I leave tomorrow for an impromptu mini-vacation in Arizona with my sister.
Give me back my Trapper Keeper, you bitch!
Of course, that means today I am suffering from my own special brand of pre-travel anxiety, which includes (but is not limited to) worrying about:
- Getting all my work done before I leave
- The fact that I am in denial about it being humanly impossible to get all my work done before I leave
- Eating burritos; wearing bikini
- Forgetting to pack something incredibly essential and irreplaceable, e.g. my glasses, my prescriptions, my labia minora
- Being delayed so extensively that I am forced to set up a shanty in the Atlanta airport with my fellow passengers, eventually creating a Lord-of-the-Flies-like situation and I DO NOT WANT TO BE PIGGY
- Being a complete and total flake and leaving my wallet at the drugstore FOR THREE DAYS before even realizing it is missing, not that this exact same thing happened to me last week or anything
- Husband/cat/bosses deciding in my absence that I am not so great after all; replacing me before I return
- Ingesting a faulty Airborne tablet, which – instead of containing immunity-boosting herbs and vitamins – is an effervescent stew of Norovirus, SARS, Bird Flu, Legionnaire’s disease, and pink eye (for good measure).
- Being able to effectively protect my skin from the Arizona sun, which delights in crisping ultra-pale assholes such as myself, bestowing the deepest of wrinkles on all who dare venture into the out-of-doors in anything less than a burka
So I fare thee well, internet. I am off to enjoy poolside pina coladas and the rush of finding a scorpion in the hotel bathroom. I shall return next week with a bellyful of guacamole, a purseful of airplane peanuts, and plenty of stories to share.
Did ya’ miss me?
Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.