Forwards and Backwards
So here I am, the Tuesday after a 3-day holiday weekend and the obligatory Shiftless Monday after a 3-day holiday weekend (with the special added bonus of an extra long Monday night rehearsal in which everyone was ass-clenchingly off-book for the first time), and I think, “Gee. I sure wish I had some words of wisdom to get me through the day. Preferably something delivered via email, that requires me to scroll down through 15 levels of forwarded headers, that has >>>>> before each line of text, and – ideally – contains some sort of vaguely disturbing clip art and a gloom-and-doom message with a pinch of religious guilt thrown in.”
“No, no – it’s cool. I mean, I died for your sins and you can’t be bothered to forward an email to ten of your friends in the next 15 minutes, but whatever. *SIGH*”
No sooner did I finish that very long, run-on thought when lo and behold, the very inspirational email forward I’d been longing for landed squarely in my inbox, promising in its subject line to provide me with not 10, not 20, not even 30, but 40 tips for a better life!
I think we all know that good things come in 40s.
Far be it from me to keep these sage words to myself, but instead of merely forwarding the email to a few friends, I thought I’d go one better and share it with the entire internet, or at least the tens of…tens that read this blog. However, I know that my readers are modern, on-the-go people who have big fancy jobs with lots of monogrammed briefcases and meetings with danishes and coffee, so I took it upon myself to weed through the 40 tips and bring you only the best. Let’s begin, shall we?
“Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.”
Speaking as a person who does not have ready access to anyone under 6 or over 70, I find this difficult. Especially because I’ve had some negative feedback from parents of children I randomly try to befriend at the grocery store, even when I offer them candy. Rude!
“Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day/Make time to practice meditation and prayer/Dream more while you are awake.”
Well, I hear that. However, my boss must not have received this email, because he tends to frown on all the sitting in silence, meditation, and dreaming-while-awake I need to do in order to better my life. Perhaps I should forward it to him.
“Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.”
Uh…excuse me? I don’t think I like this forward’s tone. If you’ve got something to say to me, just say it, forward.
[Not to be confused with Pay It Forward.]
“Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.”
But what about the POSITIVE BLUES?
“Don’t compare your life to others! You have no idea what their Journey is all about.”
On the contrary, I know exactly what Journey is all about: Feathered hair, opened shirts, and Members Only jackets.
“Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?'”
True. I was saying that just this morning to the woman whose car I just demolished by running a red light. I don’t think she heard me; she was getting pretty woozy from the blood loss and the snapped femur.
“Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.”
Some might find this difficult to follow if they’re hanging out with the over-70 crowd as directed above.
“No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”
Wow – nothing is more inspiring than advice written in the tone of a frustrated mother trying to get her teenage son to put on a clean shirt for his cousin’s graduation.
“Do the right thing!”
This might involve burning down a pizza parlor or two. But don’t worry – in five years, it won’t matter!
Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.