PAY IT FORWARD: Pennies From Heaven

O HAI. Sorry if I made you worry that I had been eaten alive by the germs that caused BANANA SPLITS to CARTWHEEL from my CASHMERE SWEATER, but I’ve been spending a lot of time recuperating and being pissed off about the Steelers, although I enjoyed the shit out of nachos and beer at the game – the most food I’d eaten in one sitting in three days! – although in hindsight that was…not so smart.

Oh, hindsight my ass. I knew it was dumb BEFORE and DURING, but GODDAMMIT I LOVE NACHOS.

PAY IT FORWARD: God Is Angry

Happy Friday, Internet! I hope it is going well. And I hope you’re prepared to have your day ruined by these inane fucking forwards, because it’s about to get incredibly annoying up in here.

Bless you if you remember Annoying Man. And then come with me to a denture fitting, because that means we are both FUCKING OLD, yo.

PAY IT FORWARD: Breakfast At McDonald’s

WARNING: This post is not in any way delicious, so before your mouth starts watering for hash browns and sausage biscuits and other foodstuffs that qualify as pre-exisiting conditions, let me stop you right there. Nope, no hotcakes or breakfast burritos here. In fact, the only thing this forward really has to do with McDonald’s is that it made me grimace.

I’m hatin’ it.

PAY IT FORWARD: Oh, Mom

It is true (and unfortunate) that most of the forwards we receive are sent by the hands of someone we love and trust, someone we thought would know better than to throw some worn out, misspelled, animated-gif-laden bullshit our way. Surely these people – especially those who GAVE US LIFE – wouldn’t litter our inboxes with such crap. Right?

DISAPPOINTMENT: YOU HAS IT.

PAY IT FORWARD: Sisterhood of the Butterfly

Welcome to the very first edition of “PAY IT FORWARD,” where we feature, deconstruct, and piss all over the stupid shit people forward to our inboxes. This week’s email features everyones favorite insect, the beautiful butterfly. Speaking of butterflies, remember that song “Butterfly Kisses?” Yeah, I might just hate that more than “The Christmas Shoes.”

If you like that song, please consider that it is sung by this man. Fucker looks like a serial killer. Probably has a jar of eyelashes rolling around in the trunk of his car. Think about THAT the next time you’re subjected to this song at a wedding reception.