Easing Back In

Stay-cation is over, Internet.

Grrrr.

It was great, and I feel rested and refreshed and like we made the most of our days together. Still, it stings to be back to reality. Especially when reality involves another summer-cold-ish scratchy throat and an awesome little girl who whimpered and clung to us at the daycare drop-off this morning.

I miss you so much, Crazy Spaghetti Face.

(Also: Please note hairclip. That is a real, honest-to-goodness LITTLE GIRL up there.)

(Related: WHERE IS MY LITTLE BALD BABY WAAAAAHH.)

Looking forward, I’ve got some fun stuff ahead this month, including a gathering for artistically-inclined, card-holding vagina owners (theatre ladies, for short) that I’ve been asked to attend. It’s a sort of brainstorming session for a local theatre company, during which they hope to pick some ladybrains about…hell, I don’t know. Periods and whatever? I hope to bring some enlightened introspection to the group.

I was told there would be judging and name-calling…?

All my poorly-expressed sarcasm aside, I am really excited for the opportunity to be a part of this, since I’ll be in the company of some of the coolest local ladies I know. We’ve all been sent a list of questions that will be a springboard for the discussion, and because I am kind of cranky and unoriginal today, I thought I’d post them here as a sort of meme for you all to snag if you feel so inclined. I’d love to hear your answers. I’m weirdly nosy like that.

Let’s go:

Please finish this sentence: “My friends would be surprised to know that I…”

Here is where I will probably bring the whole room down by sharing that I hate, hate, hatehatehate working for female bosses. I have worked for my fair share of ladies in the past  (eleven of them, to be exact*), and with the exception of one supremely awesome Australian chick, they were all nit-picky, undermining micromanagers who never hesitated to scream at me in front of others and/or pass the blame to me whenever there was blame to be passed…and then would always conveniently forget they had ripped me a new asshole whenever they needed something else done (at the last minute, of course) (and, oh, you’ll have to stay late).

I feel free to pass judgment on LadyBosses mostly because I have worked for just as many (if not more) DudeBosses, and WOW, what a difference. Male bosses — by and large — do not micromanage. They mind their business. They always give Christmas gifts. They ask me how the baby is doing.

This is what I get from my male bosses:

“Here’s your work; I trust that you’ll do it. If you don’t do it, I’ll ask you why. If I have a problem with you, I’ll confront you, we’ll deal with it, case closed. If something goes wrong, I’ll assume it wasn’t your fault, because I know from past experience that you are a good worker. If it was your fault, no big. Just make it right, and we’re cool. Are you taking your vacation days? You should. Go do something fun. Don’t worry about work.”

Whereas from the ladies, I get:

“Here’s your work — have you started it yet? Now? Now? How about now? Can you email me progress reports of your work every two hours? Can you copy me on all your emails? Why didn’t you let me know about that meeting? You emailed me about it? Well, I DIDN’T SEE THE EMAIL, AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SENSED THAT AND FOLLOWED UP WITH A PHONE CALL AND A TEXT MESSAGE TO MY CELL.  There was a typo in that email. OMG THERE WAS A TYPO IN THAT EMAIL! END OF DAYS! APOCALYPSE! Why was there a typo? Well, if someone gave you the wrong information, you shouldn’t have assumed it was the right information. You need to catch these things. My computer isn’t working. CALL SOMEONE! And while we’re waiting on the IT department to get back to us, I’ll yell at you in front of the entire office because I NEED MY COMPUTER! Oh, wait — it was unplugged. Oops. But don’t expect an apology. I’m sure this was your fault somehow. And I really hope you’re not planning on taking any more than two days off in a row this summer. I really need you here.”

I’m not exaggerating very much. AT ALL. In fact, most of those things have actually been said to me. Even the computer thing. And yes, the problem was that the fucking thing was unplugged — a detail I did not bother to check because certainly a regional president of a major international marketing firm would know to PLUG HER FUCKING COMPUTER IN, right? Right.

(Oh, and that was also the woman who wept — openly– when I got downsized and kicked to the curb. She told me I had been the best assistant she’d ever had. Mindfuck, anyone?)

