OK, I Lied. Some Of It Is Hard.

August 28, 2009 at 9:47 am 10 comments

Sometimes I worry that I give the impression on this blog that I think having a baby is just the easiest thing in the world, and gee, my life has pretty much been able to chug along as normal since they sent me home from the hospital with a tiny, incontinent bald woman who makes inappropriate advances towards my chest with alarming regularity.



I guess it’s because I know I’ve written things like this post, where I am all SACK UP, IT’S JUST A BABY, and – although I still stand by all the things I said – I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner. A corner in which I can never express a frustration or two about parenthood without coming off like a massive hypocritical douchenozzle.


So now that I’ve called myself out on possibly coming across as a massive hypocritical douchenozzle, I am hoping you will refrain from doing so as I proceed to get some stuff off my chest.

  • Hi, I am tired. It’s not that I miss sleeping in so much, it’s that I hate how lame I am in the evening after Sadie goes to bed. After the kid is asleep, it’s supposed to be Adult Time, right? All dirty movies and hookers and booze? Well, as long as that hooker doesn’t mind rubbing my feet as I pass out after drinking half a beer ten minutes into the movie, sure, Adult Time it is.

saloon girlAlso, am I the only one who wishes hookers still dressed like this? Fancy!

  • It’s not that I CAN’T get out of the house, it’s that I kinda don’t want to. A couple weeks ago there was something fun I wanted to get out and do in the evening, and Internet, it couldn’t have been MORE do-able. The show started late enough that I’d totally be able to get all my Sadie time in and even put her to bed before I’d need to leave the house. But I didn’t go. And I don’t even really know why. I think part of it was feeling tired, but also just the thought of possibly missing out on any time with Sadie (if she woke up later that night and I wasn’t there, if she went to bed later that night and I had to leave while she was still awake) bothered me enough that I didn’t even look into getting tickets. Honestly, I think I’m a little hung up on the “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” nature of having a baby. Internet, she changes SO MUCH and SO FAST, sometimes even from one day to the next, and ever since she was born I’ve been bombarded with the comments of “It all goes so fast” from other parents, and unlike the “You’ll never eat another meal in a restaurant again” comments, I know this one is true. I can remember that first week after getting home from the hospital, my mother kept telling me to freeze Sadie’s face in my mind because by next week she’d look totally different (and of course, she did). And then I panic a little when I realize that OMG, I sort of can’t remember what it was like when we measured her age in days or weeks instead of months, and I look at pictures of her as a smooshy newborn and think “Who the hell is that?” and everything feels so totally out of my control and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! So tell me, Internet parents, does this get better? Will there come a time where I won’t always choose to spend 45 extra minutes with Sadie over doing something that doesn’t require monitoring another person’s bowel movements?

Although I suppose I can have both, if I attend the right kind of performance art.

performance art(This photo is of performance art in China. You are welcome. Also, why isn’t that my job?)

  • I’d like the Worry, with the Worry sauce, and a side of steamed Worry. Before Sadie was born, I was a champion worrier. Now that she’s here, I worry about so much that it’s easier to just tell you what I DON’T worry about:

1. The plight of the Pacific walrus;

2. Michael Phelps

phelpsI’ll let your own mother worry about you.

Alright, I think I’m done. Whew. Thank you, Internet, for letting me get that out in the open. And just so we’re clear: all of that stuff I just mentioned? Even if you multiplied the entire list by a million and added a nasty case of genital warts?


Doesn’t hold even the tiniest candle to the awesomeness of this. Nope, no way, not even by a long shot.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble, Thanksgiving.

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10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy  |  August 28, 2009 at 11:06 am

    We have a few TVs. But none of them have been used in 3 1/2 years. Rest? I’m still waiting. While some things get easier, others get harder. The Code Red meltdowns are a doozie and even the 10 Tylenol isn’t enough to recharge the batteries. It zaps you.

    The worry? Ugh…well, you’ve already heard my plight. It never ends. You’re consumed with the influence of their friends (even at 3!) and the bad grammar they pick up (I’m a stickler for the grammar), and the next undiagnosed illness.

    And there’s not enough space in your brain to be occupied by world politics and the next death of a celebrity.

    BUT BUT BUT…. wait…. then they say something so completely hilarious that you pee yourself. Or you hold them when they’re sick and know that nobody could comfort them they way you can. Or they tell you they love you – UNSOLICITED.

    All the anguish and exhaustion is worth every single second.

  • 2. kristin  |  August 28, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Well, I never want to leave the house NOW, so I don’t think that will so much be a problem. The sleep thing, though? That will be a problem, I suspect. A rather big one.

  • 3. Marcy  |  August 28, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    I am at the point where I will pay someone good money if I could just take a nap. As far as worry, well I am trying to brace myself for when the Swine Flu arrives at daycare because I just know it will.

    However, despite all the sleepness nights, worry, stress and fatigue I can’t imgaine my life with out my daughters. People have said to me so many times that it is the hardest job you will ever love and while it sounds incredibly cheesy, it is the truth.

  • 4. kdiddy  |  August 28, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    “So tell me, Internet parents, does this get better?”


    Well, the face-changing-growing-up-too-fast really does not get better. I was looking at this picture the other day: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kdiddy/3865131463/
    It’s from when we went to Idlewild a few weeks back. I was literally stunned at how not-little-kid-like he looked. Any shades of baby that he might have retained are officially gone and it’s kind of heartbreaking.
    However, I’m definitely cool with having time to myself now, especially now that he’s a full-fledged person with a mouth and a brain and shit to say, some of which leads me to say, “Dude, you’re being a total douche.” As you know, I’ve had a little TOO much time to myself this week, but at least once a month I get the urge to go out and usually follow through with it. It’s nice.

    • 5. jiveturkey  |  August 31, 2009 at 9:48 am

      HA! I love that you call him out on being a douche. That, my friend, is what I call parenting. Seriously.

      (And yeah, that picture? Wow. I do not see any baby-ness AND I AM SORRY but yeah, I can totally see the future teenager there.)


  • 6. Marilyn (MBels)  |  August 28, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Ah kids. Fun stuff. I can remember a time when I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids at home while I went out. Even now it’s rare that I get the chance to actually leave the house by myself (beyond the weekly grocery shop which my husband calls my “me-time”) and my kids are almost 3 and 10 months. You most definately will get to a point though when you’ll want that time away. But even now when I do get out I last about 2-3 hours and then I find myself wondering what they’re doing and if they miss me and…hey maybe I should head home now. The worry part? I think that last forever.

  • 7. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  August 28, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    I have no idea about most of these things, but here’s what I will say: nothing worth having is ever really easy. And those chubby cheeks are worth having. FOR REALS. Plus, you’re an awesome Mom for even thinking of these things, and that’s one thing you never have to worry about.

  • 8. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  August 28, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Well, the changing-every-day slows down a bit, but then time speeds up so it all just evens out… sigh.

    I’m not a worrier, so can’t really help you there.

    As far as being ready to leave the house and do something grown-up and miss out on 45 minutes or so with her… I am getting to the point where I can do grown-up things WITH my kids, and that totally rocks.

  • 9. SF Reader  |  August 28, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Haha! I kept reading “douchenozzle” in my head as “deutch-e-noe-zel” and I’m all “what’s that weird German word? Damn, that lady is brilliant. So many ways to say hypocrite. Who knew?”

    • 10. jiveturkey  |  August 31, 2009 at 9:49 am

      I think we have found a way for me to say douchenozzle around the baby. That way, if she repeats it in public, people will just think she’s bilingual. Brilliant.


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