Grace in the Fucking Annoying

February 12, 2009 at 1:25 pm 8 comments

So, kdiddy has been doing this “Grace in Small Things” exercise over at her blog lately where she writes about some small, positive things that happen throughout her day, and man, I just think that’s really cool. I’m all about finding and appreciating happiness in the small details in life, and I thought about doing the same thing over in my corner of the interblog superwebway – but then I thought NO! Let us take it one step further! You know what would really be a challenge? Finding grace in the little, supremely ass-chapping moments of my day! Like when some douchesack runs a stop sign with absolutely no regard to the health and safety of the occupants of my car (which contains a fetus) OR his (which I can clearly see contains SMALL CHILDREN, like WAY TO GO, DAD with your reckless fucking driving, asshole! Why not feed the little ones some lead paint chips dipped in scotch while you’re at it?!).

serenity-nowSerenity now!

Let the grace begin!

  1. The new coworker who, in her first 2 months on the job, has called in “sick” 6 times in the past TWO WEEKS, her most recent claim being that she’s had a fever for three days straight. No longer will I focus on the fact that when she’s gone all her work falls to me, NOR will I sit at my desk and wonder how someone who’s had a fever for three days isn’t dead or at Johns Hopkins being studied as Pennsylvania’s first case of malaria in February! Instead, let us all take a deep breath and marvel at my peer’s creativity, which allows her to concoct such wondrous tales of illnesses (that curiously occur either on really cold, miserable days, or unseasonably warm days) to keep us all entertained during these dreary winter months! I will also make a point to enjoy my especially satisfying daydreams of seeing her out at a bar one night when she is supposed to be at death’s door. Who among us wouldn’t celebrate such a miraculous recovery?! Also worth appreciating is the amazing human immune system, which allows her to return to work after each illness without so much as a leftover cough or congestion from her certainly harrowing medical ordeal. God bless, sickly coworker. And here’s a coupon for some vitamins.
  2. Waking up in the middle of the night in a panic due to pregnancy-induced shortness of breath. As any dog will surely tell you, when you’re panting and short of breath, it means you’re excited! So I shall look at these instances not as terrifying moments wherein I experience the sensation of suffocation, but as my own little express trains to heart-pounding exhilaration. This must be what they mean by “High on life!”
  3. My neighbors’ Pomeranian and Malti-poo, who greet each day with a high-pitched tirade of hysterical barking. I can certainly think of worse ways to be woken up at 6am, such as being waterboarded or having spikes driven underneath your toenails! I aim to focus on the beauty of the animal kingdom – in which even the smallest of animals is gifted with extraordinary instincts and abilities. Just take the bald eagle, with vision so sharp he can spot prey from an area of over 3 square miles! Appreciate the wonder of the tiny ant, who can lift 20 times his body weight! Marvel at my neighbors’ hideous little rat-dogs, who bark and bark and bark and bark and bark at nothing for seemingly no reason – at least no reason that my dulled human faculties can detect. Maybe they’re barking to warn us of an approaching storm? An impending earthquake? The return of the Messiah? It’s almost too much beauty for one person to handle!
  4. People who feel compelled to share – with widened eyes – their most horrific and depressing tales of how having a baby negatively changed their lives. Oh, come now. I know these people mean well. They probably figure that I don’t have enough to worry about, and are hoping to give me some good material. Someday I’ll repay them. Perhaps I can be of assistance with my especially lively tale of how, when my friend’s mom had the exact same surgery as they’re preparing to have, the doctors accidentally amputated her arms instead? And left a latex glove in her rectum? And – what a coincidence! – she went to the exact same hospital as you do! Good luck, now.
  5. Having to jump through hoops and pretending to believe in stuff I don’t so that I can be my niece’s godmother. Personal ethics, personal schmethics. Just think of how lying to that priest is flexing those acting muscles! He probably doesn’t like hearing the truth anyway. The truth hurts, and he’s celibate – hasn’t he been through enough?

See how easy that was?! It’s all about turning the lemons into lemonade, my friends. There’s always grace to be found in any situation, even when – just to pull an example out of the air here – you always seem to crave food from a certain local restaurant on Mondays, but they’re always closed on Mondays (which, of course, you always forget)! So you purposely plan to eat lunch there on a Tuesday, and you walk your very pregnant ass all the way to their door only to find all the lights off and a handwritten sign in the window saying “SORRY! CLOSED FROM 2/6 – 2/12!” I mean, GOOD FOR THEM, right? Everyone needs a vacation! I’d sure like to take a vacation from my plummeting blood sugar as I wander around trying to find another lunch option before I have to be back at work in five minutes, only to get stuck in a massive line at the local deli! HA HA HA! Oh, WHAT GRACE THERE IS TO BE FOUND, I tell you!

chest-painDoes anyone else’s chest kind of hurt now? No? Just me? OK, then.

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble, Taste my Backhand.

Nursery Rhymes Breaking News! Nothing Has Changed.

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  February 12, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    High on life…LOL. That must be it.

    Reply
  • 2. The Constant C  |  February 12, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Whenever I hear the lemons/lemonade thing, I just think of Sarah Silverman…and then I laugh. And then I cry. (if God gives you AIDS, make… lemonAIDS? Ooof.)

    Reply
  • 3. kristin  |  February 12, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Hey, number 5 reminds me . . . did you see that plenary indulgences are now being actively encouraged again? We can all buy our way out of Purgatory! Way to regress back to the Reformation, Bennie!

    Reply
  • 4. MLE  |  February 12, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    3. They’re barking because they cannot understand why they are so ridiculously small when they have the DNA of a wolf. I honestly think it’s a shame that we’ve bred teeny tiny dogs, because it completely messes up their egos and worldview.

    5. The only advice I can give is to use your acting training. It’s not YOU who is jumping through these hoops, it’s your character, Aunt JT. OK, I got nothing. I’ll go away now.

    Reply
  • 5. hillary  |  February 12, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Number 5 made me laugh. And then shudder with fear at the thought of having to do the same thing for my hypothetical nieces or nephews. It’s a good thing my little sister thinks I’m a heathen and won’t ask me to godparent her future angels.

    Reply
  • 6. kdiddy  |  February 13, 2009 at 12:30 am

    hehe, people who don’t know me very well might assume that I am all sweetness and light. in reality, I often skip a day or two of GiST because I won’t be able to refrain from doing shit like:
    1) fucking fucks
    2) asstards
    3) fuck you
    4) fuck your mother
    5) fuck

    Reply
  • 7. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  February 13, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Regarding #3, your neighbor’s dogs are trying to communicate with my neighbor’s dogs to remind them to start barking and wake me up. It’s thoughtful of them and all, but I already have an alarm clock which is set to go off half an hour from now.

    And regarding #5… well, that sucks. Sorry.

    Reply
  • 8. Leah  |  February 14, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Ooh, I can’t wait to go back to work so I can once again share my office with my very own always-calling-in-sick-when-she’s-really-just-hungover-or-going-to-the-beach coworker. She’s had the office all to herself for two months now and I’ll be she misses me always WATCHING and JUDGING her.

    Reply

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