the job. For the most part, I have made my peace with the whole employment thing, but every now and then the self-doubt rears its ugly head, and I have to talk myself down with all the rationalizations that got me here in the first place. But! Also! The good thing about having a stable and not-so-challenging job is that it leaves plenty of time and headspace for other pursuits, and I need to concentrate a little more on that. So, you know. That’s what I’m gonna do.
- STFU. Oh, the old hating on my personal appearance bullshit. I came to the earth-shattering realization the other day that 1) no one anywhere EVER wants to hear someone bitch and moan about their body/face/wardrobe, and 2) every single time I’ve heard someone bitch about their body/face/wardrobe, I thought they were 100% out of their mind, because I was totally not seeing whatever imperfections were driving them absolutely insane with self-loathing. So, enough with it. It’s a fucking waste of time, and annoying to everyone within earshot. Also? I would rather give Glenn Beck a handy-jay than have Sadie hear that kind of self-hate from me, or, worse, have her mimic it. Using Sadie as my motivation sure makes this one easier, although I still demand to know when the fuck my ass decided to shuffle off to Buffalo.
- The whole fam damily. If my own personal history has taught me anything, it’s that this family junk will not ever really change, nor will it ever fully go away. So, if I may get all armchair psychologist on you once more, although I can’t control them, I can control how I react to them. This is so, so difficult, because my knee-jerk reaction to family discord is to walk around with a permanent upset stomach, but DAMMIT! I have a life to live and a baby to raise and pumpkin roll to devour, and I refuse to keep letting the same old shit ruin my day and dominate my every thought and conversation. Which means I’m going to take all reasonable steps to make amends, but I refuse to let it cast such a dark fucking shadow over everything.
OK, so there it is. I’m sure I will come back and read this post tomorrow and be all “OH FUCK YOU, MARY SUNSHINE,” but whatever. I’m trying.
(But, you know, in a positive way.)
*Do those of you who are on Facebook ever get SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of the people whose updates are always shit like “Ate oatmeal for breakfast. Life is good!” or “Can’t wait to spend another glorious day on Earth!” without even a HINT of sarcasm? Because those kind of updates make me wish there was an FUCK THIS option to click, so I could shit a tiny bit on their sunshine. Although I suppose this would not fall under “random act of kindness.”
**I am seriously considering deleting my Facebook account because I get all hand-wringy posting anything that isn’t a photo of the baby or some neutral shit, because of all the family members on there who either do not share or violently oppose my sense of humor/point of view. I am not a fan of such a broad audience, is what I am saying, and the last fucking thing I need to do is provoke lame fucking comment wars with family. Although I will openly admit it is kind of fun passive-aggressively ruffling their feathers when I post political content.