The World’s Fastest 31 Days
Internet, is it just me or does December go by in approximately 2 weeks? Because every year it seems I find a hole in the space-time continuum that takes me straight from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day in what feels like 48 hours.
Before Nick Nolte started sporting his state-issued crazy DUI hair.
I also have a dreaded, one-present-for-two-occasions Christmas birthday, which makes this time of year even MORE insane – and added to the mix this year is the birth of my niece AND a big change in my situation at work. So it’s been extra challenging to also find time for:
- Christmas shopping (HOLY FUCK what did I ever do before the internet?!)
- Christmas baking (Those 4 sticks of butter aren’t going to turn into sugar cookies on their own, you know.)
- Christmas decorating (We are officially the neighborhood pariahs for having reached the middle of the month with not a single light adorning the exterior of our house. For shame!)
- Christmas traveling (Only made bearable by container of aforementioned sugar cookies conveniently placed in the backseat.)
- Being pregnant (It seems lower back pain does not take a holiday.)
- Closing a show after a 6-week run.
Can you hear that? It’s the sound of fishnets reaching critical mass.
But the craziest part of this whole season? Is that I LOVE IT ALL. The rushing, the mad credit-card-on-fire gift-buying, the baking, the visiting, the five minutes spent at a crowded mall before wanting to stab someone in the ear with pencil. And so I bring you a special holiday edition of Cheers & Jeers – it’s SO special, in fact, that it’s comprised solely of Cheers. And you know what I think of when I think of Cheers?
Say…is it cold in here?
There must be some Toros in the atmosphere!
(I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of) CHEERS:
- The shipment of maternity clothes from Old Navy (including one desperately needed winter coat) that arrived NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.
- The Snoogle body pillow, given to me as an early birthday gift from Brad in an attempt to put an end to my incessant whining about being uncomfortable when I sleep. Despite the incredibly annoying brand name, this pillow is A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, my friends. If I saw the Snoogle walking on water and healing a few lepers, I would not be at all surprised.
- My work situation, about which I have to be vague, but let’s just say that I have not been this happy at work in MONTHS. It also doesn’t hurt that they served mini-cheesecakes and cannolis at our office party last week.
- Being COMPLETELY DONE with all of our Christmas shopping by Dec. 16, and only having spent a few hours in the mall fostering an unnatural hate towards the general public.
- FREE SHIPPING.
- FREE RETURNS – especially helpful for the crazy lady who accidentally ordered two of the exact same maternity sweater, because she was probably distracted by donuts or some shit.
- The roasted vegetable wrap at the deli down the street from my office, which provides me with the highest level of pleasure allowed a pregnant lady by law. Unlike the event I attended last night, which provided WINE, SUSHI, and SOFT CHEESES. Boooo.
- The Steelers and their string of last-minute wins: Good for the team, not so good for my heart.
- Getting to see boatloads (BOATLOADS!) of babies over the holidays, including my niece and my friend’s 5-month-old son.
- Being able to hand said babies back to their respective mothers once they let loose an enormous poop.
- Heck, why not: Letting loose an enormous poop.
I’d really like to keep this list going, but I need to go drop off a FREE RETURN at the UPS store and then head over to pick up the roasted vegetable wrap that’s been calling my name since 9:30am. More to come in the next few days, before this Turkey takes a well deserved holiday break.
Jesus is the reason for taking four days off to sit on my ass drinking eggnog and watching “Christmas Vacation.”
Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.