Cheers & Jeers: Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball Edition

September 9, 2008 at 12:28 pm 11 comments

Internet, it seems I’m running high on hormones and low on patience these days, a combination usually resulting in restraining orders, trial separations, and guest spots on Maury. So, before I end up breaking a chair over some bitch’s face on a daytime television show sponsored solely by advertisements for slip-and-fall attorneys and the culinary institute, I figured I’d better do some therapeutic online venting. It’s either that or marinating my prenatal vitamins in Tanqueray, and I think the choice is clear.

(Jeers first, lest my head explode.)


  • WORK. Which…I can’t really talk about. AAAAAGH! But let’s just say that about a month ago, I got a new position (as well as an embryo). Problem is, the replacement for my old position still hasn’t started yet, for reasons that make my blood boil in the style of hot lava. ANYHOO, what this means is that I have been doing BOTH jobs. For a MONTH. With MORNING SICKNESS. Internet, I do not think I have to tell you how badly I want to kick Work in the nuts right now, but: I REALLY WANT TO KICK WORK IN THE NUTS RIGHT NOW.
  • FAMILY STUFF. Which…I also can’t really talk about. AAAAGH! I don’t really even know how to dance around this one, but let’s just say that me having a baby is going to bring up some issues surrounding the choices we have made about how to raise said baby. These choices will make some people very, very angry. So here I wait for the shitstorm to descend upon me, in my double-wide of “It’s my child and I’ll do as I see fit,” which will be the first thing to get swept up and blown to smithereens. Oooh…see what I did there? I crafted a terrible metaphor! Let’s move on.
  • MATERNITY LEAVE. OK, this is a partial Cheer: I do get some paid leave, which is awesome. And I am fine with coming back to work, as I’ve always known I’m not the stay-at-home type (or maybe I am? Oh, I don’t fucking know). THE THING IS: I started that new position, and I have a very strong feeling that when I announce my pregnancy at work, the reaction I get will not be of the unabashed-happiness-and-congratulations kind. I’m pretty sure I’m going to mostly get a thinly veiled vibe of “How dare you inconvenience us with your vagina!” Maybe I’m not giving people enough credit, and perhaps I’m just projecting my fears, but…I just have a feeling about this one, Internet. And I am not in a good place to handle that kind of assholery should it actually come to pass (translation: I foresee a public display of weeping). In the meantime, I’m taking my anxiety out on a bag of gummy worms (DEAR GOD, these things are AMAZING).
  • THE ELECTION. I don’t want to delve too deeply into this one, but there are certain vice-presidential candidates that drive me into a rage faster than when we are out of salsa. And that, my friends, is some fast rage.
  • GO TO SLEEP, CRAZY PREGNANT LADY. I’ve reserved this last Jeer for the various and sundry complaints brought on by pregnancy and its wacky hormones. Read this laundry list and feel very sorry for Brad (who has to listen to all of these complaints live and in living color, while making sure I don’t catch him rolling his eyes): I’m too hot, I’m too cold, I can’t get comfortable, I’m so tired, I can’t fall asleep, I can’t wake up, I had a bad dream, I miss coffee, coffee is gross, I can’t stop eating, look at how bloated I am, this can’t be normal, I’m a terrible mother already, I don’t want to be around babies, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?, I’m so ungrateful, I have too many evening commitments, my pants are tight, I can’t suck in, I love the cat so much and she is going to hate the baby WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Don’t let anyone tell you there isn’t a baby in my house right now, BECAUSE OH YES THERE IS.

Alright: venting complete. Time for Cheers (and maybe just a few more of those gummy worms).


  • FOOD. When I have an appetite and I find the right food, HOLY JESUS does it taste good. I’ve seriously wondered if I’ve been absent-mindedly getting high in my spare time, because the only other time food has tasted this amazing, there was a lot of patchouli and Dave Matthews in the room. In the past week, turkey hot dogs, breakfast burritos, cottage cheese, bread & butter pickles, and jalapeño salsa have all made my eyes roll back into my head.
  • THEATRE STUFF. While sacrificing my evening naps causes me to feel actual, physical pain, I’ve really been enjoying my latest acting gig (a staged reading of an original script). Keeping busy has been good for me mentally, since I’m used to having stuff to do in the evenings. I’m most excited about my next project, a charming little show called Chicks With Dicks (for which I did a SUPER FUN reading 2 years ago). I’ll be between 4 and 5 months pregnant when I do that show (we’re planning to hide it with some creative costuming), and this means I take full responsibility if my child is born singing “Time Warp” and threading the umbilical cord back and forth provocatively between its legs. These things happen.
  • FALL IS COMING! Normally, I mourn the last days of summer in the fashion of Sally Field in the funeral scene of Steel Magnolias, but this year? I cannot WAIT for the weather to change. I’m sure this is somehow hormonally driven (probably something to do with my rabid anticipation of stuffing and pumpkin pie), but it’s freaking the hell out of Brad, who is used to his wife tolerating about 40 days of chilly weather before pressuring him to move her to Brazil. I didn’t even bat an eyelash whenever he mentioned that the house was going to have to be especially chilly this year because of gas prices. Honestly, my reactions are starting to freak ME out.
  • THE END IS NIGH! The end of the first trimester, that is. I hit the 10-week mark this week and I can almost TASTE that 12-week goal (I hear it tastes like hot dogs…MMMM). Of course, I’m assuming that I’ll be one of those lucky ladies who snaps right back to normal at 12 weeks, but I’m hopeful. I’ve started to feel the fog lifting this week in certain ways, and I feel flashes of my old self (between naps). I am not, however, seeming to comprehend that – while the first trimester is ending – the belly growth is just beginning. In my mind, I keep expecting the bloat to settle down any day now. I guess I think that back to my old self = back to my regular body. And when I have a moment of clarity and realize that things are only “going back to normal” after I push another person through the ol’ brewster?


Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

Am I Being Pregnant? Headline News

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. hills  |  September 9, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    “ol’ brewster” = new favourite term ever

  • 2. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    Wow. That’s a lot to comment on. Let me just start with the “getting back to normal” thing, and say that I really, really hope that you will NOT be one of those women who is back to her old body 2 weeks after giving birth. Because then I will have to hate you.

    Other than that… with you on Palin rage.

    Is Chicks With Dicks a show with an actual published script that I might have heard of? Because it sounds familiar, although I may be thinking of Puppetry of the Penis.

    And I just got cast in The Little Dog Laughed, which I am way excited about. Yay theatre for giving us something to look forward to as we slog through our day jobs!

  • 3. kristin  |  September 9, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    Come of your jeers sound like they’re really going to be not good, but as I prefer to focus on the positive (HAHAHAHA) . . .

    I happen to know that the Constant C made bread and butter pickles this year, and I made about 20 pints of salsa, so between us, we got you covered if you decide to visit. Until your cravings change, that is, which may have happened between the time you wrote that and now.

  • 4. kristin  |  September 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    I noticed my typo up there right as I hit “submit” (I feel great shame) and then I tried to hit the stop button and re-post, but I got a message telling me, “You’re posting comments too quickly. Slow down.” Seriously? WordPress is giving me orders? Bastard. JEERS TO WORDPRESS.

  • 5. Husband of Said Turkey  |  September 9, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    CHEERS to my beautiful pregnant wife.

  • 6. jiveturkey  |  September 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    hills: Hee! I owe that one to the Fug Girls of Go Fug Yourself.

    4th Reader: CONGRATS on your show! Woo! Chicks w. Dicks is, in fact, an actual published script by Trista Baldwin – debuted in NYC a few years ago. And OH HELL NO my body is not going to be in pre-baby shape for QUITE SOME TIME after this baby is born. Trust.

    kristin: What is up with the judgment from WordPress? Bear in mind: I AM NOT WORDPRESS. Therefore, I am still worthy of much homemade salsa & pickles (*drool*).

    HoST: You’re the best. And not just because you bring me gummy worms while I sit on the couch.

  • 7. Sara  |  September 10, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    I’m with you on the VP candidate rage. I haven’t even posted anything (I could stop there) on my blog about it because…well, do I need to? Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about it. Blurg.

  • 8. The Constant C  |  September 10, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    Also with you on Palin. Grrr, Palin. (One of these days I’m going to put lipstick on my REAL pitbulls, who are in truth much kinder and gentler and more compassionate than that woman.)

    I have slept about three hours in the last two days, and not because I’m not tired. I could cry. And I’m not usually a crier. Although this appears to have changed? Hot damn, I don’t know. I’m too tired.

    Also–we now have bread & butters, sweet pickle chunks AND dills. I expect to see your lovely face any day. Fall is good here.

    Finally, I forewarn you that you’ve opened the door for whiny emails from me about family drama over The Way We Raise Our Kid. I look forward to receiving the same from you.

    Peace out.

  • 9. MLE  |  September 10, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Unless you plan to use a skinner box, I don’t think anyone has cause to comment on your child-rearing habits or plans.

    Someday I may steal your cheers/jeers idea. It’s a good way to get it all out there.

  • 10. Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 10, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    I absolutely can not wait for Fall.

  • 11. Sara  |  September 11, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    Jive Turkey: I must comment on your Twitters: 1) I think you mean that he forgot the letters between “U” and “I”; and 2) People named Leisl don’t enjoy when you sing “I am 16 going on 17” to them whenever you see them. I know from experience.

    MLE: I’ve posted on my blog using Cheers and Jeers before (I stole it from BiPM on Daily Kos); easy way to get a post up, too!


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