The World’s Fastest 31 Days

December 16, 2008 at 1:37 pm 8 comments

Internet, is it just me or does December go by in approximately 2 weeks? Because every year it seems I find a hole in the space-time continuum that takes me straight from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day in what feels like 48 hours.

48-hoursBefore Nick Nolte started sporting his state-issued crazy DUI hair.

I also have a dreaded, one-present-for-two-occasions Christmas birthday, which makes this time of year even MORE insane – and added to the mix this year is the birth of my niece AND a big change in my situation at work. So it’s been extra challenging to also find time for:

  1. Christmas shopping (HOLY FUCK what did I ever do before the internet?!)
  2. Christmas baking (Those 4 sticks of butter aren’t going to turn into sugar cookies on their own, you know.)
  3. Christmas decorating (We are officially the neighborhood pariahs for having reached the middle of the month with not a single light adorning the exterior of our house. For shame!)
  4. Christmas traveling (Only made bearable by container of aforementioned sugar cookies conveniently placed in the backseat.)
  5. Being pregnant (It seems lower back pain does not take a holiday.)
  6. Closing a show after a 6-week run.

chicks-closing-0131Can you hear that? It’s the sound of fishnets reaching critical mass.

But the craziest part of this whole season? Is that I LOVE IT ALL. The rushing, the mad credit-card-on-fire gift-buying, the baking, the visiting, the five minutes spent at a crowded mall before wanting to stab someone in the ear with pencil. And so I bring you a special holiday edition of Cheers & Jeers – it’s SO special, in fact, that it’s comprised solely of Cheers. And you know what I think of when I think of Cheers?

Say…is it cold in here?

bring-it-onThere must be some Toros in the atmosphere!

(I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of) CHEERS:

  • The shipment of maternity clothes from Old Navy (including one desperately needed winter coat) that arrived NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.
  • The Snoogle body pillow, given to me as an early birthday gift from Brad in an attempt to put an end to my incessant whining about being uncomfortable when I sleep. Despite the incredibly annoying brand name, this pillow is A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, my friends. If I saw the Snoogle walking on water and healing a few lepers, I would not be at all surprised.
  • My work situation, about which I have to be vague, but let’s just say that I have not been this happy at work in MONTHS. It also doesn’t hurt that they served mini-cheesecakes and cannolis at our office party last week.
  • Being COMPLETELY DONE with all of our Christmas shopping by Dec. 16, and only having spent a few hours in the mall fostering an unnatural hate towards the general public.
  • FREE RETURNS – especially helpful for the crazy lady who accidentally ordered two of the exact same maternity sweater, because she was probably distracted by donuts or some shit.
  • The roasted vegetable wrap at the deli down the street from my office, which provides me with the highest level of pleasure allowed a pregnant lady by law. Unlike the event I attended last night, which provided WINE, SUSHI, and SOFT CHEESES. Boooo.
  • The Steelers and their string of last-minute wins: Good for the team, not so good for my heart.
  • Getting to see boatloads (BOATLOADS!) of babies over the holidays, including my niece and my friend’s 5-month-old son.
  • Being able to hand said babies back to their respective mothers once they let loose an enormous poop.
  • Heck, why not: Letting loose an enormous poop.

I’d really like to keep this list going, but I need to go drop off a FREE RETURN at the UPS store and then head over to pick up the roasted vegetable wrap that’s been calling my name since 9:30am. More to come in the next few days, before this Turkey takes a well deserved holiday break.

baby-jesusJesus is the reason for taking four days off to sit on my ass drinking eggnog and watching “Christmas Vacation.”


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Because It Can’t All Be Catnaps and Nachos Thirty-two

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin  |  December 16, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    You lost me at “mini-cheesecakes.”

  • 2. MLE  |  December 16, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    I baked 5 kinds of cookies this weekend. Would you like me to send you some?

  • 3. Husband of Said Turkey  |  December 16, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    You look so good in that picture, if you wuzn’t already knocked up… well, hell, I’d knock you up.

  • 4. jiveturkey  |  December 17, 2008 at 9:56 am

    kristin: YOU KNOW I took some of those suckers home with me. For the baby and all.

    MLE: Um, YES! Emailing you…

    HoST: Please have that embroidered on a pillow for the nursery.

  • 5. Sara  |  December 17, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Seriously, I’m with Kristin. Did someone say mini cheesecakes?

    And you are just way too cheerful. I’m such a Scrooge; I hate this time of year. All the buying and the baking (office holiday gifts) and the cold and the snow and the…oh, did I mention I don’t even celebrate Christmas? Bah humbug.

  • 6. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  December 17, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    That is the first pic I’ve seen in which you look no-question-about-it preggers.

    And you could have shipped the wine, sushi, and soft cheeses to ME!!!

  • 7. Carrie  |  December 17, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    I thought I was the only one who just busted out random cheers from Bring it On. If you’re ever looking for me in a large crowd, I’ll always be the one with Spirit Fingers. I can’t really get away from it right now, though, because it’s 16 degrees outside and I hve to say: Brrrrr! It’s cold in here.

  • 8. kingofnewyorkhacks  |  December 20, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    I can’t wait for the state to issue me some nick nolte hair. great post


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