I’ve had people tell me that the shit I get from LadyBosses comes from some weird competitive thing about me being younger or some such, and I don’t buy it. For one thing, some of the women who have given me the most shit work in other locations and have never seen me face-to-face.  I could be hovering on the cusp of menopause and snacking on chocolate Viactiv chews at my desk for all they know.  And it’s not like I’m angling for their jobs (DEAR GOD, NO). Basically, I think they’re defensive and insecure because they think they have to prove themselves five times over as a woman in a high-level position, and when it comes to dealing with me, they have absolutely zero politeness and patience to spare. This does not mean I excuse their particular brand of shit, but I do understand.

But then again, some of them were just raging bitchfaces. So there’s that.

Who were your role models growing up? Who are they now?

I hate questions like this, because I feel like I have to answer with “Michael Jordan” or “Jesus” or “my great-aunt Hazel who gave birth to twins in an assembly line while building fighter jets during World War II” or something like that, and…I just don’t really feel that way. About anyone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of people who inspire me in different ways — friends, relatives, teachers — but there’s not ONE person I can pinpoint as being someone I admired so much I’d like to wear them like a skin-suit a la Jamie Gumm. And I think we’re all better off that way.

Name 3 events that changed your life.

Easy! Performing for the first time (in 5th grade, and getting laughs and applause), meeting Brad, and birthing the best baby in the world.

What accomplishment are you proudest of thus far?

I would say “my family,” meaning Brad & Sadie, but I didn’t really accomplish that. They are awesome all on their own. But I am insanely proud that I have been a good mother to Sadie for these past 15 months. Up until she was born, I was a little afraid I’d be as maternal as a fucking tire iron. I am happy to report that this is not the case.

What are your words of wisdom for other women?

My words of wisdom for anyone are: “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato

My words of wisdom specifically for women? Never buy store-brand tampons.

Also, eat the fucking cookie and shut up about it. No one thinks you’re fat.

How easy/difficult is it to develop and maintain friendships with women as you get older?

I’d say it’s difficult, but that the Internet makes it infinitely easier — both when it comes to meeting new friends and maintaining relationships with old ones. As much as I fucking hate Facebook sometimes, it enables me to see my friend’s cute baby photos mere hours after the shorty joins the world. Awesome.

What do you think are the biggest misconceptions about women?

Damn, I just had a brilliant fucking idea, Internet. I’m going to open a maternity store and call it Miss Conception. GET IT? Fuck yes.

Anyhoo, I think one of the biggest misconceptions about women is that having babies makes us weaker and/or less valuable in terms of contributing professionally or otherwise. Just because a woman has a baby does not mean she will start sucking at her job. But it does mean that she likely has less patience for people who underestimate her. Mama only has room for one whiny baby in her life, yo.

What is your greatest strength?

I have an ass that won’t quit.

(Although it has taken the occasional long weekend since the baby was born.)

Also, I am a loving person, goddammit.

What is your greatest weakness?

My fears. And yellow cake with chocolate icing.

What is your greatest fear?

People I love getting hurt. Because then who will bring me yellow cake with chocolate icing?

What do you find most challenging about being an artist a blogger?

[OK, this survey was for “artists,” but hows about we change it to “blogger” so everyone can participate?]

Not being able to write about the juicy, real-life shit I want to write about sometimes.

What is most rewarding about being [a blogger]?

The sweet, sweet release of complaining to the untold anonymous masses. And when I can make you guys laugh.

What do you want to accomplish as a [blogger] in the next five years?

I want to compile all the PAY IT FORWARDs on another site.

Well, that’s about it. Sorry if I bored your ass off, but this Turkey was fresh outta ideas today. Back with more in a couple days, my pets.

*I know that sounds like an excessively large number, but I temped like a motherfucker in NYC and was a chronic job-hopper throughout most of my 20s. And most of that hopping was done to get THE FUCK away from one crazy bitch-ass boss or another.

“What do you MEAN you couldn’t get me an upgrade?!”