100 Things, Two Announcements, And One Big-Ass Coincidence

August 24, 2009 at 11:08 am 20 comments

So, the other day I was catching up on my blog-reading, as I’d fallen pretty far behind for some reason. I can’t really remember why, though…

img_4366Oh yeah. That’s right.

I was over at Hillary’s place when I happened to click on a link to Mermanda’s site. Her latest post was a gallery of engagement pictures, taken about 5 minutes from where I work. In fact, I pass by there just about every day when I take a walk. Weird, huh? So I read through some of her stuff, and HEE. Her writing style actually reminds me of one of the very first blogs I ever read, hashai. (But wait! Before you click on that link! The old iteration of hashai that I’m talking about no longer exists. She took it down. Boo. This is her new and improved interior-design-centric version.) Anyway, I wrote a comment on one of Mermanda’s posts, and I was all “Hi, I live in Pittsburgh too.” And she commented on one of my posts, all, “Hi, were you walking down Craig Street this afternoon? Because I think I saw you.” And Internet, I WAS and SHE DID. Is that not INSANE?!

(Here is where – if I was telling Brad this story – he’d be all, “Huh. Weird,” which would cause me to get shrill and repeat “BUT IS THAT NOT JUST THE MOST INSANE THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD?!” until he was finally browbeaten into admitting that YES, FINE, it’s a GODDAMN MIRACLE, please shut up already. But EVEN BRAD thought this was a pretty amazing coincidence when I told him about it the other day. So, you know. BE AMAZED. Or else I will not shut up about it.)

Sadly, I didn’t catch Mermanda’s eye because of my massive nursing rack or because I am hot like that, but rather because I apparently look an awful lot like her fiance’s ex-girlfriend. Which, for some reason, makes me feel all responsible for everything this girl might have done in her lifetime. So listen up, all you people who kind of look like me: straighten up and fly right. I do not have time for any more guilt in my life.


And this is why.

(And why didn’t I wipe off her chin before taking this picture? Her perfect sweet angel skin is going to get chapped! BAD MOTHER! BAD MOTHER!)

(See what I mean?)

Anyhoo, I saw that Mermanda had done one of those 100 things posts, and I thought HEY! Easy blog idea. So here we go.

“100 Things About Me You Totally Could Have Made It Through Life Without Knowing,” A.K.A. “Come To Think Of It, That Probably Should Have Been The Name Of My Blog”

1. I have been using the name “Jive Turkey” all over the Internet Superhighway since 1999, when someone sent me this little animated cartoon game called “Jive Turkey Jones,” in which a little pimped out turkey had to protect his little turkey ladies from the Pilgrims.


OMG! Here he is! EEE!

2. On the rare occasion I can actually gather the balls to kill an insect, I feel immediately guilty afterwards.

3. I would eat potato chips every day if I wasn’t afraid I’d need triple bypass surgery by age 35.

4. The only lemon-flavored confection I like is the glorious lemon bar.

5. I can’t stand the feeling of drinking orange juice with pulp. It’s like drinking orange juice with hair.

6. I still can’t believe I have a baby. I am constantly shocked by the realization of her existence.

7. I can never remember anybody’s birthday.

8. I don’t think my parents know who I really am (and I wonder if I am right about that).

9. One of my greatest fears is that Sadie will grow up and not like me. Wah.

10. I took riding lessons (horse, not motorcycle or mustache) all throughout high school. I fell off ALL THE TIME.

11. I hate reality shows but love documentaries. It’s a fine line.

12. I have always wanted to go to Egypt and visit the pyramids.

13. I experience a distinct feeling of pride whenever I can gross out and/or shock Brad with one of my jokes.

14. I used to get panic attacks when I went to the movies.

15. It is always shocking to me how much I can get done at work with just a little bit of effort. Motivation is the problem.

16. I really hate being angry. But I get angry a lot. What gives?

17. I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant (I was all about the end game), but whenever I see a pregnant lady, I get a little jealous. This will probably always happen. Damn hormones.

18. Things are rarely as bad as I always fear they will be. Unfortunately, this won’t stop me from worrying my tits off anyway.

