How Are You This Fine Motherf*ckin’ Morning?*

June 19, 2008 at 10:56 am 11 comments

Well, I hope you are FANTASTIC, because I KNOW I AM. And no, there is absolutely no sarcasm in that last sentence. Or that one. I’m just happy and thankful about a great many things this morning.

Happy? Thankful? Not sarcastic? Does anyone else hear the clip-clop of fiery little hooves?

Let’s get right to the happiness, shall we? Here we go.

After five increasingly irate voicemails, three weeks, and one particularly ugly profanity-filled rant spurred by trying to spend a $50 Visa gift card online (…don’t ask) that quickly turned into “And that woman never called me back about my mole!”, I HAVE A RESULT.


Whew. I’m really, REALLY thankful for such a happy ending to that annoying little tale, but even more thankful to HoST for tracking down my results in less than a day, which…uh…I was not able to do in the span of three weeks. I’m telling you, the man is smooth.

Has nothing on my husband. Except for a colorful bandanna or two.

He contacted a patient services rep for our insurance company, who was (or at least acted like she was) pretty appalled that I had no results or returned phone calls. She called the resident and chewed her out a bit, and I got an apologetic voicemail on my phone in which the resident left her personal cell number for me to call and further discuss my results. I called, she apologized again, and she let me know – in detail – what was up with the biopsy. For all the righteous anger I was feeling about this whole debacle, I have to say I really appreciated how great she was to me on the phone. I will definitely go back and see her again. And if you think I sound like a sucker for saying that, remember this: I have the woman’s personal cell phone number. There’s no avoiding me after this.

Also being filed under “A” for “Awesome” this week?

Set your phasers to “Awwwwwww.”

Yep. George Takei and Brad Altman were among the gay couples tying the knot in California this week. And while I think George and Brad make just about the cutest couple ever (and I know firsthand how awesome it is to be married to a Brad) (Did I just reveal HoST’s real name?) (I think I did) (I’m getting kind of tired of having to type HoST), I’m much more excited about the larger issue at hand. Ladies and gentlemen, we have gay marriage.

You guys, I couldn’t even bring myself to add a smartass caption to this picture. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT. That is love. That is family. That is what life is all about.

Give me a minute.

Of course, I realize that not everyone is thrilled about gay marriage, and I have heard all the arguments against it (including the ever-eloquent “God Hates Gays,” because as we all know, God is all about HATE), and one of the comments that really baffles me is the belief that gay marriage somehow threatens or weakens the institution of marriage.

Some huh?

Internet, I have been married since 2000. I was married last week before gay marriages were being performed in California; I am still married after the fact. I am pretty sure – nay, POSITIVE – that no marriage has ever fallen apart because SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE two gay people got married. Bitch, please.

Also? What exactly have straight people done to uphold the institution of marriage? Hasn’t anyone here seen Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Heterosexual marriage: It’s funny ’cause it’s true!

OK, I’ll step down from my soapbox now, before I get all pissed off and forget that the point of this post was happiness, not gut-burning fury. So what about you? What has happened to you this week that is deserving of a little online shout-out? Did you adopt a puppy? Celebrate a birthday? Watch that bitch from accounting get her heel stuck in the carpet and fall down the stairs? (A little on the Schadenfreude side, but still a form of happiness so it counts.) Share the love in the comments before the goodwill passes!

*[I don’t know if anyone out there will recognize this post’s title, but it comes from one of my most favorite television commercial moments of all time. Samuel L. Jackson was hosting the MTV Movie Awards one year, and in a commercial for the show, he’s walking around the backstage of a movie set and talking to the camera about how he doesn’t understand why he has a reputation for being such a filthy-mouthed bad-ass, because he’s really just a sensitive, friendly guy at heart. Then he passes a couple young kids and says, “Hi kids! How are you this fine motherfuckin’ morning?” And the random, friendly profanities to people he passes continues throughout. Brilliant.]

You, sir, are a delight.


Entry filed under: Thanksgiving.

Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t Malignant? M. Night Shameonyou

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin  |  June 19, 2008 at 11:58 am

    Happy things? Wait, I can’t tell you about what a bitch it is to hill up all the excessive potato plants in the garden? Or about how I just spent 10 minutes chasing around the jailbreak sheep, slicing my wrist open on a wire fence before just screaming “Fuck it!” and herding them into the dog pen? Or about how they are now maaaing their heads off (no doubt screaming “Fuck you!” in sheep-talk) right now and probably will be until my husband comes home and fixes the goddamn pasture fence already? No? None of that? Okay.

    How about this–the mulberries are ripe on our tree right now, and they are DELICIOUS. Yes, that makes everything all better.

  • 2. Sara  |  June 19, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    Kristin, are you Samuel L. in disguise?

    Great news, Jive Turkey! I’ve been checking your blog every day to find out the news. And not only was today’s post great because you’re fine this motherfuckin’ morning, but also you posted a still from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, which just happens to be one of my very favorites. I played Martha in different scenes for projects in high school and college. It is (was?) my dream to play her on stage for real(sies). And what a dream that is, to be a boozy bitch! I’m not far off!

  • 3. Husband of Said Turkey  |  June 19, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    Dammit, Turkey! You gave away my secret identity. I guess now everyone will want to use me for my superpower of being able to coerce a doctor to provide test results in a timely fashion.

    (And I am so glad you’re doing fantastic this fine mutha’ f*ckin’ morning!)

  • 4. MLE  |  June 19, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    Looking at the photos of all the happy people getting married was the highlight of my week so far, too. The Superhero and I feel strongly about marriage being available to everyone (so much so that we used an exerpt from the Goodridge (Mass.) decision in our wedding ceremony).

    Other than that…uh…I got nothin’. (Congrats on your benign biopsy, btw.)

  • 5. Sara  |  June 19, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    JT, perhaps you should do the Dance of Joy in honor of your good news! (I’d send you the You Tube link of Balki and Cousin Larry doing the dance, but I’m at work, and they frown upon that sort o’ thing here, the bastards. Perhaps later.)

  • 6. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  June 19, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    I’m glad you’re doing fine. !!!

    Also, awesome post about gay marriage. I especially love the picture of the GAYBY, what we in the industry call the baby of a gay couple.

  • 7. jiveturkey  |  June 20, 2008 at 9:12 am

    HA! A gayby. I love it.

  • 8. Carrie  |  June 20, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    I’m glad you got some good news AND that your doctor stopped being a grade-A asshat. Also, I want to know what industry uses the word “gayby” and how I can get myself a job in it.

  • 9. BobTheShrew  |  October 1, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    And here’s the Clip:

  • 10. jiveturkey  |  October 2, 2008 at 10:39 am

    BOB: You have made my day. No, MY WEEK. This is awesome. Thank you.

  • 11. Basket Case « Jive Turkey  |  October 2, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    […] me with the clip of my beloved Samuel L. Jackson MTV Movie Awards commercial that I referenced in this post. Please go to the comments of that post & click on the link, for it is sheer brilliance […]


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