As I’ve mentioned before in this blog, I am a big fan of technology. Namely, the kind of technology that allows me to do most of my job on a computer so that I don’t have to waste paper/directly interact with any of my fool-ass co-workers. Email, the internet, online forms – I love them all so much, I’d like to take ’em into the supply closet for a handy.
Settle down. I was kidding.
But as much as I love technology, I’m not one of those people who goes nuts over the latest computer or cell phone or iWhateverthefuck. In fact, if it wasn’t for HoST, I’d probably spend my evenings on the davenport watching VHS tapes on a wooden console television and talking on the party line with my rotary phone. Therefore, when it comes to the cellular telephone, I am typically…behind the times.
“Operator? Give me Sycamore 5-3472!”
Really, I don’t give a shit about what kind of cell phone I have. I pretty much see my cell phone as something that I call HoST with when I’m walking to my car in a particularly shady neighborhood, so that if I am suddenly mugged at gunpoint, he will hear “OHMYGODAAAAAAAAGGGGH!! *clunk*” and proceed to shit himself in panic.
The downside to not caring about my cell phone is that I always have a shitty phone. I didn’t have texting or cameraphone capabilities until THIS YEAR. That’s 2007, my friends. Fucking pathetic. However, when I got my shiny new phone this April, I was absolutely overjoyed at the fact that I could actually download a ring that would sound like a real song and not like something Q-bert composed on a Casio keyboard.
“Hey! Fuck you, too, you uppity bitch!”
When I got my new phone, I spent nearly an entire evening deciding on which ringtones to purchase. What kind of songs, I asked myself, could capture the essence of my worldview? And so, I downloaded:
“Yakety Sax,” a.k.a The Benny Hill theme song, and
The theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
And my amusement, it was great. I played my ringtones for HoST. I played my ringtones for the cat. I played my ringtones for any poor asshole who gave me the opportunity. Nevermind that they were probably pitying me for the excitement I showed over ringtones in THE YEAR 2007 – I was too busy doing The Carlton to notice.
But alas, it wasn’t long before I noticed The Problem: these ringtones – though clever and thoroughly amusing – were LOUD. Even when my phone was buried in my purse and on the lowest volume setting, the sound of my phone ringing would inform the my entire office that I looked at my kingdom (I was finally there!) to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air. And one evening when HoST called my phone while I was in the grocery store, some lady gave me such a dirty look I thought perhaps I had accidentally shit on the organic cabbage.
“Yo homes, smell ya’ later!”
Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. A couple months later, I did two things: changed my ringtone to the Benny Hill song, and attended a funeral. I think you can see where this is going. And if you are not familiar with “Yakety Sax,” please, picture yourself in a darkened funeral home, with people expressing their sympathies in hushed tones and the heavy scent of carnations filling the air, and go have a listen.
“I don’t know who’s stiffer, love – me or your Grandma!”
Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.