It’s Not You-terus, It’s Me-terus

January 4, 2008 at 12:56 pm 6 comments

Last Friday night, HoST & I saw the movie “Juno.” We both loved it, despite the fact that our cold, black, hardened hearts were forced to feel feelings, which may have resulted in both of us crying at the end and the people sitting behind us seeing me use HoST’s scarf as a makeshift Kleenex (I ran out of the ones I usually keep in my purse; my mother would be scandalized). Anyhoo, the movie was great. Go see it. Lots of funny stuff, lots of great acting, lots of heartstrings pulled. One of my favorite scenes was when the pregnant 16-year-old Juno goes to meet with the couple she’s chosen to adopt her baby. Highly uncomfortable awkwardness abounds, which (unless it is happening to me) is one of the most hilarious things on Earth. At one point, Jennifer Garner (who plays the desperately baby-hungry woman Juno has chosen to be the baby’s adoptive mother – a woman who would clearly saw off her arm with a cocktail sword to have a chance to give birth to her own baby) marvels at the miracle of pregnancy, what with the bodily changes and what have you, and Juno comes back with, “You’re lucky it’s not you.”



That’s right up there with complaining to a paraplegic that your dogs are really barking from that 5k you just completed.

See, in the movie, that line is funny because it’s awkward, and it’s awkward because it’s tactless, and it’s tactless because there are some things that YOU JUST DON’T SAY. Things including (but not limited to):

  • Aren’t you a little old to still be single?
  • Have you gained weight? [Doctors, however, can say this whenever they feel like it]
  • When are you two gonna have some kids?

I will give you one guess as to which one of those idiotic things someone said to me recently. Well, first I will tell you that I am not single, and I have not gained [any noticeable] weight, and THEN I will give you one guess as to which one of those idiotic things someone said to me recently.


And who took it upon themselves to ask me about the state of my uterus? Let’s do another multiple-choice, shall we?

  • My uterus [in which case the inquiry was totally justified]
  • My vagina [also totally justified, given proximity to uterus and role in childbirth]
  • Some dude we see once a year whose father knows my in-laws and who is in no way related to me or HoST
Hint: It was not us!

Seriously, you guys – not even my MOM has asked me about that shit, and on the list of Most Entitled to Inquire About the Existence of Plans to Procreate, she’s pretty near the top. HoST and I have only been asked that question one other time: by another complete stranger who chatted us up for a whole 15 minutes before finding it totally appropriate to ask whether or not we were fucking without birth control these days.

What is it with these otherwise well-mannered people feeling completely comfortable with shoehorning their fat asses into our reproductive bidness? Are they just blurting that shit out before their minds wander to the possibility that maybe we can’t have kids or aren’t yet ready for kids or don’t want to have kids? Do they not realize that I have no desire to share with them my personal take on pushing small people out of my genitals?

Because really, I have not yet been able to formulate an answer to that [totally intrusive] question that didn’t include a pained smile, lots of stuttering, and me becoming quiet with inner rage while poor HoST has to come up with something to satisfy Sherlock-fucking-Holmes over there.


“Her womb is suspiciously empty, my dear Watson.”

The first time we were asked that question, we weren’t anywhere near ready to have kids. In fact, at the time, I wasn’t sure I’d ever want kids, which made it extra challenging to try to answer that gem without sounding like a total asshole – especially considering that the guy who asked had an entire brood of kids swarming behind him. But since he had the balls to ask, he should have the balls to take my totally frank, honest answer, right? I mean, seeing how he’s so very comfortable talking about my ladybusiness and all.

This is how it went:

HIM: So, when are you two gonna have some kids?

ME: …

HoST: Uh, well…I don’t know…maybe sometime, but maybe not right now. Ha ha. Yeah. Kids are great.

This is how it should have gone:

HIM: So, when are you two gonna have some kids?

ME: Maybe never. I’m not really interested in kids right now, so all roads south of the border are strictly one-way, if you catch my drift. Plus, your kids are in that perpetual runny nose/shrieking banshee stage right now, and parenting has never looked less attractive.

Of course, now we are ready to have kids, but as of yet there is still no Fruit in my Roll-up, if you will. So when I was asked the dreaded question YET AGAIN the other evening, this is how it went:

HIM: So, when are you two gonna have some kids?

ME: …

HoST: Uh, well…I don’t know…probably soon. Ha ha. Yeah. Kids are great.

This is how it should have gone:

HIM: So, when are you two gonna have some kids?

ME: You know – darndest thing – we’ve been screwing like damn rabbits, but I’m emptier than a nun down there. We’ll keep you posted, though. K thx bye!

You think then he might have gotten the message? Nah, probably not. Most likely, he would have gone on to ask if my hair color was natural and then pointed out that zit on my chin.

So that’s how you take a blog entry from newly-released movies to the state of your reproductive organs in about three paragraphs flat. Granted, the line from the movie was more about Juno inadvertently putting her foot in it than it was about overstepping her boundaries and asking about shit that was none of her damn business, but still. Cut me some slack. I’m still a little dazed that Huckabee got 34% of the vote last night.




Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

“Why The Hell Do I Feel Guilty?” A Play in One Act Cheers & Jeers: Monday Edition

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  January 4, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    I just hope our baby looks like that picture of Huckabee.

    Random Thought: If Huckabee did the Huck-A-Buck, would the world come to an end?

    According to John Madden, the Huck-A-Buck is the official name for the Heisman Trophy pose, but the Urban Dictionary says it’s a sexual position during which “the girl is leaning on the back of her neck with the rest of her body straight up in the air, while the guy is standing over her dropping it in from the top.”

    Madden said he used to do the Huck-A-Buck all the time, and no matter what definition of the term you use, that is revolting.

  • 2. paperback writer  |  January 4, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    What gets me is the number of people who think it’s their damn right to ask about the state of potential kids. IT’S NOT THEIR DAMN RIGHT. When it’s time, it’s time. End of story.

    I would have belted that guy.

    Okay, I would have THOUGHT about it.

  • 3. serenity39  |  January 7, 2008 at 1:21 am

    That or just start trying mightily to procreate right freaking there and then. Not “oh we’ve been trying” but rather “we are going to try right now, could you move down to the end of the couch a bit, this Huck-a-buck idea takes up more room than you might think” (and if i have it pictured right in my mind, at least gravity would be working with you not against you…)

  • 4. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  January 7, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    Thanks for the pic of “I don’t heart” Huckabee with the subtitle “Douche”. It kind of made my whole day.

    By the by, how ARE your genitals these days? Mine are fresh as a daisy.

  • 5. Small Talk « Jive Turkey  |  January 16, 2008 at 11:10 am

    […] course, given the circumstances, I received more than my fair share of interrogation concerning the state of my womb. I had to cut my cross-examiners some slack, though, considering we were surrounded by towering […]

  • 6. shelli  |  February 7, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    yeah, asshats abound.

    I try to have a few stock answers I can pull out of my hat at a moment’s notice:

    -and how is your penis size? I head the implant was working well…

    -How are those warts coming along? Does it hurt when you have sex?

    Not that these are appropriate questions to ask, but you know, if the asshats are really ass-hatty…


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