Cheers & Jeers: I Am Actually Relieved It’s Monday Edition

You know how sometimes you’ll dread something for weeks and weeks, constantly visualizing the worst-case scenarios that will SURELY come about, and bemoaning each day that brings you closer to The Suck…and then it ends up being not nearly as bad as you’d feared? Yeah. That was not this weekend.

PAY IT FORWARD: Oh, Mom

It is true (and unfortunate) that most of the forwards we receive are sent by the hands of someone we love and trust, someone we thought would know better than to throw some worn out, misspelled, animated-gif-laden bullshit our way. Surely these people – especially those who GAVE US LIFE – wouldn’t litter our inboxes with such crap. Right?

DISAPPOINTMENT: YOU HAS IT.

Six Months

We started out here:

And now we’re here:

How can you be around someone every day and still have no idea when such a transformation occurred?

How did I ever live in a world without this face?

How am I ever going to make you understand how completely, overwhelmingly, ridiculously much I love you?

How will you ever forgive me for putting you in these pants and then taking a picture while you screamed because I thought you looked like a little old man from Boca Raton?

I hope you’ll overlook that, because I’m just crazy about you, little girl. Thank you for these past six months.

(And you’re welcome for all those cupcakes in utero. You’ll get to try a real one soon, I promise.)

Over The Top

So, it seems one of my lovely (and also related to me) readers bestowed me with a blog award.

And no, I have no idea why she is wearing an apron. All I know is “Over The Top” makes me think of some sort of really restrictive heavy-petting guideline.

PAY IT FORWARD: Don’t Make Me Have To Hit A Bitch

Today’s installment is violent, Internet. You may want to have the children leave the room. Although if your kids are normally in the room when you read this blog, you probably don’t have much to worry about.

I was doing an image search for misbehaving children when I found this, and proceeded to laugh for six solid minutes. Miniature John Madden ANGRY! GRRRR! Give me more Sprite!

Guest Post: Crappy Halloween Costume-A-Rama!

[So, a couple weeks ago I started bugging my long-suffering husband to guest post for me, as he is the only person on this planet who has made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to choke and/or vomit (or choke on my own vomit, like the rockstars do). He kindly obliged, then up and got viral meningitis and was all WAH! I've been vomiting for 24 hours because of searing head pain! And I was all WAH! I pushed a baby out my privates! And then there was a stalemate because he was too busy being hooked up to an IV to argue with me. And then he finished up this post for your enjoyment, as the painkillers at the hospital are really top-notch. Enjoy!]

Hi Internet, my name is Brad, but you likely know me as HoST (Husband of Said Turkey). JT graciously asked me to provide a guest post on her blog, and I am quite honored. When it comes to JT’s greatness, I think her writing is surpassed only by her sweet, sweet ass. [There, that should be enough to get me laid again this year, right?]

Anyhoo, Halloween is always one of those holidays I always pretend to give a shit about. All year I tell friends how cool my costume is going to be and I make notes about movies I see that have characters who would make for interesting costumes and I hang onto stupid sunglasses or hats that should have been thrown out years ago. And when Halloween actually arrives? I usually hand out one bag of candy in pajama pants and a t-shirt. True, one year someone thought my Khalid Sheikh Mohammed getup was fantastic.

Doesn’t count if it isn’t on purpose.

Well, This Has Been Fun

My apologies to anyone who has tried to contact me via email, Twitter, Flickr, tin can and string, Pony Express, etc. over the last few days. I have been totally out of commission, because Brad is currently IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL with some BITCH WHORE MYSTERY ILLNESS.

Is bitch. Also: whore.

After three (THREE!!) fucking visits to the ER and one negative H1N1 test, we are awaiting the results of about ten bajillion other tests. And here’s the unfair part: for fear of spreading some unknown funk, Brad hasn’t held Sadie since Wednesday.

So not right, because everyone knows BIG CHEEKS = THE BEST MEDICINE.

Anyway, Brad actually worked up a hilarious guest post for me last week before things got all fucking House M.D. in this bitch, and I will be posting it soon. Right now I’m about to go visit my husband in the hospital, where I have to wear a mask and a gown and stay three feet away. It should be really hot.

Thank goodness I wore my beige socks.

UPDATE! It’s viral meningitis. Not serious, not contagious, and mostly likely the result of a cold we caught from Sadie a couple weeks ago. I AM SO FUCKING RELIEVED.

Congratulations, honey! You hospitalized Daddy.

PAY IT FORWARD: Here, Let Me Help You With That Diet

Oh, Internet. You guys have really come through for me with these forwards. I am getting some GEMS from you guys, and although it hurts my soul a little bit to have my inbox so full of  subject lines that read like “FW: Fw: FW: FW: This onez for the GIRLZ!” I think we can all agree that it’s worth it. Also, Random Forwarding Family Member has really been stepping up her game lately, and I got THREE unsolicited forwards from her yesterday – one of which is so awesomely disgusting that I cannot WAIT to share it with you, but ALL IN GOOD TIME, my Internet pretties. We have a lot of material to work with in the meantime, including today’s submission from Shelli that I GUARANTEE will make you think about food in ways you never really wanted to know were possible.

This picture, however, makes me like food more. Even though I thought it was Paul Prudhomme instead of Dom DeLuise BUT WHATEVER.

Getaway

Internet, I need a vacation. Not even a real vacation – just a getaway. Just a couple days during which I do not have to wash and rinse a single Dr. Brown’s bottle or be responsible for preparing my own food, making my own bed, or wiping my own ass.

OK, I am willing to compromise on the ass-wiping part as it is just a getaway and not a full-on vacation.

Things Happened!

Internet! The past several days have been unexpectedly busy, and I have real posts coming soon, I promise, but for now I will give you a quick update on all the happenings here at JT headquarters:

• I guest posted on Mermanda’s blog and made her family needlessly worry about her!
• Sadie had roseola, then got better, then got a wicked nasty runny nose!
• Brad finally got rid of Daycare-Contracted-Cold #1, after suffering through it for TWO WEEKS!
• I had an impromptu 4-day weekend thanks to my office closing down due to the G20!
• We took a quick trip to West Virginia over the weekend and I really do not want to think about how I spent 7 hours of my time in the car!
• The Steelers lost (again) and it blew ass!
• It’s Fucking Monday again!

In other news: Sadie is still adorable.