I Hear God Also Frowns on Illegal Left Turns, Under-Tipping and Neglecting to Flush

March 11, 2008 at 10:02 am 5 comments

Have you heard? The Vatican released a whole new list of reasons why you will burn in hell, you filthy, filthy sinner.

hello-devil.jpg

I told you all that masturbating would catch up with you, you adorable little snookums.

Oh, Catholic church. Did you really feel the need to clarify that pedophilia and drugs are bad (mm-kay)? Also, since when can you just update the list when you feel like it? Shouldn’t you – I don’t know – at least pretend you received the update via burning bush or a swarm of locusts or something? And did you really just say it was time to “modernize” the list? I mean, I understand the comic effect of using the word “modernize” in a discussion about a religion that still refuses to accept the use of birth control in the year 2008, but…were you being serious?

And you know, I don’t think Hollywood will appreciate you fucking around with the deadly sins. They made a perfectly good movie about that already, mister.

But these kinds of random additions might just be the wave of the future. How’s about setting up a Wikipedia page, so we can all join the fun? You know – think of a sin, post it online – and voila! That’s one less person who can glide into heaven by saying they simply had NO IDEA that trading organs on the black market was against the rules.

happy-liver.jpg

Yes, yes, Mr. Liver – you’re absolved of guilt by association. As long as you’ve never used a condom, you’ll be just fine.

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Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

Hydrangeas ARE Pretty, And You’re Not Looking Too Bad Yourself Thanks a Million, CNN.com

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  March 11, 2008 at 10:08 am

    That liver looks delicious! Almost like a pierogi. Wait, is eating a liver a new sin? I can’t even keep up with the sins anymore!

    Reply
  • 2. confusedtwenty  |  March 11, 2008 at 11:20 am

    If Satan looks like Hello Kitty, I am SO THERE! How Cute!

    Reply
  • 3. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  March 11, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    It is interesting to note that NOW child molestation is a sin. I guess that unless you say it out loud in a press release, Vatican, people won’t automatically know it, like say…your priests? But really, Vatican, define “child”.

    Reply
  • 4. damon  |  March 12, 2008 at 9:21 pm

    You can’t make up new nursery rhymes, Christmas songs, or commandments.

    I just made that rule. I am all powerful.

    Reply
  • 5. Erin The Great  |  March 26, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    I love the new deadly sins; drugs, pollution and genetic manipulations as well as social and economic injustices… but don’t worry! Feeling up little alterboys is still cool.

    Reply

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