I’m Not Coming Out; You Can’t Make Me

April 2, 2009 at 12:05 pm 10 comments

First, let me complete the quejarse circle by responding to each and every one of your complaints with a hearty OH MY GOD, THAT SUCKS, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?! Because that is how we roll.

[But MLE: if you will forgive this injection of optimism, I have to say that the fact that cutting chocolate from your diet has had no impact on how your clothing fits is actually AWESOME, because it means that there is NO POINT in denying yourself wonderful, life-giving chocolate. Who knows – maybe your body is trying to tell you to cut out salad instead? Won’t know until you try, my friend.]

sundaeOh HELL yes.

Can I just share how much I’ve been craving a goddamn brownie sundae throughout this pregnancy? And not just any brownie sundae: one from SHONEY’S. You folks from the South know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

shoneyThe Shoney Bear: haunting your dreams since 1947.

ANYWAY. As you may have divined from my fixation on brownie sundaes, I am still pregnant. I actually took the day off yesterday due to a night of uncomfortable contractions and all-around crappy-feeling-ness, but nothing came of it. I had another restless night last night, but at my midwife appointment this morning she determined that – although the baby’s head has limbo-ed down as low as she can go and I am 50% effaced – I am not dilated at all. “But that doesn’t really mean anything,” said the nice, pretty midwife, who then quickly ducked out of the room because she sensed I was about ready to WEAR IT OUT ON HER.

girl-fightDilate THIS, sucka!

She also had me make two more appointments: one for next Friday at which I’ll do a stress test to determine that the baby is still OK in there, and one the following week for an ultrasound – at which point they will also schedule me for an induction.


And if I make it that far, I am totally driving to West Virginia for a Shoney’s brownie sundae because WAAAAAAAAAH.

I know it’s absolutely insane, but there is a huge part of my brain that does not believe for a second that I am going to have a baby. I logically know she’s going to come out of there sometime, yet my constant monitoring for contractions/other labor symptoms totally reminds me of when I was trying to get pregnant, and how every day past a missed period was filled with me trying to convince myself that every little twinge was a sign that I was totally knocked up for reals.  And I KNOW it’s crazy, because I KNOW she cannot just hang out in my (obviously very comfortable) uterus forever, but it does start to feel that way at 40 weeks.

african-elephant2These poor saps gestate for 22 MONTHS, and WE WONDER WHY THEY GO ROGUE?!

So! Distraction is the order of the day. My goal is to make plans upon plans until I tempt fate to have my water break in public so many times that it actually happens. Do you hear that, amniotic fluid? I DARE you to show your cowardly face at a 9pm showing of Adventureland tomorrow night!

adventureland1Was totally filmed in Pittsburgh, by the by.

Oh, and I’d like to send a special thanks to my friend Paige, who tried very mightily to make me go into labor last night using her mad ice-cream-blending skillz. It didn’t work, obviously, but that doesn’t mean I’m above giving her another chance to serve me huge portions of ice cream in the hope that it’s the magical, homeopathic labor-inducing miracle the medical industry has been keeping under its greedy little toup.

toupeeYou are fooling no one, sir.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Quejarse Doin’ the Due

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sara  |  April 2, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Aaah! That picture at the end both frightened and delighted me. Weird.

  • 2. MLE  |  April 2, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    I’m still eating chocolate, just not eating chocolate AT WORK. You know, an extra six pieces a day that I really didn’t need.

    Mostly I am PMSing out the wazoo and my body’s all bloated and my friend who had the birthday ball posted the photos on facebook, and one of them is the absolute worst photo ever taken of me in existence.

    But enough about me! I think you should get that brownie sundae. In fact, I think you should have as many brownie sundaes as you like!

    (Am I the only one who thought you didn’t post yesterday because you were having the baby, and then this morning thought that maybe you didn’t post yesterday because you were trying to make people THINK you had the baby as an April Fool’s joke? No? Just me? Alrighty then.)

  • 3. HoST  |  April 2, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    “There is nothing wrong with that dog’s hair! It looks fantastic,” he said defensively with the understanding that he, too, would someday need a rug.

    Also, ice cream. We will use the baby’s tardiness as an excuse to go get more this weekend.

  • 4. kristin  |  April 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Though not pregnant, I DID just finish a marathon session of raking and hauling and fencing and general spring cleaning outside, and so I feel I definitely deserve a brownie sundae. The nearest ice cream place is 15 miles away, however. Suck.

  • 5. Carrie  |  April 2, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Oh my god. Where did you find that picture of a dog in a toupee? I’ve seen the wigs for cats, but they cannot hold a candle to that glorious beast up there.

    I was going to spend my weekend unpacking our house, but now I think I’ll have to be making a wig for my dog. That’s just great.

  • 6. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  April 2, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Oh, she’s a stubborn one. I like her already.

    Eat all the ice cream you want.

  • 7. Leah  |  April 2, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    After I went to the hospital with false labor, everyone told me to “be active!” and “walk, walk, walk!” to get things started. But after I tried that for a day and it didn’t work IMMEDIATELY, I was so pissed off that I refused to try anything anymore and spent the next day watching movies and taking a bubble bath and ignoring the fact that there was a baby in me that I wanted to be out of me. That very afternoon I went into labor. I’M JUST SAYING.

  • 8. kdiddy  |  April 2, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    my kid was two weeks late and at that point I was convinced he just wasn’t ever coming out and laughed at the doctors and all of their cute little inductions.

  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  April 2, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    In the very city where I live, there is an amusement park named Adventureland. And Daughter of 4th Reader is having her birthday party at the Adventureland Inn (with TWO indoor pools, one of which boasts a swim-up bar, thank you, God) this Saturday night! Therefore perhaps I shall go see this movie. Uh, but not Saturday night because I’ll be at the swim-up bar.

  • 10. Paige  |  April 3, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Come on by tonight and I’ll serve you up some more deliciousness!! I’m glad that you guys came by!
    And the pic of that dog is strangely amazing!


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