PAY IT FORWARD: How to Get Through Life…in the Manner of a Lazy, Entitled Asswipe

Hello, Internet! It’s time to pay a bitch forward again. I bring you photos of babies, trite, poorly worded advice, and inappropriately aggressive sentiments about friendship.

Forwards: electronic versions of your most annoying relatives!

PAY IT FORWARD: Please God, Make Me A Bird…

Greetings, Internet! Welcome to another edition of PAY IT FORWARD! Not sure if you’ve noticed, but in some (most) of the old PAY IT FORWARD entries, the graphics have disappeared. This is because I bootlegged the screenshots into jpgs instead of actually converting them into jpgs, and while this used to work, it apparently, uh, doesn’t work anymore.

My computer-savvy husband figured this out for me, and when I confessed my file bootlegging, he had to lay his head down on the desk for a little while.

PAY IT FORWARD: Gross

Brad and I watched District 9 Tuesday night. Brad had already seen it, and predicted that I would find the little alien child cute.

Which I totally did, even though he looked like this. Who’s mama’s little tentacle-face? Who? WHO?

PAY IT FORWARD: Men Are Stupid, Women Are Shallow, And Terrorists Are Going To Kill Us All

Greetings, Internet! Welcome to PAY IT FORWARD! Apologies in advance for all the virtual vitriol I am about to spew your way, but the forwards in today’s installment are so ignorant, they make Gomer Pyle look like Carl fucking Sagan.*

“Well, sur-prise sur-prise! Fanatical ethnic or religious or national chauvinisms are a little difficult to maintain when we see our planet as a fragile blue crescent fading to become an inconspicuous point of light against the bastion and citadel of the stars. GAWRSH!”

PAY IT FORWARD: My Own Personal Hell(mo)

First things first: Last night I got my ass on stage for the first time in, oh, roughly 13 months at the Pittsburgh version of this, and while I was shitting my pants all day from nerves, it went just fine (translation: no actual shitting of pants on stage*) and I had a fantastic time. I also got to see m’lady Baby Expert Kylan (like, seriously, she is a super-smart child development type who reassures me that Sadie is hitting all her major milestones and is a damn genius), who then introduced me to her friend Johanna (DEAR GOD I hope I’m spelling that right – I just had to guess and pray that there isn’t a silent ‘k’ in there or something) who also happens to be a reader of this here blog. So, HI, Kylan and possibly-misspelled-Johanna! You all are proof that JT readers are some hot pieces of ass with high tolerances for profanity. Nice work, my friends.

Kylan is also the person who gifted Sadie with the infamous Baby Einstein Musical Duck, who has been Sadie’s homey since day one. Here we see Sadie wondering why The One With The Boobs can’t also have a pleasing array of colorful musical buttons on her extremities.

PAY IT FORWARD: “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

Bless you if you recognize the quote in the title, because I love that movie, Internet, and I’m not ashamed to let the world know.

I am also about 99% sure that one of Sadie’s toys plays some of the soundtrack music, although that may be wishful thinking on my part.

PAY IT FORWARD: You Make A Difference!

Happy Friday, Internet! It’s time yet again for another installment of PAY IT FORWARD! Today’s forward makes the classic mistake of pairing what would be a genuinely positive and meaningful message with pictures so fucking lame and cheesy even Thomas Kinkade would roll his eyes.

OK, have you guys ever heard the PRICELESS accounts of Thomas Kinkade’s not-very-bucolic-and-glowy behavior? Allow me:

“The Times further reported that he openly groped a woman’s breasts at a South Bend, Indiana sales event, and mentioned his proclivity for ritual territory marking through urination, once relieving himself on a Winnie the Pooh figure at a Disney site while saying ‘This one’s for you, Walt.’

“…Kinkade became drunk at a Siegfried and Roy magic show in Las Vegas and began shouting “Codpiece! Codpiece!” at the performers. Eventually he was calmed by his mother.”

Aaaaand, you’re welcome.

PAY IT FORWARD: Brown People & Liberals Are Ruining My Christmas!

Today’s installment of PAY IT FORWARD is a double-header, my friends, and not for the weak at heart. Actually, it kind of IS for the weak at heart, since I’m pretty confident that both of these forwards were penned by a cranky, old, weak-hearted, glass-hipped bastard who spends the bulk of his day wishing there were more things in the world to hate.

In other words: Andy Rooney.

PAY IT FORWARD: Pennies From Heaven

O HAI. Sorry if I made you worry that I had been eaten alive by the germs that caused BANANA SPLITS to CARTWHEEL from my CASHMERE SWEATER, but I’ve been spending a lot of time recuperating and being pissed off about the Steelers, although I enjoyed the shit out of nachos and beer at the game – the most food I’d eaten in one sitting in three days! – although in hindsight that was…not so smart.

Oh, hindsight my ass. I knew it was dumb BEFORE and DURING, but GODDAMMIT I LOVE NACHOS.

PAY IT FORWARD: God Is Angry

Happy Friday, Internet! I hope it is going well. And I hope you’re prepared to have your day ruined by these inane fucking forwards, because it’s about to get incredibly annoying up in here.

Bless you if you remember Annoying Man. And then come with me to a denture fitting, because that means we are both FUCKING OLD, yo.