Nine Years

July 22, 2009 at 11:59 am 10 comments

Nine years ago today, Brad bought the cow.


Liked it, put a ring on it.

Yes, nine years ago today, my day was a whirlwind of flowers and champagne and smiling so much my face hurt. I had wanted to marry Brad since the week after our first kiss in early 1998, and after two long years of waiting (one of which being particularly challenging) I was finally his wife.

[SIDEBAR: After re-reading that entry I linked to above, I am realizing that I never provided you with the photographic evidence of my infamous bachelorette party! For shame! It seems I was distracted by the small person who came out of my vagina. I will try to find and scan those pictures ASAP so that the circle of embarrassment will finally be complete.]

I often think about what I might do differently if I had to plan my wedding all over again, and I have to say that besides the tiny detail of not having a religious ceremony (my bad, Lord!), I’d keep everything exactly the same. And that’s saying a lot, because there aren’t many things I can look back on ten years after the fact and say, “Nope, wouldn’t change a thing.”


Purchase of Baha Men CD, I’m looking at you.*

We had a pretty medium-sized wedding: 6 bridesmaids, 6 groomsmen, zero adorable children tasked with carrying the rings only to have a total meltdown in the back of the church thereby TOTALLY RUINING THE PICTURES OMG BRIDEZILLA RAAAWR. The only thing that really went wrong with the day was that someone forgot to turn on the lights that illuminate the HUGE altar of the church (something that is not really noticeable when you’re ON the altar, as we were), so in all of the pictures that the photographer took from the choir loft, it looks like the fucking church is closed. Grr.

But no matter: everything else – from the reception to the food to the cake – was absolutely perfect. One of the things I was most excited about (besides the spanokopita appetizers NOM NOM NOM) was the DJ, because – as CFoST knows – I am a huge fan of stroking it to the east/west/woman I love best, and will not hesitate to turn it out to The Thong Song, which was not only played TWICE at my reception, but that I also had the DJ DEDICATE TO MY SISTER, oh yes.


The Holy Spirit was indeed present at our blessed event.

I remember totally neglecting my “visiting each table at the reception” duties to get down with my bad self on the dance floor, which I’m sure ruffled a few etiquette feathers, but whatever. If you want to talk, haul your ass over here and join me as I break it down to “Copacabana.” Is that really too much to ask?


No, it’s not. But it IS too much to ask the wearer of these sleeves to keep pretending he’s straight. Come out, already! We love you, Barry Manilow! We don’t care if your girlfriend’s name is Stan(ilow)!

To this day, I still have people telling me what a great time they had at our wedding, and that really warms my heart. I like to think that they had a great time because they were bathed in the glow of our everlasting love, but it is more likely they were bathed in the glow of Seagram’s 7, because the bar, she was WIDE OPEN. And I will just say that it is downright amazing how many alcohol-condemning Baptists will throw back a rum & Coke or five when that shit is free.


Nearer my buzz to thee.

One of my clearest memories of the reception is breaking into my wedding money to pay the DJ to stay for a few extra hours. Yes, the money that was meant to be spent on down comforters and perfectly lovely sterling silver napkin rings was immediately handed over to fucking Super Duper Charlie Cooper (his real name, OMG) so that my nearest and dearest friends could put their stank on the parquet dance floor.


Hope it gets mopped between receptions.

Eventually, Charlie Cooper had to go be Super Duper somewhere else, so Brad & I moved the party to a local bar where we continued the drinking and ordered some pizzas for the group. This is also where I discovered two things:

1) You don’t have to pay for SHIT when you are wearing a wedding dress in public, and

2) The adrenalin of getting married will somehow allow you to drink for twelve hours straight without so much as a tiny barf-in-your-mouth-that-you-thought-was-going-to-just-be-a-belch.

A glorious day it was.

After we closed down the bar and shared a cab back to the hotel with my cousin, we went about consummating our most holy union by ordering up some dirty movies on the TV and passing out cold on top of the covers.

ringAlls I can say is THANK GOODNESS FOR PREMARITAL SEX. Otherwise, “the wait” would have lasted until 6pm two days after the wedding, when we were finally able to function without Tylenol and black coffee.

The morning after the wedding, I awoke to the most incredible sight. Well, scratch that. I actually awoke to the most repulsive sight, as the dirty movies we ordered were STILL playing in a loop on the television, and there’s nothing like waking up to the sights and sounds of three very flexible and sexy consenting adults doing…THAT. But once I managed to stop staring at the TV, I turned my gaze to the wonderful and sexy consenting adult beside me: Brad. My best friend. My husband.

sadie bradFrom L-R: My heart and my soul.

Happy Anniversary, baby.

*I so did not purchase this CD, and could not bear the thought of you thinking I had.  I did, however, routinely Get Jiggy Wit’ It.


Entry filed under: Thanksgiving.


10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  July 22, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Your wedding was one of the funnest days of my life, to be sure. I still feel lucky to have been a part of it and that you were both part of mine. (weeps openly at desk).

  • 2. hillary  |  July 22, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    happy anniversary!

  • 3. HoST  |  July 22, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Baby, between our wedding day and the day Sadie was born, I have to imagine my quota of “Most Amazing Days Ever” has definitely been filled.

    I love you more than I can say… even more now than 9 years ago.

    Also, “Nearer my buzz to thee” is the best caption you’ve ever written.

  • 4. kristin  |  July 22, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    How long does it take you to find these photos? However long it is, it is TOTALLY WORTH IT. I particularly enjoyed Barry.

    Happy Anniversary to you both. And thank God that baby is out so you can BOTH have a drink to celebrate.

  • 5. MLE  |  July 22, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    Happy anniversary to you both!

    (And, um, it took us 3 days afterward, between the utter exhaustion after the wedding and reception and afterparty, having to clean everything up the next day and more exhaustion and sleeping in my mom’s house and then driving to LA and sleeping on our friend Monkey’s futon. It wasn’t until we were in a cheap-ass motel room somewhere in Utah that we finally had a chance to have Married People Sex.)

  • 6. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  July 23, 2009 at 12:56 am

    Happy Anniversary!

  • 7. Sara  |  July 23, 2009 at 1:44 am

    Happy anniversary! “Nearer my buzz to thee” may very well be the best caption you ever wrote! Although I did enjoy Stan(ilow)…I think my laugh actually qualified as a gaffaw at that one! His shirt is glorious, too. Anyway, sounds like it was a fun wedding. I wish I had been there…for the open bar AND “Strokin'”/”Copa” dancing.

  • 8. Constantina  |  July 23, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Sweetest.Post.Ever. I’m all verklempt, and I’m not even blaming the hormones.

  • 9. Kate  |  July 23, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Happy Anniversary!

  • 10. Mermanda  |  August 19, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    My wedding is less than two months away and I can tell you that we are not dipping into any wedding money even if the DJ is super duper. The reception site has a rule that the party must stop at 10 p.m. and everyone must be out by 11 p.m. People better get their dance on early is all I have to say about that.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

Pittsburgh Bloggers


Whatchu Twitterin’, Jive Turkey?



I'm Gonna Git You, Flicka!

%d bloggers like this: