Jive Turkey’s New Year’s Rockin’, Designated-Driverin’, Just-Sprite-for-Me-Thanks Eve!

December 31, 2008 at 12:34 pm 5 comments

Jesus, what is UP with this time of year and reflecting on things? First there’s Thanksgiving, where you give thanks for the good things in your life, and then there’s Christmas/December holidays where you’re inundated with family togetherness and love and shit, and then New Year’s: the time for remembering the past year and determining how you want to move forward. And God help you if you’ve ever been trapped in one of those situations where someone insists on hearing everyone’s New Year’s resolutions. That shit always makes me nervous, because my resolutions are always either 1) something kind of private that I like to keep to myself, or 2) something that sounds fantastic but inevitably turns into a massive source of guilt whenever I fail to follow through.

cat-in-shelterCan’t I volunteer at the Animal Shelter FROM HOME?

I’ve always viewed New Year’s as a kind of third-wheel bastard holiday – one that tries to latch itself on to the end of Christmas but really deserves none of the fanfare, because there’s nothing that exciting about getting drunk and becoming uncomfortable watching a post-stroke Dick Clark fight his way through the midnight broadcast.

dick-clarkSee what happens when you go on and on about someone being “America’s Oldest Living Teenager?” PEOPLE HAVE STROKES AND NEW YEAR’S EVE IS WEIRD FOREVER.

Anyhoo, in the spirit of half-assedly ringing in 2009, I thought I’d do one of those “End of Year” memes, which I totally ganked from Hannabeth’s website (check out her Flickr stream for some awesome, not-taken-with-a-cameraphone-like-some-Turkeys-I-know pictures). Feel free to gank it forward and post this on your own site (and let me know, because I am weirdly obsessed with reading these types of things).

So, here you have it: 2008: A YEAR IN REVIEW

wheeee(A.K.A. The Year I Got Really Used To Talking About My Brewster To Complete Strangers)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Got good and knocked up, no thanks to the hundreds of dollars I sunk into those lying bitch-ass Clearblue Easy Ovulation Predictor Kits (I’m not so much letting this one go).

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I really have no idea what I resolved to do last year, but I’m pretty sure I probably gave my “volunteer more” stock answer if someone pressed me for it. I volunteered a lot more this year by donating money, though, and that should count for something. Believe me, the Red Cross would much rather have my money instead of my bodily presence in times of crisis.

red-crossJust hand over the cash, selfish whore. I’ll do the rest.

I have made a few private New Year’s resolutions to myself, which I’m sure will go flying out the window by January 4th, but hey – I can still blame wacky pregnancy hormones for another 3 months or so.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My good friend Heather, my friend and fellow actor Dana, and my sister, who birthed the most adorable, righteously-pissed-off baby with Beaker hair this side of the Mississipp.’

beaker11I am hoping my baby looks like Bunsen so we can have a matching set.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My gut instinct is to say “No” on this one, although I am terrified I’m forgetting someone really important. But I can’t recall going to any funerals in 2008, so I guess I got extremely lucky this year.

5. What places did you visit? Let’s see: Louisville, KY; Philadelphia, PA; Phoenix, AZ; New York, NY; Basketville, OH; and of course, all the requisite family trips to WV.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? More happiness in the workplace. 2008 wasn’t a total wash, but I often found myself wishing I worked for Michael Scott.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 1, the day we found out that God, in his infinite wisdom, fell asleep at the controls for a few minutes and allowed me to get pregnant. Also November 27, when my little Muppet Baby niece was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? OK, I don’t feel right claiming this pregnancy as MY achievement since my uterus did most of the gruntwork while I just sat back and complained about things. So I’m going to go with completing a 6-week run of a (really good) show while 4- and 5-months pregnant. That one was all me, with blessedly little uterus-participation.

9. What was your biggest failure? The whole workplace debacle, which I prefer to blame on certain other massive assholes and their rampant douche-baggery.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just morning sickness (she said, right before coming down with a flesh-eating virus in the final hours of 2008).

11. What was the best thing you bought? Two Christmas presents for Brad that made him really happy: a painting for the baby’s room that will break your heart, and an iPhone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Brad, who has never once made me feel like I’m using this pregnancy as an excuse to make him go downstairs to fetch me water/popsicles/my cell phone, even when I’m CLEARLY using this pregnancy as an excuse to make him go downstairs to fetch me water/popsicles/my cell phone.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The loads of people surrounding the presidential election who clearly done lost their fool minds and starting spewing hate, especially Ol’ B-Face. Also, fuckwads like Paris Hilton and Heidi Whats-Her-Nuts. PLEASE GO AWAY.

