Silver Linings: When the World Gives You Crap, Just Wallow In It Until the Slightest Improvement Seems Like a Fucking Miracle

November 12, 2008 at 1:00 pm 6 comments

You know, Internet, blogging is a blessing and a curse: a blessing because it sure is therapeutic to vent to an audience, and hey – it’s fun! But a curse because all the really interesting shit I want to talk about? I really can’t. Because I’m venting to an audience – an audience that might very well include relatives and the people who pay me for services rendered.

I bet her company’s monthly newsletter is a whole lot more entertaining than mine.

So, at the risk of frustrating the hell out of you all with my vagueness, I’d like to share with you my happiness about a certain situation at work. See, once upon a time, a turkey decided to to try something different at work…but this “something different” quickly turned into “something that destroyed her sanity, confidence, and faith in humanity.” And as the turkey could find no other explanation for the less-than-ideal situation other than that she was a terrible worker who somehow managed to garner her previous years of praise and promotions through sheer luck and possibly witchcraft, the turkey was sad. Very sad. She began to think that perhaps there was only one place for which she was truly qualified.

turkey-dinner

Which would be poetic, kind of like The Giving Tree, except mostly gross and no, not really like The Giving Tree at all.

So it was decided by the Pilgrims-That-Be that the turkey would be placed in another situation, since things were just not improving no matter how hard the turkey tried. Naturally, the turkey felt like a big, fat, feathered failure, and took comfort in happier things in life – like electric blankets, peanut butter crackers, and Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock.

alec-baldwin

But when the rest of the barnyard learned that the turkey would no longer be in her now-loathed position, the most incredible thing happened: one by one they came to the turkey and said, “Let us guess! We bet this happened and that happened and you felt like this and questioned yourself about that!” And the turkey said yes, that’s precisely what happened – how did you know? And her barnyard pals said, “It happened to US, TOO. And it isn’t YOU, turkey, it’s THEM!” And the turkey breathed a huge sigh of relief, because she realized that certain Pilgrims hadn’t wanted her to succeed, and seemed to enjoy making life very difficult for her, and for many turkeys before her. What could make a Pilgrim behave in such a sadistic manner? The turkey surely did not know. She was just relieved to know that her failure hadn’t been hers, so much as it had been orchestrated by others and pretty much unavoidable.

pilgrimHey! I think I know where you can shove that bell, Tobias! And I also have a cozy, smallpox-infested blanket I’d like to share with you.

So the moral of the story is that the turkey has had a better week in the barnyard than she’s had for MONTHS, and she is adding it to her list of things to be thankful for this thanksgiving.

thanksgivingAnd she will reflect upon this list for approximately 4.3 seconds before shoving her face full of green bean casserole.

And now, some housekeeping: It seems the lovely Pantalones Del Fuego has given me some McLovin, which – YAY! And I am now supposed to pay it forward to seven blogs that I love. But the thing is, I just did this not too long ago, and I fear my list would mostly repeat. So instead, I am choosing to break the rules and tell you all how awesome Ms. Pantalones is, because last week she generously offered to make little Spats a blanket for her arrival into the Turkey household. I KNOW! So incredibly sweet and wonderful – and the gesture meant very much to me last week (as did all of your lovely comments), because things were getting spectacularly shitty in the barnyard at that point. So instead of telling you about seven different blogs, I urge you to check out Pantalones, who is smart and entertaining as all get-out, who has kick-ass gross-out bodily fluid stories (not for the weak!) and who obviously has a heart as big as the state from which she hails.

And now, for your enjoyment, another long overdue installment of GOOGLEMANIA: VOLUME “PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET ARE KIND OF SCARY”!! (For those of you unfamiliar with this feature, the following is a list of the deeply fucked up shit people Google to get to my site. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably draw your shades and hope you don’t know these people in real life.)

  • “gross disgusting pale white legs” Obviously, this person has seen me naked.
  • “my child bring turkey picture he want to” Uh, I think (and hope) that WordPress truncates these search terms when I see them in my stats, because I get the feeling there was more to this story. Still, I’m pretty sure the Googler in question is having a stroke.
  • “hannah montana n*ked” Asterisk is mine, because GROSS, my friend – she is younger than some of my clothes.
  • “pretty marijuana” I like a person who can appreciate beauty.
  • “you’re not looking too bad yourself” Why, thank you. You might want to talk to Little Miss Gross Disgusting Legs up there.
  • “movies with the word snowing” Movies with the word snowing in the title? In the dialogue? Why would a person need this information? And why is that vein in my forehead throbbing?
  • “weed and your body” Someone obviously wanted to find out the physical effects of smoking marijuana, but they might have better luck using a more technical term than “weed.” It’s kind of like going on WebMD and doing a search on “ball cancer.”
  • “rico suave” Notable because I get one of these almost every day, and Gerardo has not had a song out in something like 18 years. I smell a comeback!
  • And the winner of the Best Butchering of Miley Cyrus’s name: “myrus cryus.” My God, it almost sounds like Latin.

And before I go, I’d like to include something from this site that made me nearly choke on my 3rd mid-morning snack of the day:

when-iChristmas idea!

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble, Thanksgiving.

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6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  November 12, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    Myrus Cryus was one of the conspirators against Caesar. And I’d actually like to see him naked.

    Reply
  • 2. MLE  |  November 12, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Aw, now you’re making me feel all squishy!

    (Can I admit here that I”m more excited about Blanket for Spats than I am about Blanket for Cousin 1’s 4th baby or Cousin 2’s 3rd baby? Because I am. I want to make the blanket for Spats first.)

    Also, I’m glad your work situation is at least somewhat better. Work stress sucks green syphilitic donkey balls.

    (Now someone googling that will get to your site too!)

    Reply
  • 3. kdiddy  |  November 12, 2008 at 4:48 pm

    *drool* green bean casserole. hey, congrats on the chick, by the way! is exciting, no?

    Reply
  • 4. kristin  |  November 12, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    At the moment, the idea of eating any kind of meat is not appealing, so those photos of Thanksgiving turekys? No thanks. And I know you know why.

    But yay for work not sucking! As much. Because sometimes, that’s all that can be hoped for at work.

    Reply
  • 5. Sara  |  November 13, 2008 at 10:52 am

    OK, first of all, best e-card ever (if that’s what you call it). 30 Rock makes everything better! And second, sorry work sucks, but, like Kristin said, yay that it’s a little less sucky. I’m always riding the waves of suckiness until the tide of a little less suck comes up. I’m waiting for the high tide of “yay! Work is great!” to come in, but it doesn’t. So I hear ya, man. Take it as it comes!

    Reply
  • 6. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  November 13, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    Yay for work not sucking! But at least you still have a job, so look at it that way, ok? Yeah, I know the whole “paycheck” thing is overrated when work sucks that much, but you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

    Also: Rico Suave! Hee! I once worked backstage for a production of Joseph…Dreamcoat, and our Pharaoh was played by this incredibly handsome and in-shape guy named Rico, whom we always wanted to serenade with that song, but didn’t because, really, how many times would he have already heard that lame joke? Man, he looked great in that Pharaoh costume, though.

    Reply

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