How Are You This Fine Motherf*ckin’ Morning?*
Well, I hope you are FANTASTIC, because I KNOW I AM. And no, there is absolutely no sarcasm in that last sentence. Or that one. I’m just happy and thankful about a great many things this morning.
Happy? Thankful? Not sarcastic? Does anyone else hear the clip-clop of fiery little hooves?
Let’s get right to the happiness, shall we? Here we go.
After five increasingly irate voicemails, three weeks, and one particularly ugly profanity-filled rant spurred by trying to spend a $50 Visa gift card online (…don’t ask) that quickly turned into “And that woman never called me back about my mole!”, I HAVE A RESULT.
Whew. I’m really, REALLY thankful for such a happy ending to that annoying little tale, but even more thankful to HoST for tracking down my results in less than a day, which…uh…I was not able to do in the span of three weeks. I’m telling you, the man is smooth.
Has nothing on my husband. Except for a colorful bandanna or two.
He contacted a patient services rep for our insurance company, who was (or at least acted like she was) pretty appalled that I had no results or returned phone calls. She called the resident and chewed her out a bit, and I got an apologetic voicemail on my phone in which the resident left her personal cell number for me to call and further discuss my results. I called, she apologized again, and she let me know – in detail – what was up with the biopsy. For all the righteous anger I was feeling about this whole debacle, I have to say I really appreciated how great she was to me on the phone. I will definitely go back and see her again. And if you think I sound like a sucker for saying that, remember this: I have the woman’s personal cell phone number. There’s no avoiding me after this.
Also being filed under “A” for “Awesome” this week?
Set your phasers to “Awwwwwww.”
Yep. George Takei and Brad Altman were among the gay couples tying the knot in California this week. And while I think George and Brad make just about the cutest couple ever (and I know firsthand how awesome it is to be married to a Brad) (Did I just reveal HoST’s real name?) (I think I did) (I’m getting kind of tired of having to type HoST), I’m much more excited about the larger issue at hand. Ladies and gentlemen, we have gay marriage.
You guys, I couldn’t even bring myself to add a smartass caption to this picture. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT. That is love. That is family. That is what life is all about.
Give me a minute.
Of course, I realize that not everyone is thrilled about gay marriage, and I have heard all the arguments against it (including the ever-eloquent “God Hates Gays,” because as we all know, God is all about HATE), and one of the comments that really baffles me is the belief that gay marriage somehow threatens or weakens the institution of marriage.
Internet, I have been married since 2000. I was married last week before gay marriages were being performed in California; I am still married after the fact. I am pretty sure – nay, POSITIVE – that no marriage has ever fallen apart because SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE two gay people got married. Bitch, please.
Also? What exactly have straight people done to uphold the institution of marriage? Hasn’t anyone here seen Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Heterosexual marriage: It’s funny ’cause it’s true!
OK, I’ll step down from my soapbox now, before I get all pissed off and forget that the point of this post was happiness, not gut-burning fury. So what about you? What has happened to you this week that is deserving of a little online shout-out? Did you adopt a puppy? Celebrate a birthday? Watch that bitch from accounting get her heel stuck in the carpet and fall down the stairs? (A little on the Schadenfreude side, but still a form of happiness so it counts.) Share the love in the comments before the goodwill passes!
*[I don’t know if anyone out there will recognize this post’s title, but it comes from one of my most favorite television commercial moments of all time. Samuel L. Jackson was hosting the MTV Movie Awards one year, and in a commercial for the show, he’s walking around the backstage of a movie set and talking to the camera about how he doesn’t understand why he has a reputation for being such a filthy-mouthed bad-ass, because he’s really just a sensitive, friendly guy at heart. Then he passes a couple young kids and says, “Hi kids! How are you this fine motherfuckin’ morning?” And the random, friendly profanities to people he passes continues throughout. Brilliant.]
You, sir, are a delight.
Entry filed under: Thanksgiving.