Neurotic Googling Update!

March 20, 2009 at 9:31 am 9 comments

Just as my hand was halfway to delivering a bundle of Twizzlers to my mouth yesterday, my phone rang. It was Brad, Master Googler, who had discovered through his mad Googlin’ skillz that weight loss late in the third trimester is indeed a sign that labor is imminent.

sorry-lady1FYI: I still ate the Twizzlers.

But what kind of imminent? Two weeks away imminent? Because that would be my due date. Or is it more like two days away imminent? Or two hours away? Should I just carry some paper towels and a onesie with me at all times? And maybe some extra cash? Because I’ve got a pedicure scheduled for this weekend, and having my water break into the foot bath might just be the kind of thing that requires a hefty tip.

pedicureI’m just gonna reach in here and grab my placenta real quick, and then I’ll be outta your hair.*

*I was totally going to use “mucous plug” or “bloody show”** instead of placenta up there, but I am still kind of in denial that those terms and the things they represent actually exist.

**Someone really needs to come up with a better name for “bloody show,” because every time I hear it, I am COMPELLED to say things like “There’s NO business, like bloody SHOW business…”

merman“You’ll be swell! You’ll be great! Gonna start to efface and dilate!”


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

The Cream Cheese Frosting Diet Let’s Hear It For The Brewster!

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. HoST  |  March 20, 2009 at 9:43 am

    “You’ll be swell! You’ll be great! Gonna start to efface and dilate!”

    HAHAHAHA! Gross.

  • 2. MLE  |  March 20, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Whenever I hear/read “bloody show” I think of a short horror film made by a pimply high school kid who’s never gotten laid so he makes a movie that takes out his sexual frustration on the girl he convinced to lay there in a puddle of food coloring and corn starch.

  • 3. Kerry  |  March 20, 2009 at 10:53 am


    I don’t know if I am thrilled or terrified that I will be reading your take on childbirth right before I have at it. HA!

  • 4. Sara  |  March 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

    “Gonna start to efface and dilate!”

    Perhaps your best caption ever, JT. Nice work.

  • 5. The Constant C  |  March 20, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    You know what’s weird? I think I’m more nervous for your birth than I was for my own. I somehow managed to maintain denial through the WHOLE THING. I recommend it.

  • 6. Laura  |  March 20, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    If you say “bloody show” with a British accent, it sounds much less ewwwwww.

  • 7. kristin  |  March 20, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Bloody show? I do not know what that is, and I don’t actually want to know, I suspect.

    And no, I am not tan. My face got a little color, but my legs, despite a couple of airings, are as glaringly white as ever. Did I ever mention my nice Irish complexion? Yeah. Not so much with the tanning.

  • 8. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  March 20, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    OK, I’m officially NERVOUS for you, so you don’t have to be. See how that works? Awesome.

  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  March 20, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    I’m so excited! And I agree that you win the “Best Caption Ever” award for that one.


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