December 22, 2008 at 2:05 pm 12 comments

Good morning, Internet. Today it is:

  1. Freezing ass cold,
  2. My first and last day of work this week, and
  3. My mother-truckin’ birfday.

christmas-08-0111Either I’m getting really damn pregnant, or I had a little too much cake.

Thirty-two, you guys. What the fuck?! I never thought I’d be thirty-two. I can still clearly remember when TWENTY was my benchmark for being “old,” and I realized last night that this spring will mark TEN YEARS since my graduation. FROM COLLEGE.

old-lady“Did I ever tell you kids about the time I went to the Dave Matthews concert?”

I have had a lovely day so far (i.e., COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST), and I’ve already gotten the requisite phone call from my parents, during which they always tell me the same things about the day I was born (it was bitter cold; my Mom’s water broke at 2am but the doctor told her to GO BACK TO BED because yeah, I can’t imagine a time I’d be drowsier than after my water broke at nine months pregnant; they had to celebrate Christmas a week late that year, but my 3 year old sister was still young enough not to know the difference).

Of course, having a birthday this close to Christmas is one of those things that people pity you for (mostly because of the dreaded one-gift-for-two-occasions situation) – and believe me, I used to feel PLENTY sorry for myself growing up, especially watching my July-born sister live it up at her birthday pool parties when chances were my party would get snowed out AGAIN that year.  And then there was the time I decided to stand silently behind my mother as she pulled a sheet of Christmas cookies out of the oven, causing her to accidentally burn my lip with the edge of the cookie sheet. All of the pictures from my birthday that year featured a huge red wound on my upper lip, which was all kinds of attractive. Although I remember my cake being particularly spectacular that year…

guilt-cakeIngredients: flour, sugar, eggs, and UNBEARABLE GUILT.

The crowning glory of all my pre-teen birthday parties was my 8th birthday, which took place at PIZZA HUT and involved paper crowns and a CARE BEARS cake – FUCK YES, my friends. And then for my 13th birthday, I had a surprise party at my house with all of my friends. I had gotten a Polaroid camera from my parents that year, so there are many blurry shots from that party of me getting down with my bad self in all my seventh grade glory.

napoleon1[Which is to say, in a bad perm and glasses.]

My favorite birthday is, ironically, one that was technically my shittiest. It was my 21st, and while I had fun activities planned for me and my friends on the following weekend, the actual day of my birthday was about as boring as they come: working my holiday job at the mall and not even touching a drop of legally-obtained alcohol. Of course, the crummiest part of the day was that my boyfriend at the time hadn’t called me all day. By the time I got home from work that night, I was SUPREMELY pissed off at him…but when the phone rang just before midnight, I felt foolish for having doubted him.

wynetteI apparently subscribed to the Wynette School of Being a Fucking Doormat.

OK, so I didn’t expect the first words out of his mouth to be “Happy Birthday,” but, you know, mentioning it within the first HOUR of our conversation might have been NICE. Scratch that – mentioning it AT ALL during our call would have been NICEST. But no, Internet, he had totally forgotten my birthday. By the end of the call, I was pretty upset and he finally asked me what was wrong. Instead telling him to go shove it and hanging up, I just started crying and hiccuped out that it was my birthday. And he felt bad. REALLY bad. I can still hear him apologizing, which he did over and over again for about 45 minutes. And the groveling was…nice, but the whole thing was a pretty shitty ending to a thoroughly crummy day.

reunion-025Little did I know…

By the weekend, I had gotten over the self-pity of my self-piteous little birthday, and was set to drink my ass off at my party. A party, I might add, that included this really cool guy named Brad that I had met the summer before. You know, he’s pretty damn cute, too. And funny. And…and…

wedding…the rest is history.

(Also, that picture was taken EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS ago, my friends, oh my GOD)

(And I do not remember what it is like to have a waist, the end.)

For the next ten (TEN!) years after my 21st, my birthdays have been widely different – some had parties, some didn’t, most of them took place in entirely different states – but one thing was always the same: I always had the best present ever.

(That present being BRAD, for those of you slow on the uptake.)

(And I’ll go ahead and say it so you don’t have to: OH HOLY SHIT, GAG, SHUT UP WITH THE FUCKING SENTIMENTALITY ALREADY, WOMAN.)

(But it’s my birthday, so I can say what I want.)

christmas-08-039(And I say I want cookies for lunch, to supplement the cookies I had for breakfast. MMM. What?! Oh, leave me alone. Miracle of life and such.)

