Today in Catholicism: Girls Are Icky

May 30, 2008 at 10:25 am 4 comments

Do you remember being 12 years old? That strange and wonderful age where you’re slowly shedding your childish behaviors in preparation for your looming teenage years – casting aside your My Little Ponies and Hot Wheels, insisting on remodeling your “baby-ish” bedroom, hotly protesting against a birthday party at Pizza Hut…but still secretly terrified of getting your period and completely threatened by the opposite sex? Well, it seems the Vatican is quite the challenging tween these days.

Looks like SOMEONE is going to need “the talk” soon!

Yes, despite having been around for thousands of years, it seems the Catholic Church is having some difficulty navigating the confusing territory of letting the girls (ew, girls!) come and play – something most of us learn to deal with before 7th grade, but you know, whatever.

Not that I claim to understand most of what those Krazy Katholics say, but this one totally goes over my head. Why, WHY would you want to turn away people who are passionate about your religion and want nothing more than to spread the good word just because they happen to own an 18-hour-bra?

That’s PURE EVIL filling those C-cups!

What’s even more ridiculous is the fact that, for a while now, the Catholic Church has been experiencing a shortage of priests. So you might think it was a good thing – PROVIDENCE, even! – to have an entire untapped resource of faithful people willing and able to take up the cloth. But, apparently, the Vatican does not see it that way, and will not hesitate to excommunicate your ass for wanting to serve your religion…just as soon as they finish watching Hannah Montana and have another Sunny D.

The Catholic Church: Officially Less Progressive Than The Berenstain Bears.

Oh, well. I guess I’ve long since given up trying to understand or argue with them, what with all those crazy hormones coursing through their veins, and how badly they took it when I told them they needed to start showering every day and wear deodorant. But I’m not too upset. After all, there have been some other developments lately that give me reason to hope that things won’t turn out so bad after all.

Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young man! You’ll approve of gay marriage AND YOU’LL LIKE IT!


Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin  |  May 30, 2008 at 10:39 am

    I’m a fallen away Catholic (I think that’s such an elegant phrase, don’t you? Much better than heretic), and there are so many things about the church that I can’t understand. My mother (who still goes to church every week and presumably prays for the souls of her unfaithful children) told me that right after Pope Bennie took the helm, he told priests they couldn’t give communion to anyone who was divorced. And Jesus wept.

  • 2. Husband of Said Turkey  |  May 30, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    And the other good thing about letting women be priests: While it’s true that they *might* molest the occasional altar boy, it’s much less scarring and even sometimes enjoyable to be sexually assaulted by a woman.

  • 3. MLE  |  May 30, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    I’ve always found it very weird that in these modern times, the Catholic Church wouldn’t be embracing such an untapped population but rather encouraging closeted gay men to become priests. Because what heterosexual man, at least in this country, really WANTS to go his whole life without boinking chicks? Not that gay men don’t want to have sex, but since Catholocism says teh gay is evil, it stands to reason that a self-loathing gay man would find solace in a position that would preclude him from having to get married and make babies with wimmens.

    But then again, not being Catholic, I’ve always found it weird that priests and nuns can’t get married anyway. It just seems like a really unnatural and bizarre way of life. Maybe back in days of yore it made sense to have a certain amount of the population out of the gene pool to help with population control (you got to trade makin’ babies for bein’ educated, I guess) but I think the Episcopalians have the right idea.

  • 4. Leah  |  May 30, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    Whenever I see the word “Catholic,” I turn it into “cat-holic”–help! I’m addicted to cats!–and it makes all the yucky feelings go away.


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