I Also Have The Ability to Eat My Weight in Fritos, But That Doesn’t Mean God Wants Me To

August 4, 2007 at 7:54 pm 5 comments

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Well, they’ve done it again.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar added a seventeenth child to their collection on Thursday. Seriously, shouldn’t someone get them a curio cabinet or something?

My initial reaction to this news (well, after cringing and crossing my legs), was to share it with Husband of Said Turkey, since he’d been down this road before. Because we’re mature adults, we had a good laugh, and normally that would be that. But there’s something about these people that really, really rubs me the wrong way (other than the fact that the world now contains 17 people who carry the DNA of a man named “Jim Bob”): It’s their whole cavalier attitude towards Mrs. Duggar popping kids out like she’s a fucking human Pez dispenser. It’s the pretense that SEVENTEEN kids could possibly be getting the parental interaction they need from the TWO adults in the household. Most of all, it’s the fury I feel when people try to classify extreme behavior as being “God’s will.”

Short version: I think it’s wrong and heinously selfish – not to mention incredibly immature and irresponsible – to make your body do something simply because it can, and then have the balls to call your little science experiment “God’s will.”

Following the Duggar’s reasoning, a 12-year-old girl who gets her first period should get married and start having babies immediately. I mean, why not? Clearly, it’s God’s will for her to people the Earth – otherwise why would He have allowed her to menstruate?

If you’re arrogant enough to believe that you have the ability to determine what is and what isn’t “God’s will,” then buckle up, because you have a whole lot of shit to answer for. If you claim to know His will, then please explain to me why He allows little kids get cancer, and why He ravages elderly people’s minds with Alzheimer’s, and why He allows all of those innocent people to die slow, agonizing deaths from starvation in places like Darfur. Go ahead. If you’re God’s BFF, then by all means, please share your intimate knowledge of His will with us. I’m certain he must have shared something with you while you guys were doing your nails and giggling about boys.

But let’s take religion entirely out of the Duggar equation, and get down to the logistics of two people raising SEVENTEEN children. Now, I’m terrible at math, but something tells me that ratio is just this side of fucked up. I don’t care what you say, there is NO WAY that Jim Bob and Michelle could possibly be able to give their kids the individual attention that they need and deserve. I am positive that they absolutely love their kids, but it’s just beyond the physical ability of any two parents to always be there for each and every one of them. How often do you think Mrs. Duggar is able to have a special “girls afternoon out” with 13-year-old Jinger? Just some special mom-and-daughter time to talk about all the things a 13-year-old needs to talk about (and possibly the perfect occasion for Michelle to explain why she couldn’t come up with a better J-name than “Jinger”)? How often do you think Jim Bob is able to comfort 4-year-old Justin when he skins his elbow? If you sat Michelle & Jim Bob down and asked them to name from memory the favorite color, first word, eye color, least-favorite food and favorite bedtime story of each and every one of their kids, how many do you think they could get right?

If you’re going to leave me a comment telling me you’re sure they’d get all of them right, don’t bother. I won’t believe you in a million years.

Now, who might be able to answer all those questions correctly are all the older kids in the family, who clearly are responsible for probably 75% of the child-rearing that happens in that house, not to mention a large portion of the housework, since Mama is usually too busy with the business of being knocked-up and performing God’s will through her vagina to do the vacuuming. What a great way to spend your carefree childhood years: applying ointment to your little brother’s diaper rash and cooking dinner for seventeen. Who needs Chuck E. Cheese when you have laundry to fold?! Who wants to watch cartoons when you could watch your little sister have a potty-training accident?! It’s like having all the responsibility of a grown-up, without all the perks! AWESOME!!!

Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s great for kids to have responsibilities – say, making their bed every morning, emptying the dishwasher, taking care of their pets – but it’s when the kids have to run the household because it’s simply impossible for the parents to do their fucking job as parents – yeah, that’s where I have a problem. For 4 years, my older sister watched me for 2 hours every day after school until my parents got home from work. She didn’t change my diapers, feed me, bathe me, comfort me when I cried, teach me the alphabet, help me with my homework or make me my favorite dinner on my birthday, because that, quite frankly, was my parents’ job. Plain and simple.

Bottom line: if you have so many kids that it’s damn near impossible to be an involved parent to any of them, it may be time to think about trying something I also hear is God’s will: abstinence.

Seriously, Michelle & Jim Bob: use some common sense. Pregnancy isn’t a hobby, parenthood isn’t a side-show act, most importantly, kids aren’t Beanie Babies. It’s not right to collect ’em all.

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Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

10 Things I Hate About Me Sit and Schwinn

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  August 4, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    Honey, when we have a baby, can we raise it in the mountains of Tibet, training it in Budo, the Art of Killing, so it can fight all 17 Duggar children to the death in a Thunderdome-style arena?

    I promise that’s the last Budo reference I make. Well, I take that back, as you shouldn’t make promises you can’t possibly keep.

    Reply
  • 2. jiveturkey  |  August 4, 2007 at 4:27 pm

    Yes, my darling. But we aren’t going to name the baby “Budo,” so don’t even ask.

    Reply
  • 3. Husband of Said Turkey  |  August 4, 2007 at 4:28 pm

    Eff.

    Reply
  • 4. Friend/Colleague/Alibi of Said Turkey  |  August 6, 2007 at 8:05 am

    All right! Now Husband of Said Turkey is free and clear to name the kid “Guitar Hero” instead.

    Maybe the Duggars are trying to apply for statehood or they’re trying to at least rezone their residential community and now they have the population to file the proper paperwork. They’re not doing it for God’s will, they’re doing it so they can get a couple of extra tax breaks.

    Etiher way, their logic now allows me to not have to wear any pants in work anymore. For it is in God’s will that I expose that which has been given to me, for I have been made in his image…so let’s everyone calm down and not worry about my no-pants thing…ok?!

    Reply
  • 5. Simon  |  June 21, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    I hate the Duggars and all they are and all they stand for. For reasons upon which I will not elaborate, we call them The Bloody Chunks in our household.

    When you refer to Ms. Duggar as a human Pez Dispenser, It causes me to dream blissfully of her decapitation. Not for real, although someone should decapitate her uterus.

    Reply

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