I hope each and every one of you reading this has a great holiday week, filled with cookies and happiness and gifts you don’t have to return. Do me a favor and put a little bourbon in that egg nog in my honor, OK? And don’t forget to join me here next week, when the holidays will be nearly over and I’ll be forced to acknowledge that the next big thing on my calendar is A BABY COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA.

makersSo, like, how sure are those doctors – on a scale of one to ten – that I can’t get my drunk on?


Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!, Thanksgiving.

The World’s Fastest 31 Days Holiday Hangover

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Husband of Said Turkey  |  December 22, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    Baby, you gotta’ stop making this grown man cry. It’s embarrassing.

    Happy Birthday, beautiful.

    OK, everyone can go throw up now.

  • 2. MLE  |  December 22, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    Happy birthday, JT! Here’s hoping this year brings some awesomeness. But how could it not? You’ll have a daughter. SPATS!

    I haven’t done anything for my birthday in years, but my 30th is coming up in March and I plan to throw a big ol’ party. I’ll have a good measure of booze in your honor this evening. It’s day 3 at the in-laws’.

  • 3. hillary  |  December 22, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Happy Birthday!! I had cookies for breakfast and it’s not my birthday. Nor am I pregnant. Thanks for giving me an excuse for eating cookies! I don’t have a disgusting sweet tooth, I’m just, you know celebrating the birthday of someone I’ve never met. Whatever. It’s Monday.

  • 4. Carrie  |  December 22, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    Happy birthday! I even had cookies for lunch today and I’m going to say it was in your honor (even though I ate said cookies 2 hours ago and I just found out it was your birthday).

  • 5. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  December 22, 2008 at 8:27 pm

    So, then, that makes this your 13th birthday we’ve known each other. Is that…right? Sheeeeit.

    Now I’m gonna go have some cookies AND bourbon.

    PS – You’re pregnant. That picture makes it official.

  • 6. Nev  |  December 23, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Happy (now belated) birthday, Jivey! I wish you much health, safety, love, joy and fun. 🙂

    …And enough of that self-deprecating mumbo-jumbo…! Your post was sweet, thoughtful, witty and funny (not that those last two aren’t always a staple of your writing!). The wedding pic, btw, kicketh ass – so sweet!

    All the very best for Christmas and the New Year;

    Oh, and Pizza Hut, eh? Bleaaarrrrrggghhh! 😀
    Worst. Pizza. EVER. The last time I had it was definitely over 12yrs ago (I’m now 23).
    But then again, what with originally being from the Balkans and thus in very close proximity to Italy, I’m veeeery biased– Wait, scrap that, one doesn’t need to be from Europe to recognise the horridness that is the Pizza Hut…’pizza’. 😉

    “…You jive turkey. See? You got to sass it. Quit jivin’ me, turkey. You got to sass it. A ‘turkey’ is a bad person.” 😛 😀

  • 7. Nev  |  December 23, 2008 at 7:42 am

    Hmmm, don’t know what I did there…I had the semi-colon after New Year so I’d say I was about to add something else…but what? Hmph, what can I say, I’m suffering from a cold at the moment…and it’s SUMMER here in Oz, ugh. Blasted colds!!

  • 8. kristin  |  December 23, 2008 at 9:36 am

    It figures that the ONE DAY I don’t check your site it would be your damn BIRTHDAY. And I missed out on wishing you a merry one on the actual day. I know that totally ruined it for you.

    Anyway, I hope you had a fantastic day. Not that you could do otherwise, what with it being your last day of work this week and all.

    Also, better a birthday three days before Christmas than two days after, when everyone is sick of eating and celebrating and spending any money at all. That would be my sad sob story, of course.

    Merry Christmas, J.T., to you and yours.

  • 9. Sara  |  December 23, 2008 at 11:11 am

    How did I miss this? A belated happy birthday to you, Jive Turkey! We all brought in food today to start celebrating the holiday (I was going to say holidays, but we all know which one we’re celebrating, i.e., not mine), so reading this, I thought, “yay, I’m celebrating JT’s birthday! Now that bagel followed by a big huge brownie can be justified; it’s for JT’s birthday!” But no. I missed it. Damn. I’m still raising my mini snickers high in the air honor of you!

  • 10. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  December 24, 2008 at 12:59 am

    Yay! Happy Birthday! My boyfriend’s birthday is 12/21 and his sister’s (who is only one year younger than he is) is 12/25. So they will commiserate with you on the whole two-events-one-gift thing.

    And, my dear, I turned the big 4-0 in 2008, so thirty-two ain’t nothin’. You’re beautiful.

    Merry Christmas to you and Brad and Spats!

  • 11. Hryckowian  |  December 28, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    Happy belated birfday!

    Wait, you’re pregnant? I did not know this. Huh.

  • 12. krysta  |  December 31, 2008 at 12:27 am

    shit… missed it… happy birthday


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