Forwards and Backwards

July 8, 2008 at 10:35 am 9 comments

So here I am, the Tuesday after a 3-day holiday weekend and the obligatory Shiftless Monday after a 3-day holiday weekend (with the special added bonus of an extra long Monday night rehearsal in which everyone was ass-clenchingly off-book for the first time), and I think, “Gee. I sure wish I had some words of wisdom to get me through the day. Preferably something delivered via email, that requires me to scroll down through 15 levels of forwarded headers, that has >>>>> before each line of text, and – ideally – contains some sort of vaguely disturbing clip art and a gloom-and-doom message with a pinch of religious guilt thrown in.”

“No, no – it’s cool. I mean, I died for your sins and you can’t be bothered to forward an email to ten of your friends in the next 15 minutes, but whatever. *SIGH*”

No sooner did I finish that very long, run-on thought when lo and behold, the very inspirational email forward I’d been longing for landed squarely in my inbox, promising in its subject line to provide me with not 10, not 20, not even 30, but 40 tips for a better life!

I think we all know that good things come in 40s.

Far be it from me to keep these sage words to myself, but instead of merely forwarding the email to a few friends, I thought I’d go one better and share it with the entire internet, or at least the tens of…tens that read this blog. However, I know that my readers are modern, on-the-go people who have big fancy jobs with lots of monogrammed briefcases and meetings with danishes and coffee, so I took it upon myself to weed through the 40 tips and bring you only the best. Let’s begin, shall we?

“Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.”

Speaking as a person who does not have ready access to anyone under 6 or over 70, I find this difficult. Especially because I’ve had some negative feedback from parents of children I randomly try to befriend at the grocery store, even when I offer them candy. Rude!

“Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day/Make time to practice meditation and prayer/Dream more while you are awake.”

Well, I hear that. However, my boss must not have received this email, because he tends to frown on all the sitting in silence, meditation, and dreaming-while-awake I need to do in order to better my life. Perhaps I should forward it to him.

“Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.”

Uh…excuse me? I don’t think I like this forward’s tone. If you’ve got something to say to me, just say it, forward.

[Not to be confused with Pay It Forward.]

“Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.”

But what about the POSITIVE BLUES?

“Don’t compare your life to others! You have no idea what their Journey is all about.”

On the contrary, I know exactly what Journey is all about: Feathered hair, opened shirts, and Members Only jackets.

Oh, Perry.

“Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?'”

True. I was saying that just this morning to the woman whose car I just demolished by running a red light. I don’t think she heard me; she was getting pretty woozy from the blood loss and the snapped femur.

“Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.”

Some might find this difficult to follow if they’re hanging out with the over-70 crowd as directed above.

“No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”

Wow – nothing is more inspiring than advice written in the tone of a frustrated mother trying to get her teenage son to put on a clean shirt for his cousin’s graduation.

“Do the right thing!”

This might involve burning down a pizza parlor or two. But don’t worry – in five years, it won’t matter!

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Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

Pimp My Turkey Googlemania III: Comedy Turns to Concern

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  July 8, 2008 at 10:53 am

    This is all very, very confusing. I don’t like all the mixed messages one bit.

    And the lady with the snapped femur needs to just get up, dress up and show up.

    Reply
  • 2. kristin  |  July 8, 2008 at 10:58 am

    Yay for Turkey posting two days in a row! And also . . .

    “I know that my readers are modern, on-the-go people who have big fancy jobs with lots of monogrammed briefcases and meetings with danishes and coffee . . . ”

    Ha. HA HA HA HA! Not this reader. But I still don’t want to have to read the rest of that drivel. Who sent you that? Can you block their address?

    Reply
  • 3. jiveturkey  |  July 8, 2008 at 11:56 am

    Kristin: It should have read “I know that my readers are modern, on-the-go people who have big fancy jobs with lots of monogrammed briefcases and meetings with danishes and coffee AND/OR spend lots of time herding sheep and other Not Pets.”

    And my sister sent the forward to me, but she’s pregnant, so she gets a pass. I GUESS. She’d better name that kid after me.

    Reply
  • 4. The Constant C  |  July 8, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    I think I have not yet so lost my mind (also known as sense of snarky hipster irony). If I do, you all have permission to do something drastic. Borat’s neon suit returns to mind?…

    My not-pregnant sister sends me things like this. Also things like put-out Jesus. Maybe it’s some kind of sacred sister roll that one sister in every family must fulfill? Like, lest the family castle fall to ruin or something?

    Reply
  • 5. Sara  |  July 8, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    Don’t stop believin’, Jive Turkey!

    Reply
  • 6. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  July 8, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    My favorite is about the NEGATIVE BLUES, which in my mind translated to read NEGATIVE BOOZE. I effing hate negative booze, but positive booze is another story altogether.

    Reply
  • 7. Leah  |  July 8, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    Yeah, why can’t old people be more aesthetically pleasing? It would solve so very many problems. Sigh.

    Reply
  • 8. Carrie  |  July 8, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    I’m going to start saying “put-out Jesus” everywhere I go. It probably won’t make any sense, but it will make me laugh.

    And, JT, thank you for those inspirational thoughts. I think I will go crack open a 40 so my life will be better.

    Reply
  • 9. Good Advice « Jive Turkey  |  September 9, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    […] 9, 2009 I am not sure what I hate more about email forwards: the fact that they’re annoying and totally fucking useless, or the fact that – by […]

    Reply

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