Cheers & Jeers: Fall Edition

October 29, 2008 at 11:38 am 10 comments

So, the lovely Kristin over at Going Country got me thinking about the turn of the seasons (a.k.a. HOLY FUCK IT’S COLD IN MY HOUSE), and I decided to throw a little Cheers & Jeers action at you this fine motherfucking morning.

First, I have to explain how incredibly different this particular transition into fall has been for me. I’m usually one of those people who views the onset of cooler weather with the same giddiness as a person awaiting a 6am colonoscopy.

It’s always too early to get a camera up the pooper.

But this year, I absolutely could not wait for the change in seasons. I’m guessing it was a pregnancy-related quirk, since one of the stranger side effects of my first trimester morning sickness was not being able to STAND going outside in hot weather, something I usually love. I don’t really know why – maybe it was because the air is so much more, uh, fragrant in warm weather? And every time I tried to take a walk on my lunch hour, I could barely make it a block from my office without gagging at the sheer amount of smells in the world? Whatever the reason, I have been rejoicing in every cool morning and falling leaf; the arrival of the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks has sent me into rapturous joy (even though coffee still triggers a gag or two). Smack my ass and pass the pumpkin pie, fall is here and I couldn’t be happier about it.

CHEERS:

  • Breaking out the sweatshirts and the blankets. Brad is currently rolling his eyes at this one, because my cold ass is swaddled in blankets all year round, but there’s something much more satisfying about wrapping oneself in fleece because of the fall chill in the air rather than because the entire universe likes the A/C cranked to 55 degrees from May to September. Also, our ancient house is incredibly hard to heat in cold weather (and the price of heating it is generally fucking obscene), so a cozy blanket, thermal clothing and fuzzy socks become an essential – if entirely unsexy – part of one’s wardrobe.

There’s a reason our child was not conceived in the winter.

  • The mass extinction of all those disgusting centipedes in our basement.

I think this one speaks for itself, don’t you?

  • Halloween! Thanksgiving! Christmas! For me, the order in which those three holidays occur is directly proportionate to my love for them. Halloween is OK (most of its charm being the discounted bags of miniature candy bars on Nov. 1), Thanksgiving is awesome (stuffing? gravy? PIE?! NOM NOM NOM), and Christmas is the culmination (the perfect marriage of discounted candy AND stuffing/gravy/pie AND presents! WOOO!). My birthday also falls on December 22, so I like to pretend that all the pageantry surrounding that time of year is for me. Sorry, Jesus. Sorry, Hanukkah Harry.

Back when Jon Lovitz was still getting work…a Christmas miracle!

  • Are you ready for some football?!? Yes. Yes I am. Brad and I are big Steelers fans, and football season in our house is not taken lightly. Brad has a Steelers tattoo on his upper arm, an entire room of our house that is filled with Steelers gear (and soon to be painted Steelers gold), and some pre-, post-, and mid-game rituals that are pretty much the only thing he does not have ANY sense of humor about. If you break or challenge these rituals? Do not expect to be invited back to watch a game at our house anytime soon.

Me? I have lucky underwear that I MUST wear for the game (I once forgot to wear them and HOO BOY, was my marriage lucky the Steelers won anyway). They have polka dots and are about as sexy as a pair of Depends.

JEERS:

  • Have I mentioned my body’s inability to keep itself warm? I have? Well, that doesn’t mean I can’t repeat myself. Internet, I AM ALWAYS COLD. I never go anywhere without a sweater, goosebumps are my skin’s natural state, and the surface temperature of my hands hovers right around absolute zero. And while I am totally jazzed about the recent shift in seasons, that doesn’t change the fact that I want to cry out in actual, physical pain whenever I have to pump gas/get the mail/wait for the bus/crawl into a car colder than the time Zack Morris lied to get out of going on a date with Chubby Wendy.

That was COLD, yo.

  • It’s electric! Oh Lord, the STATIC ELECTRICITY. How it plagues me from October to May! How it crackles and pricks every time I remove my coat or sweater! How it nearly knocks me unconscious each time to touch the car door! How my poor cat’s nose must be void of all nerve endings because of the enormous shock she receives when she goes to rub her little furry face on my fully-charged hand!

MAI REVENGE. U HAS IT.

  • Zombie hands. It’s cold and flu season. You take your vitamins, you get your rest, you wash your hands like fucking Howard Hughes. And how do your hands repay you for trying to keep them clean and virus-free? They crack and shrivel and bleed and make those who are brave enough to shake your hand wonder if you are the re-animated corpse of Queen Hatshepsut.

COCOA BUTTEEERRRR…uh, I mean BRAAAAAAAIIIIINS…

  • It’s hermit weather! Feeling stir crazy? Got a little cabin fever? Want to get out of the house and do something? No you don’t. Because leaving the house ain’t as carefree as it was back in July when you could grab the car keys and sunglasses and be out the door. No, leaving the house in cold weather means jackets. And scarves. And gloves. And boots. Now, where’s the car? Oh, that’s right. It’s buried under 2 feet of crusty snow. Better dig it out and let it warm up for 10 minutes before attempting to navigate the treacherous, black-ice covered roads. Bon Voyage! Hope that trip to the movies was worth careening your car into a telephone pole!

It’s funny ’cause it’s schadenfreude.

So, Internet, share with me some of your personal cheers & jeers about the onset of fall. Do you love it? Do you hate it? Are you too busy burying your face in a bag of Halloween candy to bother with replying?

I recently discovered that Butterfingers are my Kryptonite. I won’t judge.