19. Whenever I’m driving down a street that has parked cars along the side, I’m terrified someone will pop out from between the cars and I will squoosh them.

20. I can’t drink more than 2 beers at a time. I will feel hungover immediately.

21. I CAN, however, put away the wine. MMM.

22. I’d also like to allow my Inner Drunk to assert that Jack & Coke is one of the best things this world has to offer.

23. I own a gun. I don’t really know how to use it (safety first!), and am planning to get rid of it.

24. I can eat leftovers, but I cannot freeze prepared food to be eaten later. It totally grosses me out.

25. I am weird about storing food in plastic containers, because sometimes it makes the food taste like the container. I think Brad thinks I make this up BUT IT IS SO TRUE.

26. I can’t stand it when I think someone doesn’t like me or is angry with me.

27. I always knew I’d get married, but never, ever thought I’d have a kid.

28. I could never be with a guy who is shorter than me. I went on a date with a short stack once, and Internet, I felt like the fucking Jolly Green Giant.


Ho Ho Ho, You’re Shallow!

29. My skin crawls whenever someone refers to her husband as “hubby” or “the hubs.” Or the really annoying iteration I read on Facebook the other day: “hubbers.” *BARF*

30. I once witnessed a horse being castrated. GOOD MORNING!

31. I have been married for 9 years and have an infant, but the idea of having a dog still overwhelms me. Such commitment!

32. I cannot bear to step on a drain, in the shower or pool or otherwise.

33. I have absolutely terrible eyesight.

34. I can french braid, but my sister can’t. This means she always got to wear a bitchin’ french braid (courtesy of me) back in the early 90s when they were cool, but me? NARY A BRAID.

35. I can double-dutch. Fuck yes.

36. That “Emergency Broadcast System” noise scares the SHIT out of me.

37. I once kissed Brian Littrell‘s brother. He went to college with me and was in my circle of friends. Backstreet’s Back, ALRIGHT!

38. Jennifer Garner went to my high school and for a long time I was mad at her for stealing my thunder and being our high school’s one Famous Person (because there’s never more than one, really).

39. Despite trying really hard on various occasions to like it, I hate Diet Coke. I think it tastes like stale chemicals.

40. I do, however, love plain old regalah Coke.

41. Also, I hate the taste of artificial sweeteners. This is not because I am some kind of uppity food purist, it’s because I think aspartame tastes like ass (-partame). Also, aspartame gives me headaches and makes my stomach all wonky.

42. I am a good old-fashioned mutt, heritage-wise: English, Irish, German, Croatian, and Polish.

43. I had my first kiss in a Denny’s parking lot.

dennys-restaurantOddly fitting, since “Moons Over My Hammy” sounds like some disgusting sexual manuever.

42. I can’t burp, unless I’m about to puke. So if you ever see me burp, run.

43. I was raised very Catholic, but never really believed anything I was taught. I was pretty convinced I was destined for hell, until…

44. …I finally realized and accepted that hey, organized religion just isn’t my bag, baby. And I’ve been at peace with the whole thing ever since.

satanMy parents, however, are not so thrilled.

45. When I was little, I hated steak, corn, and scrambled eggs. I love all three now.

46. I get pissed off whenever people who were total assfaces to me in junior high & high school send me friend requests on Facebook. But then I friend them anyway.

47. Because I love to stalk people on Facebook.

48. Trident gum and M’n’Ms remind me of my grandmother, who always had a constant supply of both in her house.

49. I really regret not getting to know my grandmother more. She was widowed the month before my Dad was born and raised three boys all by herself. She died when I was a junior in college.

50. I hate math and numbers. I won’t even try Sudoku because it’s full of fucking numbers.

51. I kick some serious ass at crossword puzzles.

52. I believe in ghosts.

53. I believe that there are other life forms in the universe (given the size of the universe, I think it’s pretty crazy-pants to assume otherwise).

54. I love astronomy, and I took two semesters of it in college. I had to stop after that, though, because it started getting really physics-heavy and my brain does not work that way, no sir.