14. Where did most of your money go? Savings, my friend, for the first time in YEARS. And just in the nick of time. Also, the grocery store. Mama needs her pickled okra and Twizzlers.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The pending fruit of my loins, my new niece, Obama’s victory, the Steelers making the playoffs, and hand-me-down maternity clothes.

maternity-shirtOK, well, not ALL of them. *GAG*

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? “Deep Red Bells” by Neko Case, “Our Life is Not a Movie or Maybe”  by Okkervil River, and “No One’s Gonna Love You” by Band of Horses.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, my friends. Have I yet to mention here that my uterus is now the size of a soccer ball? WHAT?!
c) richer or poorer? Richer, I think – if only because I’ve saved assloads of money by not going out for drinks. That shit is a rip-off.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Enjoying our house & yard in the summertime – grilling out, etc.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending most of the best summer evenings in rehearsals.

20. How did you spend Christmas last year? Wait, last year as in 2007? I thought this was a review of 2008? Well, anyway, they were similar: Part of the holiday with Brad’s family, part with mine – both in WV.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? I never think it’s possible, but I fall more in love with Brad every day. And I also fell in love with a little gray smudge on the ultrasound screen. Possibly fell in love with Butterfinger bars all over again.

22. What was your favorite TV program? 30 Rock.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2008? Froze my baguettes off going out in the 10-degree weather with Brad to score a yummy dinner. Got chicken parmesan, a few sips of wine, and only minimal indigestion. Score!

24. What was the best book you read? I really enjoyed Rockabye by Rebecca Woolf.

25. What did you want and get? Fetus.

26. What did you want and not get? A job with great pay and benefits that allows me to work from home. Not that I looked for said job, I just want one.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Juno (although we technically saw it in late 2007). Also really liked There Will Be Blood and Dark Knight. I feel like I’m forgetting a bunch of movies here.

28. Did you make some new friends this year? Yes. Mostly on the Internet. Making friends in real life is hard when you’re not in school anymore.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being able to somehow help the people close to me who struggled with some Big Stuff.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Pre-August: Business As Usual. Post-August: Whatever Fits And Will Not Slice Me In Half.

31. What kept you sane? Brad, my friends (both on- and off-line), and doing the show this fall.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Obama; any random celebrity who donates to charity with sincere intentions.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage.

34. Who did you miss? Friends, family, Brad when he was on stupid bid’ness trips.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. People who behave like raging douchnozzles usually do so because they’re immeasurably unhappy and insecure. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but keeping it in mind sometimes makes them easier to deal with.

Well, there you have it. Now CHOP, CHOP! Do it yourself before you get your New Year’s drunk on (or after; I’m not picky). First one to break their New Year’s resolution wins!


Shut up, you.


Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!, Thanksgiving.

Holiday Hangover Tootsie & Me

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  December 31, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    I did this meme (or a similar version) two years ago, skipped it last year, and vowed to do it again this year. Look for mine…TODAY!!!

    (I am not secretly hoping Spats looks like Bunsen, because I wouldn’t wish that on any little girl.)

  • 2. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  December 31, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    J’aime le painting. And how generoush (yes, I just typed “generoush” – apparently I’ve got my New Year’s Eve drunk on a bit early)… uh, anyway… how generous of you to get one that says papa instead of mama. If I were you I would totally be trying to brainwash Spats right now. Maybe by repeating over and over to your uterus some little mantras like, “Spats loves mommy best.” Or “Spats only cries when daddy holds her, never when mommy holds her.” It’s never too early, mon ami.

    Oh, and Happy 2009!

  • 3. kristin  |  December 31, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    I probably won’t do this, for a few reasons.

    1) You know how I feel about memes (HAAAATE the word).
    2) I prefer to avoid reflections. Ever forward to the future!
    3) I am lame.

    But yours was, as usual, vastly entertaining. And just think, next year when you do this, you can answer #3 with, “Yeah, ME.”

    Happy New Year, J.T. I’ll send out a big ole slobbery kiss your way at midnight (in my sleep, because AS IF I’d be awake that late).

  • 4. Husband of Said Turkey  |  December 31, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    First, 4th Reader… I can totally read what you’re saying right now, and I don’t like it.

    Second, please JT, tell me you haven’t destined our baby to look like Bunsen.

    Third, you said “Brewster.” That’s the most disturbing nickname for the vagina I’ve ever heard.

  • 5. Year in Review « Jive Turkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    […] 30, 2009 Well, Internet, it’s that time again, believe it or […]


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