Soft Nougat Center
Internet, this week has been a little challenging so far. Not outright bad, in a “I lost my arm in a grain thresher and darn if it isn’t hard to type now!” kind of way, it’s more of a “I’m tired and cranky and work is stupid and WHAT DO YOU MEAN I have 6 more weeks in this pregnant body?!” kind of thing.
This about sums it up.
I spent all of yesterday in a haze (which I kind of expected since it was the first day back at work after a super-fun weekend visit from Chicago Friend of Said Turkey), and work seemed to last approximately 56 million hours, 55 million of which I spent trying to get comfortable in my bitch-ass office chair because I had suddenly developed some bizarre, super-painful, muscle-y nerve spasm thing in my left hip. I was supposed to go to the grocery store last night, but I had apparently used up the last of my energy being miserable at work, and that – accompanied by the snow, dipping temperatures and my rapidly dipping mood – meant I had to call it a night at around 6pm and beach myself on the sectional for the rest of the evening.
If this guy was watching a Tivo-ed episode of Big Love (which was AWESOME this week, by the way), this picture could have easily been taken at my house.
Today was another exercise in reluctantly dragging my exhausted (even after 8.5 hours of sleep!) ass to work and basically feeling sorry for myself. A transcript of my innermost thoughts from 8am to 1pm today would read something like this:
- Work is stupid.
- I am watching my life pass me by for 9 hours a day at this desk.
- I cannot fathom how much I’m going to hate it here after I come back from leave.
- It’s not like I have a career.
- But I do have a job. That pays.
- And I should be grateful for that in this economy.
- God, I’m such an entitled, ungrateful whore.
- Now I feel guilty.
- Also, my fly is down.
- And this maternity shirt doesn’t entirely disguise that fact.
- I think I saw varicose veins on my legs this morning.
- I’m hungry again.
- I AM TIRED OF BEING HUNGRY.
- I AM TIRED OF BEING PREGNANT.
- I am awful for wishing the baby to be born before she’s ready and properly fattened up.
- I am awful for not appreciating every second of this pregnancy.
- I am completely preoccupied with the thought of buying Twizzlers from the vending machine.
And so forth.
I headed out in the cold (GOD! It’s so COLD!) at lunch to buy myself something (because I have no food in the house to bring my own lunch today, meaning I had to spend money BUYING lunch – money I should be saving for day care but am instead blowing on an overpriced sandwich, OMG WOE, DRAMA, DESPAIR), and with the little bit of energy eating my food gave me, I decided to try to accomplish as much work as I could before plunging back into the exhaustion that was sure to kick in again by 3pm.
Then – speaking of kicking –
Please excuse the crappy cameraphone…
I suddenly became aware of the baby’s post-lunch stretches and pokes. They happen every day after lunch (and after each and every one of my morning snacks), so it doesn’t usually give me pause, but…this time caught me off guard. It was one of those moments where it really, actually sinks in that I’m pregnant, that there’s a baby in there, and that I’m already completely, 100% overwhelmed with how much I absolutely love her.
In sum, ME: whiny brat. BABY: trying to kick my ass and my mindset back where it belongs. MY HEART: a soft, gooey mess.
TWIZZLERS: not long for this world.
Entry filed under: Thanksgiving.