55. An ex-boyfriend of mine told me that he almost didn’t ask me out because of my dirty mouth.


16-year-old me says: FUCK THAT.

56. So help me, but one of the moments that totally made me fall for Brad when we were just hanging out as friends was when he made a joke about (brace thyself) fist-fucking his grandma. (Can’t wait to see the Google stats this month!)

57. Twenty-two is my lucky number, and hey look! Number 22 on this list is about Jack & Coke. I rest my case.

58. There isn’t a whole lot I won’t laugh at, because I really believe that’s the only way to cope with some of life’s most unfair and depressing shit. So if I ever get some awful disease, you best believe I’ll be making some tasteless jokes about it.

59. I can get pretty jealous. And if I ever see you flirting with my husband, I will have to seriously fight the urge to WEAR IT OUT ON YOU.

60. That being said, I am much better at handling my anger than I used to be. Heh.

61. At our wedding, Brad and I had our first dance to “To See You” by Harry Connick, Jr. Our wedding party danced to “In My Life,” by The Beatles.

62. My mother was weirdly scandalized by the fact that my wedding cake was red velvet.

63. I love office supplies.

64. I will never can my own vegetables because I am too afraid of giving my entire household botulism (Kristin, I can hear you laughing from here).

65. Although I love them to pieces, my parents and sister are all very conservative. I absolutely refuse to discuss politics with them, but this does not stop them from always trying to bring it up.

66. I loved seals when I was little, and when I was eight years old I saw a documentary on PBS about seals being clubbed for their pelts. I got so upset that I locked myself in my room and declared that I would not come out until those assholes stopped killing seals.

Baby Seal

I think I lasted two hours. Sorry, dude. I tried.

67. I really love being at home.

68. I can’t stand sweetened iced tea. I drink it plain, which probably means I can never really be a Southerner.

69. I kind of hate amusement parks. I will have a fun time once you force me to go, but the anticipation of all the crowds and rides gets me super anxious.

70. I took six years of Spanish. Ay de mi!

71. I also took a ton of art classes and am pretty damn good. I considered going to art school but theatre won out.

72. My mother has an identical twin, and when I was very little I used to get really confused when they were both around me, which made me cry.

73. Can I tell you how terrified I am about deciding to have another kid (singular) and ending up with twins? SO TERRIFIED.

74. I have never cried harder at a movie than I did at the end of “Life Is Beautiful.”

75. Sadie was almost named Gemma. I also liked the name Sparrow. My father would have never stopped rolling his eyes if we had named his granddaughter “Sparrow.”

76. I love birds.

77. For a long time, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer or a politician. Hi, I was seriously deluded about my skill set.

78. If I hadn’t been such a loser with math and chemistry and could handle gross bodily fluids and sticking things up animals’ asses, I would have totally been a veterinarian.

79. I had a falling out with my best friend in 9th grade, and she moved away to Texas before we ever got things resolved. This still really, really bothers me.

80. My first crush was a little boy in my kindergarten class who always wore red checkered shirts. His name? BRAD.

81. I hate talk radio. And I REALLY hate Ira Glass’s voice.

82. Most of my favorite music is sung by men. No idea why.

83. I’m kind of a germaphobe.

84. I didn’t go to my prom because no one asked me & I didn’t want to go alone. I was also never asked out on a date until I was a freshman in college. I am still pretty touchy about this.

85. My parents always let me drink coffee and wine.

Faux scan 019PROOF! (I am in 3rd grade here.)

86. I absolutely cannot stand the Three Stooges. I also hate Mickey Mouse, but to a lesser extent.

87. I’ve never been to Disneyland/world.

88. I love miniatures, and I have about three curio cabinets full of them.

89. From about 3rd grade until 9th grade, ALL I WANTED OUT OF LIFE (besides contact lenses) was a daybed. Don’t ask me why. I have no idea why my parents never just caved and bought me the fucking $89 white metal daybed frame so I’d shut up already.

90. I had a black leather biker jacket I wore in high school and at the beginning of college. That sucker was HEAVY. It now hangs in my closet at my parents’ house, and they are always threatening to get rid of it (I will be so pissed if they do) (and I can’t take it to my house because I have no freaking closet space).

