What – No Mint On The Pillow?

January 9, 2009 at 11:13 am 10 comments

Wednesday night, Brad and I took a tour of the Labor & Delivery floor of the hospital where I will be traumatizing my brewster begging for narcotics trying not to poop during labor having our baby.

miracle-of-lifeA really terrible date movie.

The group of midwives that we’ve been seeing conducted the tour, and they started out the evening with an informal Q&A session down in the waiting room. At first, it looked like we’d be the only couple there, but soon we were joined by:

  • A very timid and frail-looking couple, the female half of which was due any day and randomly chose to overshare that she “bled and tore a lot” with her first baby.
  • A completely joyless and miserable-looking young couple, newly pregnant with their first, who both looked like they were five minutes away from paper-cutting their wrists open with the Highlights magazines. Seriously, I never saw either of them smile once, not even when one of the midwives uttered the phrase “The perineum that ate Cleveland.” YOU’RE HAVING A BABY, LUCKY ASSHOLES – CHEER THE FUCK UP.
  • A couple of insanely young-looking, 7-foot-tall Stretch Armstrongs, who I figured were also pregnant with Baby #1 until the wife said they were expecting BABY #5 in two months. Friends, she looked about as pregnant as my left pinky. Clearly she was put on this earth to be a procreatin’ machine, as was further evidenced by her cheerful announcement that she was planning “another” natural childbirth this time around.


So after the Q&A (during which I really couldn’t think of anything to ask that I haven’t already extensively and neurotically researched on the internet), the Timid & Frails, Joyless & Miserables, Stretch Armstrongs and us started the tour. We were taken through Triage, the Jacuzzi Room (which was disappointingly void of champagne and hot nude ladies), and finally the birthing suites. I kind of knew what to expect out of the birthing suites, since my sister had been in a similar set-up when she had her baby in November, but still: the birthing suites?

suiteAre sweeeeeet.

OK, maybe not THAT sweet, but let’s just say things have come a long way since my grandmother’s time, when she was forced to have my father in the hallway of the hospital due to the lack of available rooms – to which I say:  FUCK A BUNCH OF THAT.

Anyway, I kind of half-expected to get a little freaked out by the tour, which was just another reminder of how real and imminent this whole baby thing is, but the opposite happened. I was ready to check myself in that very instant, hop into that comfy-looking Craftmatic-Adjustable-Vagina-Tearing bed, fire up some HBO on the TV and get this show on the damn road.

forgetfulI may have been forgetting the tiny detail of BEING IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN, but don’t harsh my buzz, yo.

I’m pretty sure my excitement was coming from my unnatural love of staying in hotels, and since this is a love that Brad shares, he totally understood my giddiness over the individual private bathrooms and nearby refreshment stations (almost like a free continental breakfast!).

Of course, there is a small (or medium-ish) (OK, large) part of my brain that cautions me not to be too excited about the nice hospital set-up: I mean, being excited over something in this whole precarious pregnancy process is a surefire way to make the shit hit the fan, right? But I can’t help it. I’ve worried over every other last fucking detail the past 6+ months, can’t I at least look forward to someone providing me with bedside cherry Jell-o service?

pudding-popsAnd I might never leave if they provided these.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Tootsie & Me Dear Coworker…

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kerry  |  January 9, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Ohhh, I have to set up my tour too. There are supposedly birthing suites at my hospital as well, but “space is limited”. Yeah, we know how that works out. There will just happen to be 67 others giving birth at the same time as me and, too bad!, they “all arrived just moments ahead of you”! 🙂

  • 2. HoST  |  January 9, 2009 at 11:47 am

    “Craftmatic-Adjustable-Vagina-Tearing bed” — classic.

    Baby, I will bring you all the Jell-O Pudding Pops you want.

  • 3. kdiddy  |  January 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    are you birthin’ at Magee? Because let me tell you that they have the BEST Jell-O EVER. Seriously. There has to be crack in it. I had a c-section so I was on a liquid diet for a day and after the first cup of Jell-O I was hopelessly hooked. I would call down for my meal and be like, “Yeah, I need some broth and some juice and…um…can I have 5 Jell-Os?”

    After I had my baby I decided to make my OB my permanent Gyn because I liked him so much and he is at Magee. Whenever I go for my annual I always stop and get some Jell-O at the cafeteria.

  • 4. jiveturkey  |  January 9, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    @kdiddy: I am indeed birthin’ at Magee, and am SO excited to hear that their Jell-O is worthy of a special stop at the cafeteria!

    See, the other ladies were asking about episiotomy rates, and I’m all: WILL THERE BE GOOD JELL-O?!? Thank you for sharing that.

  • 5. kristin  |  January 9, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    I happen to know that the hospital nearest us not only does not have birthing suites, they almost CLOSED THEIR DELIVERY CENTER ENTIRELY. Keep in mind this is the hospital in the county seat. The next closest hospital to us is over an hour away. Yet another drawback to the perpetually depressed economy in upstate New York.

    In addition, I would like some Jell-O.

  • 6. Carrie  |  January 9, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Do they make pudding pops anymore? Now I really want one, but I don’t want to have to go all the way to PA (and have a baby) to get one.

    I’m getting very excited for you, JT!

  • 7. jiveturkey  |  January 9, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    @kristin: WHAT?! That is insane (the hospital part, not the Jell-O part).

    @Carrie: Sadly, no – I don’t think they make them anymore. But I bet Bill Cosby has a secret stash…

  • 8. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  January 9, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    You know, I don’t really think I’m old enough to say, “Back in my day…”


    We didn’t have no damn “birthing suites” when I had my kids. They were actually re-doing the maternity department to make the birthing suites when my youngest was born, and they opened said suites about a month later. As always, my good timing does not desert me. And, yes, you may freely interpret all of this ranting as me being insanely jealous.

  • 9. jiveturkey  |  January 9, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    4th Reader, you are right to be pissed. In fact, if I were you, I’d go out and get knocked up right now JUST BECAUSE. Every woman deserves a nice room in which to scream in pain, and copious amounts of delicious Jell-O.

  • 10. krysta  |  January 14, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    what’s this about birthing suites? i thought you were suppose to give birth in a rice patty or something… they make child birth sound like a spa experience or something…


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