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Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!.

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10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin  |  October 29, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    First–THANK YOU for replacing the donut image. My ass also thanks you.

    Second–Oddly enough, I usually LOVE the change of season to fall, but this year, it was overshadowed by a strange dread of winter. The opposite of your reaction. This might have something to do with the fact that my husband started bitching and remonstrating way back in August about the cost of heating oil and how we were NOT TURNING THE FURNACE ON this year, and everyone had BETTER GET READY FOR A COLD WINTER. Christ. Made me want to punch him.

    So, yeah. I started dreading the cold early. And now it’s here. I am currently wearing flannel-lined jeans, a long underwear top, long-sleeved t-shirt, sweatshirt, fleece, and wool socks. It is 52 degrees upstairs and my hands are really, really cold. Forget fall. It’s winter.

    Reply
  • 2. Husband of Said Turkey  |  October 29, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    OK, that video just made me lose my shit. Hilarious. Hope no one was hurt, but still… hilarious.

    Reply
  • 3. krysta  |  October 29, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    i love fall but then i live in california so instead of 110 degrees it’s a pleasant 75. jeers.. my house is old so it’s nice and warm outside but in my bedroom you can see your breath. that sucks.

    Reply
  • 4. The Constant C  |  October 30, 2008 at 9:26 am

    Um, did I know that your birthday was December 22nd? Because my birthday is December 22nd. Which probably helps to explain why we’re both so awesome. Because I totally believe in astrology, although I pretend only in an ironical way.

    As for fall, I used to love it, then I hated it, now I love it again. It has always depended on where I was living. Spring, for example, was the most hated, foul, muddy, cold, ugly season imaginable until I moved to Brooklyn–and then it was all birds! and color! and blooming! But in upstate? Grossness.

    Fall in Alaska pretty much sucked. In Chicago it wasn’t bad, but it was pretty darn windy and wet. I’m diggin on this fall… although, let me say, the extra fat maternity flannels? Even less sexy than normal flannel.

    Reply
  • 5. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 30, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Hopefully you’ll be one of those hot pregnant women. Not hot as in sexy, although – shit, I’ve seen your flickr photos, and you just can’t help being hot, bitch – but I mean like body-temperature-wise.

    Also: the word schadenfreude! Thank you, Avenue Q, for teaching me how to spell this word reliably.

    CHEERS: Making soups and stews and chili and all those other great cold-weather foods.

    JEERS: The wind rattling the windows in my old-ass house and making me aware of how much of my money is leaking out those windows during the winter.

    Reply
  • 6. Sara  |  October 30, 2008 at 10:39 am

    On Moishe, on Herschel, on Shlomo! Hannukah Harry comes to save the day! Or something like that.

    I hate the winter. I don’t know why I live in the northeast. I don’t mind wearing sweaters and scarves, actually, since I’m also always cold anyway (and I prefer to be all covered up). But fuck, the snow, the wind, the ice…blurg.

    Also, I had planned to update my blog this week using the Cheers and Jeers method. Yikes. Hope you don’t think I’m copying you if I still do that.

    Reply
  • 7. jiveturkey  |  October 30, 2008 at 10:47 am

    Kristin: I kind of miss the donut now. Don’t you?

    Krysta: 75 degrees?! You are the envy of us all.

    Constant: You’re 12/22 too? I can’t remember if I knew that either, but awesome!

    4th reader: Everyone keeps telling me the hormones will make me warmer. And here I sit, wearing 2 sweaters in October.

    Sara: YES! On Moishe, on Herschel, on Schlooomooo! I thought I was the only person alive who remembered that. And dude, you were doing Cheers & Jeers WAY before me. I’M the one who is copying YOU. Cheer & Jeer away!

    Reply
  • 8. MLE  |  October 30, 2008 at 11:29 am

    I love everything about fall here in Colorado (and I loved everything about fall in California, especially the starlings that would get drunk from eating grapes left on the vine to ferment) except that fall means winter is coming.

    I love fall food (squashes! pumpkin everything! shepherd’s pie!), I love fall color (our aspens can take on the east coast’s maples any day), I love crunching leaves under my feet.

    Jeers to static electricity and air so dry my throat hurts when I wake up in the morning. We need a new humidifier.

    I’m not generally a cold person but I have terrible circulation so my hands and feet are nearly always cold (even if I’m wearing socks).

    (Also, I am almost afraid to ask about the football rituals. I guess I just never knew anyone that into football before, so I have no idea what these things might entail. Ritual sacrifice of small mammals? Kissing inanimate objects? Bathing in liquid meat?)

    Reply
  • 9. Sara  |  October 30, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    I thought I was the only person who remembered it! Jon Lovitz fans unite! (Oh, how I miss The Critic.)

    Oh, and to be fair, I totally stole Cheers and Jeers from Bill in Portland Maine on Daily Kos. But we can’t help our stealing. Having a way to put my thoughts into a list is so helpful.

    Reply
  • 10. Leah  |  October 31, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    We have that Feline Terrorist handbook! And a feline terrorist, come to think of it! PET TWINS!!!!

    Fall here in Northern California is kind of weird. It’s either the warmest it gets all year (80ish) or rainy and ball-shrinkingly cold–usually one way for three days, the other way for three days, then back again until the rains come in biblical proportions. Not many trees having changing leaves, and all of our flowers are still blooming, etc., so it’s kind of a non-transitiony transition into winter, if that makes any sense. The best part about fall is definitely stuffing. I think I’ll make some tonight!

    Reply

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