91. I used to be a total pack-rat. I’d even keep candy wrappers if I liked the design. I broke myself of the pack-rat habit after college, but I still tend to hold on to stupid things a little more than I should.

91. I’ve always wanted wavy/curly hair.

92. I am self-conscious about my nose. I think it is too big.

93. The only times I’ve ever had to stay overnight in a hospital were 1) when I was born, and 2) when my daughter was born.

94. I cannot do a cartwheel.

95. I wish I could breakdance.

96. In high school, my favorite band was Queen.

97. The first concert I ever saw was MC Hammer in 1990. The opening acts? En Vogue and Vanilla Ice.

PRZ-007376STOP! Collaborate and SEQUINS.

98. I feel very strongly that remaining abstinent until marriage is Bad Idea Jeans. I remember thinking my mother was insane whenever she told me at age 12 that I wasn’t supposed to have sex until I was married.

99. I never saw the Star Wars movies as a kid, and I just can’t get into them. This is very hard for Brad to accept.

100. I realize exactly how blessed and lucky I am, and I take time to be thankful for it every day. No srsly, EVERY DAY.


As if I need a reminder.

And now! The announcements!

1) SOMEONE went and got herself all knocked up. WOOOO!

2) This week, I will be posting pictures of the aforementioned condom veil. And Internet, THEY ARE DOOZIES. And yes, you are welcome.


Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!.

Da Plane! Da Plane! “Who’s That Whore On The Bar?”

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Marcy  |  August 24, 2009 at 11:35 am

    OMG! I thought I was the only one who likes office supplies. A stroll though Staples is heavenly… Happy to know I am not alone : )

  • 2. HoST  |  August 24, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Um. Not sure I like the picture that is slowly being painted of me on this blog.

    Yea, it’s clear that you love me and all, but… the fist-fucking thing and Star Wars. WHO AM I?!!

    • 3. jiveturkey  |  August 24, 2009 at 12:03 pm

      HAHA! Sorry, man. I do think I need to state here that I am clearly the weird one in our relationship. Hear that, Internet? I AM THE WEIRD ONE.

      • 4. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 26, 2009 at 12:17 am

        And what about the vaginas with teeth thing? Don’t forget about that!

  • 5. Dana  |  August 24, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    okay, so #25- I TOTALLY agree with you. It tastes like the plastic… and god FORBID you microwave it.

    #39-finally words to describe my thinking…

    fist fucking grandma..? I am concerned about brad after reading this. It disturbs me.

    oh and don’t feel bad, my parents don’t know me AT ALL either.

    Good to see you for the 5 f’n seconds the other day.

    • 6. HoST  |  August 25, 2009 at 1:00 pm

      OK, Dana. First, the fist-fucking thing is taken WAY out of context here. I didn’t want to fist-fuck my or anyone’s grandma. I made a joke about the general act of someone fist-fucking his/her grandma.

      This isn’t helping at all, is it?

  • 7. Kylan  |  August 24, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Regalah coke all the way. Never saw star wars either, Beej and Brad should lament over this sometime… Little jive turkey’s pics are cuter than ever!!!

    • 8. HoST  |  August 25, 2009 at 1:01 pm

      Another point of clarification: I don’t like LOVE ‘Star Wars’ and think it’s the greatest thing ever.

      I think they’re good films that shaped film-making significantly, but I think George Lucas is a douche, and I really don’t care all that much if JT never watches the movies.

  • 9. MLE  |  August 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    I love 100 Things posts!

    Sadly, I have nothing interesting or amusing to relate, other than to thank you for posting this.

    (I’m not big on diet coke but I love Coke Zero and these days I think regular full-test coke tastes like ass unless it’s the MexiCoke made with actual sugar)

    (Also, I’m with you on the guy-shorter-than-me thing. I went on one date with a guy who was an inch or two shorter than I was and all I could think about was how enormous it made me feel. Dan is seven inches taller than I am and I wouldn’t have it any other way.)

  • 10. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  August 24, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    I, too, wanted a daybed around that same time, but never got it.

