The Girl Who Always Sleeps Visits the City That Doesn’t

August 14, 2008 at 11:27 am 9 comments

You know those friends who you’ve known forever, and most of the time they’re great, but every now and then they pull some straight-up bullshit that pisses you right off, and you swear you have NO IDEA why you bother being friends with them…and then everyone cools down and things are copasetic again?

Say hello to my little friend.

Yes, Internet, I am back from New York (well, I’ve been back for about 4 days), and while the trip was filled with the most awesome of things (shopping! plays! food!), there were moments of the not-so-awesome things (smells! crowds! the clusterfuck of LaGuardia!) that tried a turkey’s patience. But that is most likely due to this turkey’s increasing old-ladyness (“Who leaves an entire pizza on the sidewalk? Honestly!”) and crankiness (“GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!”) and not-being-used-to-quite-so-much-walking-ness (“Must…sit…down…zzzz.”).

If I could’ve found one, I would’ve napped in it.

One of the most glorious things about being away from home is that when you have some down time between sightseeing and whatever other activities you have planned, it is truly down time. Let’s face it: down time at home sucks. Because even if all your pressing duties are done, there’s always something you could be doing that makes lounging around on the couch watching Roseanne re-runs an exercise in guilt. But in a hotel room? When you’ve got nothing to do, you’ve got NOTHING TO DO. There’s no laundry, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no gardening. Your job is to lay around and watch hotel cable, and – if you’re feeling up to it – nap your sweet ass off.

I napped a lot, is what I am saying.

The trip got off to a rocky start when my flight into LaGuardia was delayed by two and a half hours – most of that time being spent sitting on the runway. And, yes, flight delays suck – but you know what sucks harder than a flight delay? LOUD-MOUTH PASSENGERS WHO WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE FLIGHT DELAY.

Unfortunately, I left my taser at home.

During that long delay on the runway, the plane had to return to the gate to re-fuel, at which point the huffy, over-important assholes who simply could not bear to have their ultra-significant lives put on hold one moment longer, decided to wait until the next morning for another flight. Since the pilot told us he could not guarantee when we would take off, they all muttered obscenities, hassled the flight attendant for their bags, then shuffled their miserable asses to the airport hotel. And the rest of us? Took off about twelve minutes later.

Smell ya later, assholes.

So, I got to the city a little later than anticipated, but thanks to my over-zealous cab driver, I made it to Brad’s hotel (and therefore, bed) as quickly as possible. Thus began a very fun weekend of very New-York-y things, including:

  • Pearl River! Oh yes, Pearl River, where I purchased a very cute tea service that I am hoping does not contain any lead. I also browsed through various and sundry very…interesting items on their basement level:

Not purchased, although now I am seriously regretting this decision.

  • Walking around the old ‘hood! We made our way back to Queens – Jackson Heights, to be exact – to see how the old place had changed. We’d heard it had been pretty gentrified since we left, but…things looked pretty much the same to us. Of course, the old run-down neighborhood bar had been replaced by a health food store, and there was a Starbucks were one had not been before, but still: things were pretty much how we left them.

The very same subway platform upon which I froze my baguettes off in the winter of ’03.

  • The play, holy Jeebus, the play, which was so good I still hadn’t had enough after three hours, which is like some sort of world record for me! The play in question? August: Osage County. The cast? Jaw-droppingly talented. The actor currently playing Violet? ESTELLE PARSONS, as in Academy-award winner Estelle Parsons, as in girlfriend is in her 80s and KICKED THAT ROLE’S ASS, and I have since decided I want to be her when I grow up.

You may also recognize her as Bev from “Roseanne,” and if that is the case, I will not judge. Mostly because that’s where I know her from. Ahem.

  • Lobster rolls from Pearl Oyster Bar and Cheesecake from Junior’s!

If I may be real for a moment, their branding makes me moist.

However, there were a few things remarkably absent from this trip – things that I fully expected to experience, but that just didn’t happen, namely:

  1. Mister Softee (I know! I know! But I just wasn’t feeling it!)
  2. Bodily fluids (I smelled plenty, but saw NONE. Downright eerie.)

Yes, that’s right. Like the responsible little travelers we are, we got to LaGuardia nearly 3 hours before our flight was scheduled to depart because we figured we’d have to deal with some monstrous lines. After 90 minutes in one such line, we learned that ALL flights to our fair city were completely canceled, and the earliest they could get us home was on a 10:55am flight THE NEXT MORNING. Oh, and because the cancellations were due to “weather” (MY ASS), they would provide no voucher for a hotel room, meaning that we would have to sit for EIGHTEEN HOURS in the FREEZING ASS TERMINAL waiting to travel the 60 minutes home.

Thank goodness I was wearing my 18-hour bra.

However, through some fancy teamwork (meaning that Brad did all the work while I made one phone call and whined), we managed to score one of the last rental cars available at LaGuardia, and proceeded to drive the 8 miserable hours back home.

What are you laughing at, asshole?

But we made it home safe and had a great time, so I guess that’s all that matters, right? Of course. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have a very important message to deliver to USAir:

I Love New York.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

I Wanna Be a Part of It Crying Uncle

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  August 14, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    You fail to mention the fact that I insisted on renting a Garmin GPS device for our car that took us home via Anal Rape County, PA. Let’s just say I can now cross “Make sweet love to a homeless drifter” off my bucket list. Actually, that was the only thing on my bucket list, so I’m done. Good night… forever.

  • 2. MLE  |  August 14, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    Aside from all the airplane mishaps, it sounds like a great trip!

  • 3. kristin  |  August 14, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    You know what’s even better than cable t.v. in hotel rooms? Cable t.v. in hotel rooms if you don’t have cable at home. The only time I get to watch “The Dog Whisperer” and that totally fake survival show is when we’re in motels. Good times.

    Welcome home!

  • 4. 4th reader of said turkey  |  August 14, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Sounds like a (mostly) great trip! I’m glad Estelle Parsons kicked ass – unfortunately when we went, we saw Deanna Dunagan’s understudy. I mean, she was great and all, and we got to see Rondi Reed and all the rest of the original cast, many of whom have left the show now, but we were still bummed not to get to see DD about whom everyone was raving.

    And when I go back in April, I gotta visit the basement level at Pearl River!

  • 5. jiveturkey  |  August 14, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    4th reader! Who is the girl you know that was an u/s for the play?

  • 6. Leah  |  August 14, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    You know I love Simon, but I think I love HoST second best.

  • 7. Sara  |  August 15, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Bev from Roseanne! Yes, it’s true, that’s where I mostly know Estelle Parsons from too, although she’s been in many things over the years. I love when she fell off the bed in the nursing home when she was having sex with Red Buttons and they called her Craftmatic Adjustable Bev! Hee!

  • 8. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 15, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Kristina Viars. Did you see her?

  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 15, 2008 at 11:10 am

    And by the way, in re: your Twitter from this morning, there are two dozen donuts in the cube next to me this morning.


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