Hey! You! Get Off Of My Ass!

August 13, 2007 at 10:27 am 3 comments

There are two kinds of tailgating. One is fun:


One is not fun:


One results in this:


And the other results in this:


I’ll let you guess which one I prefer. HINT: it involves lampshades.

Now, I know bitching about tailgating drivers is pretty unoriginal (stay tuned for next week, when I do a Linda Richman impression and bitch about men who just won’t put the seat down already! Am I right, ladies? Am I right? Look at her; she knows what I’m talking about), but I just DO NOT understand the logic in this annoying-ass phenomenon. Every time I bitch about tailgaters, everyone within earshot agrees with me: “Oh my God, I know, that’s so annoying – not to mention dangerous! Don’t they realize that tailgating me only causes me to go slower just to piss them off? Are they really in that big of a hurry that they have to decrease the space between our cars to 2 inches just to arrive at their destination .0004 nanoseconds faster?! GOD!”

So what I don’t understand is this: if we’re all in agreement that tailgaters are obnoxious assholes, then where are all these tailgaters coming from? Do perfectly reasonable, compassionate people turn into over-entitled fuckwads ala Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde whenever they climb into their cars? Do tailgaters just not realize they’re doing it? Is tailgating – as I suspect – directly related to poor performance in the bedroom and a large ass? So many mysteries, so few answers.

If you’re reading this and you’re a tailgater, please, PLEASE tell me why you do it. It’s so much better to fully understand that which I hate.

*Ed. note: I am aware that the first picture in this entry is slathered with distracting copyright watermarks, but I could not resist using this photo, as you can practically hear the guy going “WOOOOO!”
**Ed. note the second: While conducting an image search for tailgating and rear-end collisions (ahem), this picture came up:


“Tailgating, the color pink, and Transitions lenses: discuss.”


Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

How To Tell If You’re An Asshole In One Easy Step In Other News, Somewhere a Puppy is Dying RIGHT NOW

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  August 13, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    I was once rear-ended while wearing a lampshade on my head.

  • 2. Josh  |  August 14, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Last night a tailgater was following us up our hill.. I did the brake thing and kate told me not to be an ass to our neighbors…. what about them being an ass to us by tailgating??? damn the neighbors. F the world!!

  • 3. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  August 22, 2007 at 10:44 am

    So, I feel like transitional lenses should have been right up there with graying hair and thinning nails. Anyone? Anyone?


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