Unpainted Arizona

May 13, 2008 at 9:29 am 4 comments

I leave tomorrow for an impromptu mini-vacation in Arizona with my sister.

Give me back my Trapper Keeper, you bitch!

Of course, that means today I am suffering from my own special brand of pre-travel anxiety, which includes (but is not limited to) worrying about:

  1. Flying
  2. Getting all my work done before I leave
  3. The fact that I am in denial about it being humanly impossible to get all my work done before I leave
  4. Eating burritos; wearing bikini
  5. Forgetting to pack something incredibly essential and irreplaceable, e.g. my glasses, my prescriptions, my labia minora
  6. Being delayed so extensively that I am forced to set up a shanty in the Atlanta airport with my fellow passengers, eventually creating a Lord-of-the-Flies-like situation and I DO NOT WANT TO BE PIGGY
  7. Being a complete and total flake and leaving my wallet at the drugstore FOR THREE DAYS before even realizing it is missing, not that this exact same thing happened to me last week or anything
  8. Husband/cat/bosses deciding in my absence that I am not so great after all; replacing me before I return
  9. Ingesting a faulty Airborne tablet, which – instead of containing immunity-boosting herbs and vitamins – is an effervescent stew of Norovirus, SARS, Bird Flu, Legionnaire’s disease, and pink eye (for good measure).
  10. Being able to effectively protect my skin from the Arizona sun, which delights in crisping ultra-pale assholes such as myself, bestowing the deepest of wrinkles on all who dare venture into the out-of-doors in anything less than a burka

So I fare thee well, internet. I am off to enjoy poolside pina coladas and the rush of finding a scorpion in the hotel bathroom. I shall return next week with a bellyful of guacamole, a purseful of airplane peanuts, and plenty of stories to share.

Did ya’ miss me?


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

“What’s Burning?” Cheers & Jeers: Back From Vacation Edition

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kristin  |  May 13, 2008 at 10:00 am

    Now the most important thing you should know about Arizona is that it is my home state. Yes. Though I don’t think they’ve put that in the tourist information packets yet. My family is all still there, and my sister-in-law is on track to give birth in Phoenix this week, so if you want, you could totally be my emissary to visit the baby. You could hone your baby-holding skillz. You know, just in case you couldn’t think of anything better to do. Or you could just fry in the sun (AND YOU WILL FRY–OH YES). Have a fantastic time!

  • 2. jiveturkey  |  May 13, 2008 at 11:44 am

    Crazy!! We vacationed in AZ every summer growing up. My entire family wants to move there, except me, because I like to be difficult (and I think I’m just an east coast person).

    I’ll let you know if I happen to see anyone giving birth, as I will be sure to ask her if she’s your sister-in-law.

  • 3. Kristin  |  May 13, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    You vacationed in Arizona in the SUMMER? Please tell me you were in Flagstaff or somewhere else mountainous.

    And by the way, though it never would have occurred to me to liken the sound of fighting raccoons to demons with intestinal troubles, it was a rather accurate simile.

  • 4. Husband of Said Turkey  |  May 13, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    Poor Piggy. I was always him when we played LORD OF THE FLIES when I was younger.


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