Go Away!

August 26, 2009 at 11:12 am 11 comments

Over to kdiddy’s site, specifically, because I have a guest post there today. No, really! Of course, I imagine she didn’t expect to have a post containing the phrase “rectal bleeding” on her blog, but hey, these are the surprises that keep life interesting.


Also interesting: THIS ALBUM COVER, which is what I found when I did a Creative Commons search for “welcome” images (I was going to make a joke about wearing out my welcome as a guest poster but who the fuck cares about THAT, because LOOK AT THOSE CREEPY MOTHERFUCKERS, THEIR FACES FRAMED IN A SUSPICIOUSLY VAGINAL FASHION).

(Like, seriously, what if the gynecologist looked up there and saw THAT during my annual exam? Wouldn’t that be…kind of awesome?)

Anyway. Go read! And then come back here and tell me what I should do about the friend request I got on Facebook from the woman whose kids I used to babysit, because I really don’t want to friend her and let her see all the dirty words I use on Facebook (I don’t want her thinking she used to PAY to leave her precious children with a sick-minded nutjob, although she totally did), but I feel rude ignoring her, especially because she sent me a message telling me how beautiful Sadie (my profile image) is. I mean, I’m a SUPER asshole if I ignore her now, right?

(Speaking of assholes, we have now come full circle [hee] with the rectal bleeding. GO READ!)


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

“Who’s That Whore On The Bar?” OK, I Lied. Some Of It Is Hard.

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  August 26, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    You can add her as a friend and then use the privacy controls to only let her see certain stuff. I do this for the coworkers with whom I am “friends” on FB.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  August 26, 2009 at 12:46 pm


  • 3. Marcy  |  August 26, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Just got done reading your “guest post” and LOVED IT! My cousin does the whole Christmas letter thing and we all live in the same TOWN. Nonetheless my husband and I mock the crap out of it for weeks after we get it in the mail. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving ; )

  • 4. MLE  |  August 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Only one person I know does the Christmas Letter (an aunt). It’s mostly about the antics of her extraordinarily spoiled daughter (my cousin) who I think is 17 this year and will be out of the house soon, so I wonder what she’ll write about once Beloved Cousin Eatsnothing Andlikesit is gone.

  • 5. Dana  |  August 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    You can add her and then block her from seeing your status, blog website, wall, friends, etc. You can pick and choose what she can’t see. Thats TOTALLY what I do with my mom, who is my FB friend.

  • 6. Dana  |  August 26, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    we TOTALLY got the CAT SHITTING ON THE TOILET LETTER TOO! Its been a joke/laugh in my family for years. Have you ever looked at the pictures they send and count how many pics of the cat vs. how many pics of their kids? the numbers are revealing.

    but in all honesty, JT, I totally see you talking about rectal bleeding, considering all the other stuff you talk about, and no I won’t push you down the stairs, because it would probably be funny to hear you talk about!

    • 7. jiveturkey  |  August 27, 2009 at 9:12 am

      HA! Dana, that is awesome. I cannot think/see those particular relatives without thinking THEIR CAT SHITS ON THE TOILET. I’m not even sure their damn cats are still alive at this point, but they will always be the toilet-shitting cat-people to me.

  • 8. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  August 26, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    The Facebook thing I can help with. Hover your mouse over “Settings,” click the one about privacy (Privacy Settings?), click “profile.” My brother can see almost nothing on my profile because of this gem.

  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 26, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    And also you can hide her from your news feed so you don’t have to read her posts if you don’t want to.

  • 10. Amy  |  August 26, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Jesus effing cripes! Pepsi almost came out my nose when I read your caption under the photo album.

    And, oh yes…Paul and I are very familiar with the holiday letters about how perfect everyone’s kids are, how Peggy Sue just received her 4th masters degree, and how their dog can now speak Russian.

    We usually use the paper to wipe our asses after taking a big dump.

  • 11. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  August 27, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Oh. My. Wow.

    I just choked on my Toffifay.

    Yeah, I had no idea about eye strokes.

    Also, I get one of these every year from a friend who is my age and they’re pretty weird. I have to say, I don’t really care how someone’s pet Bunny is adjusting to life with a dog in the house, etc.


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