    And you were wearing your black leather jacket the first time I met you. It was at our first rehearsal for Diviners and I asked you if we could walk to the dorms together sometime and you said, “It’s a date.” Why I remember this so clearly, I have no idea.

  • 11. kristin  |  August 24, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    But was your wedding cake in the shape of an armadillo? Because THAT would have been RAD.

    P.S. You come to my house J.T. and do some canning with me (except not this year–fucking blight) and we will get you over this silly fear of poisoning.

    P.P.S. I never in my life ever imagined I would invite someone over for a CANNING DATE. And yet I have. In real life, even. And she came! Who is this weird person I’ve become?

  • 12. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  August 24, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    78. – The ass thing. That was one of the determining factors in my choice to not pursue vet-hood(?). Then the horse I used to lease started showing the symptoms of strangles (nasty horse disease) and I took his temperature without second thought. Hm.
    Daybeds fucking rock.
    I cannot do a cartwheel nor can I ride a bike. Working on the latter, though.
    75 – If you can stand to read teen fiction, check out A Great and Terrible Beauty.
    84 – This does not bode well for me.
    98 – This is kind of fucking weird, but why?

    • 13. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 26, 2009 at 12:19 am

      What does not bode well for you is #55, darling sweetheart.

  • 14. DiaryofWhy  |  August 24, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    I don’t usually comment, but I had to butt in to say that, holy WOW, I also had a pre-teen obsession with day beds, and what was that about? A white metal day bed and Tiger Beat posters covering my walls was pretty much all I dreamed of. (Also, now you know I made it at least all the way to #89, so clearly I am a devoted reader.) 🙂

  • 15. Sara  |  August 25, 2009 at 12:15 am

    So you sort of got to hear Queen live when you heard Ice Ice Baby, right? Right?! No.

    And I’m an identical twin and I’m happy about the supposed “skips a generation” thing because, man, I don’t think I’d want to have twins. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

    I’ve never done this 100 thing because my family actually reads my blog and, well, that’s why my blog isn’t as fun as yours. Can’t be that open. And I haven’t written anything on it in a few weeks. Perhaps I can update it with an “I’m sorry, I was going to post, but I could only come up with 99 things.”

  • 16. Amy  |  August 25, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Ah, too many to call out. But I’ll have you know that I was laughing so hard that Paul rushed into my office, thinking I was crying. He immediately signed up for your feeds, as well, knowing if I’M laughing that hard, the shit is funny.

    p.s. our wedding cake was reminiscent of something you would see in a Dr. Seuss book.

    p.p.s. you can have my kinky curly hair…and all my hairbrushes that have never/can never be used.

  • 17. hillary  |  August 25, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    my head melted when Amanda told me this story

    and then I felt all famous and shit

  • 18. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 26, 2009 at 12:20 am

    PLEASE take my curly hair and give me your lovely straight hair.

  • 19. Mermanda  |  August 26, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Again, there is too much to say! Where to begin?

    Let’s start where you compare me to some other blogger you used to read. Being just a wee bit vain, as all bloggers tend to be, I wanted to read this extinct blog… so I went to my good pal, the way back machine. Here’s a link to her archives: http://web.archive.org/web/20030228125738/www.hashai.com/archive/000046.html#000046

    I shall be exploring them later….

    Now on to your list:

    We have a lot in common! Like:
    2, 15, 24, 26….

    I am, however guilty of calling people’s husbands by “the hubby”…. sorry. 😛

    And I LOVE that you tried to save the seals by staying in your room. You had great heart, but bad follow through.

    And finally, I too believe in ghosts and aliens. And I have a suspicion that the aliens will make contact with us very publicly in our lifetime. So there ya go. I’m a nutcase. 🙂

  • 20. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  August 29, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Miniatures are the best thing ever. In fact, my back up plan for life, if I fail in all arenas, is to open up a shop that only sells miniature things. Also, I hate the word husband, even though I love mine, and even worse, hate all short versions of the word: hubby, hubster. Honestly, they induce vomit. If I was bulemic, I would just sit around and think about hubby, hubz and hubbster. It would bring the voms.


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