Plagued

Internet, I never should have said it. I never should have opened my big, fat mouth on the way home on Friday and said what I’d been thinking all day long: “Wow – this will mark two weeks that none of us have been sick!”

“Don’t say that!” said Brad, with genuine anxiety.

“Oh, please,” I said. “That’s not how these things work.”

Oh, ON THE CONTRARY, says the universe.

Houston, We Have a Baby

One giant leap for womankind.

Boo! No, Really: BOO

Well, Internet, it seems that Halloween is upon us. And, as usual, I have some things to say about it.

Let me start by telling you what A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA it is to buy your trick-or-treat candy six days in advance. I have gotten most of my nutrients this week from miniature Twix bars.

Show Me That Smile Again

So, I was PLANNING on posting another PAY IT FORWARD! today (and it’s a doozy, I assure you), and I was already rushed because of the insane clusterfuckery that is two neurotic parents preparing to leave their preciouswonderfulperfectangelbaby with relatives for the weekend, and then last night when I was bathing Sadie, she grabbed my finger and started chewing and that’s when I felt…something sharp.

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!

(Uh, by the way, have you seen this picture of Lil Jon in high school?

WHAT? OKAAAAAYYYYY!)

Yes, my GROWING-UP-WAY-TOO-FAST 6-month old is cutting her first tooth, which explains her recent ability to go from zero to OMG! FML! in less than 60 seconds. This is all happening just in time for our weekend away, meaning we are saddling her poor, unsuspecting aunt and uncle with a teething baby. I am currently feeling three things:

1. Relief at being able to have someone else deal with Guy Smiley for the weekend;
2. INSANE GUILT AND WORRY because me and my magical calming rack will not be around to soothe her;
3. Sympathy for my brother-in-law and his wife.

Good Lord, I hope not. It’s going to be really hard to find a sitter after that.

Enjoy your weekend, Internet.  See you on the other (much toothier) side.

Over The Top

So, it seems one of my lovely (and also related to me) readers bestowed me with a blog award.

And no, I have no idea why she is wearing an apron. All I know is “Over The Top” makes me think of some sort of really restrictive heavy-petting guideline.

PAY IT FORWARD: Don’t Make Me Have To Hit A Bitch

Today’s installment is violent, Internet. You may want to have the children leave the room. Although if your kids are normally in the room when you read this blog, you probably don’t have much to worry about.

I was doing an image search for misbehaving children when I found this, and proceeded to laugh for six solid minutes. Miniature John Madden ANGRY! GRRRR! Give me more Sprite!

Guest Post: Crappy Halloween Costume-A-Rama!

[So, a couple weeks ago I started bugging my long-suffering husband to guest post for me, as he is the only person on this planet who has made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to choke and/or vomit (or choke on my own vomit, like the rockstars do). He kindly obliged, then up and got viral meningitis and was all WAH! I've been vomiting for 24 hours because of searing head pain! And I was all WAH! I pushed a baby out my privates! And then there was a stalemate because he was too busy being hooked up to an IV to argue with me. And then he finished up this post for your enjoyment, as the painkillers at the hospital are really top-notch. Enjoy!]

Hi Internet, my name is Brad, but you likely know me as HoST (Husband of Said Turkey). JT graciously asked me to provide a guest post on her blog, and I am quite honored. When it comes to JT’s greatness, I think her writing is surpassed only by her sweet, sweet ass. [There, that should be enough to get me laid again this year, right?]

Anyhoo, Halloween is always one of those holidays I always pretend to give a shit about. All year I tell friends how cool my costume is going to be and I make notes about movies I see that have characters who would make for interesting costumes and I hang onto stupid sunglasses or hats that should have been thrown out years ago. And when Halloween actually arrives? I usually hand out one bag of candy in pajama pants and a t-shirt. True, one year someone thought my Khalid Sheikh Mohammed getup was fantastic.

Doesn’t count if it isn’t on purpose.

Well, This Has Been Fun

My apologies to anyone who has tried to contact me via email, Twitter, Flickr, tin can and string, Pony Express, etc. over the last few days. I have been totally out of commission, because Brad is currently IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL with some BITCH WHORE MYSTERY ILLNESS.

Is bitch. Also: whore.

After three (THREE!!) fucking visits to the ER and one negative H1N1 test, we are awaiting the results of about ten bajillion other tests. And here’s the unfair part: for fear of spreading some unknown funk, Brad hasn’t held Sadie since Wednesday.

So not right, because everyone knows BIG CHEEKS = THE BEST MEDICINE.

Anyway, Brad actually worked up a hilarious guest post for me last week before things got all fucking House M.D. in this bitch, and I will be posting it soon. Right now I’m about to go visit my husband in the hospital, where I have to wear a mask and a gown and stay three feet away. It should be really hot.

Thank goodness I wore my beige socks.

UPDATE! It’s viral meningitis. Not serious, not contagious, and mostly likely the result of a cold we caught from Sadie a couple weeks ago. I AM SO FUCKING RELIEVED.

Congratulations, honey! You hospitalized Daddy.

PAY IT FORWARD: Here, Let Me Help You With That Diet

Oh, Internet. You guys have really come through for me with these forwards. I am getting some GEMS from you guys, and although it hurts my soul a little bit to have my inbox so full of  subject lines that read like “FW: Fw: FW: FW: This onez for the GIRLZ!” I think we can all agree that it’s worth it. Also, Random Forwarding Family Member has really been stepping up her game lately, and I got THREE unsolicited forwards from her yesterday – one of which is so awesomely disgusting that I cannot WAIT to share it with you, but ALL IN GOOD TIME, my Internet pretties. We have a lot of material to work with in the meantime, including today’s submission from Shelli that I GUARANTEE will make you think about food in ways you never really wanted to know were possible.

This picture, however, makes me like food more. Even though I thought it was Paul Prudhomme instead of Dom DeLuise BUT WHATEVER.

Getaway

Internet, I need a vacation. Not even a real vacation – just a getaway. Just a couple days during which I do not have to wash and rinse a single Dr. Brown’s bottle or be responsible for preparing my own food, making my own bed, or wiping my own ass.

OK, I am willing to compromise on the ass-wiping part as it is just a getaway and not a full-on vacation.