Good Advice

September 9, 2009 at 3:57 pm 22 comments

I am not sure what I hate more about email forwards: the fact that they’re annoying and totally fucking useless, or the fact that – by sending them to me – the sender is assuming I will agree with and/or enjoy the contents of the forward.

kittensActually, the clip art is probably what I hate the most. I’ll give you a warm hug…AROUND YOUR NECK. See? Forwards make me want to hurt kittens. That ain’t right.

I received a forward from a family member yesterday that was pretty much the epitome of the annoying forward, and Internet, this email pissed me off so badly, if I don’t write about it here I might do something regrettable.

1985permLike get a perm. Or wear shoulder pads. Don’t let my rage manifest itself in that blazer, Internet, I beg of you.

Allow me to lay out this email point by point:

Subject line: “FW: Good Advice..” I knew I was in for a treat when I saw this, as life’s most valuable lessons are often culled from email forwards. Perhaps the forward will be able to offer some advice about how to find that missing period in the improperly used ellipses? One can hope.

Layers of email headers (To, From, etc.) I had to scroll through to get to the body of the email: Six. Not terribly impressive, but still enough to raise my blood pressure.

Completely non-related and disturbing image that began the body of the email:

image001

SERIOUSLY. WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS?

Made-up, 24pt. font word underneath the disturbing image that did not IN ANY WAY relate to the material below:

forward

RAGE.

And finally, the body of the email:

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Send this to 5 Bright Women to make their day!

Pass it on to a few “good men” too!!

Oh, INTERNET. Internet, Internet, Internet. There are not words strong enough to express how much I HATE the tired old MEN ARE STOOPID! thing. Oh, men don’t ask for directions! HAR HAR! Men are immature! HAR HAR! Men are all assholes! HAR HAR! And the checkbook thing? Gross. Look, I know this is supposed to be a funny list, but it grinds my nads to a pulp. A PULP. This shit isn’t clever, it’s annoying and sexist. I mean, would the whore who wrote this list enjoy an email about women and their PMS-ing, gold-digging, bad-driving, weak-throwing selves? No, right? BECAUSE THAT’S A STEREOTYPE, and moreover, NOT A VERY FUNNY ONE ANYWAY.

Grrrrrr.

And also, in case you forgot:

image001

THIS FORWARD IS MAKING ME REALLY HATE CATS. Wait, are those male cats? I BET THEY DIDN’T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS TO THAT IMAGINARY CAT SPA! HAR HAR HAR!

Breeeeeeeeathe, Jive Turkey.

OK, I think it is clear that I have had a touch too much caffeine today. And that is because I had a lovely latte date with Mermanda this afternoon (who I met by way of Hillary), and she is just the bee’s knees.Β  I bet she never wants to put her fiance on the moon or tells him she’s only interested in checkbooks.

Labor day 047Cannot wait to send me forwards and then watch my head explode.

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Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

THE BABY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT Cheers & Jeers: “I Hate Monday and I Hate Its Ass-Face” Edition

22 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  September 9, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    If that email had gone into my inbox I think I might have had to exercise extreme restraint so as not to brutally murder the person who sent it to me.

    Seriously, WTF?!?!?!

    Reply
  • 2. Amy  |  September 9, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    And it says “Send this to 5 Bright Women to make their day!” Um, five bright women wouldn’t find this good advice.

    The only thing worse than these pathetic joke and “10 most” e-mails, is when they are accompanied by a million emoticons. Smiley faces, and winky faces, and surprised faces, and hearts, and stars, and oh my. I HATE emoticons.

    Reply
  • 3. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 9, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    oh. my. crucifix! Those emails bug the living shit out of me. My husband’s aunt is always sending that crap to my box. Worse? I accidentally got on the email list of her umpteen email abusing elderly friends. So it gets recirculated to my inbox for the remainder of the week or until they latch onto a newer email with umpteen pictures and the annoying scroll down signs. Inevitably, they all end with Bible verses in hot pink font. I often think of sending out asshole versions of them about elderly people that abuse computers and email. I would, of course, make the clip-art snapshots of Maxine comics.

    Reply
  • 4. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 9, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Oh, Amanda, the Bible verses……RAAAAAAGE.

    Hey, JT, where’d you get that photo of me in college with my perm and my shoulder pads and my blazer?

    Reply
  • 5. hillary  |  September 9, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    Duuude. I understand. Completely. I created a spam filter specifically for my mother. Seriously.

    Reply
  • 6. Rebecca  |  September 9, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    In case you don’t watch Sarah Haskins (but we all should):
    http://current.com/items/90569059_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-doofy-husbands.htm
    I think Sarah says it all.

    Reply
    • 7. jiveturkey  |  September 10, 2009 at 9:02 am

      I looooooove Sarah Haskins. Thank you for reminding me of her. And yes, everyone needs to watch that. BRILLIANT.

      Reply
  • 8. SF Reader  |  September 9, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    In my inbox the trend is that if this type of email arrives it’s inevitably from one of my very *special* aunts. These are ladies who either don’t have long-term men in their lives as friends or as partners, or they’ve got a completely dead-beat, checked-out man shell living in their home.

    I, personally, think it’s because they are just TOO SMART for men! The men are JEALOUS of their success! And don’t know how to relate to a smart woman! And, and… won’t ask for directions! And don’t care about my day! And never laugh at my jokes! And, and, and… um… won’t pony up the checkbook!

    Reply
  • 9. kristin @ going country  |  September 10, 2009 at 7:26 am

    I never get e-mails like this. Maybe everyone I know realizes that I don’t take advice, good or not.

    Or maybe I just don’t have many friends. More likely.

    Reply
    • 10. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 10, 2009 at 6:42 pm

      I’m totally going to start forwarding these to you.

      (not really)

      Reply
  • 11. HoST  |  September 10, 2009 at 9:36 am

    JT, I just fed the baby a cheeseburger, washed your white clothes with red towels and set the house on fire. Please come help me.

    Reply
    • 12. jiveturkey  |  September 10, 2009 at 10:09 am

      Are you stuck in the blinds again?

      Reply
  • 13. Alyce  |  September 10, 2009 at 9:37 am

    Grrrrl, I totally agree with you. What’s worse is when someone I normally *like* sends me one… and them I’m like…. wtf??? I just spend a moment hoping they didn’t read it before they sent it, or that they accidentally hit the forward button while trying to save their coffee from an unfortunate accident with the cat, or maybe their e-mail has been pirated….
    Anyway.
    My boyfriend, however, actually responds to people who send those heinous forwards. Something like “I used to have respect for you, but now I see that you are just another mindless twit with no common sense. Please never ever send me one of these again, or I will block your e-mail.”
    Love that guy.

    Reply
  • 14. Marcy  |  September 10, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I think that cat spa was raided in Moon Twp. a couple months ago. See it wasn’t a “spa” at all and something about the cats being illegal aliens….

    Reply
    • 15. jiveturkey  |  September 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm

      LOL.

      Reply
  • 16. Mermanda  |  September 10, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    At my bridal shower I got some cards like “you found the perfect man.” To which I replied, “let’s not get carried away.”

    But yeah, I don’t want to put him on the moon or anything like that. Unless he promises to bring me back some cool rocks and cheese.

    Reply
  • 17. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  September 10, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you were on my Mom’s email list.

    Reply
  • 18. jean  |  September 11, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Ok, sadly, I seem to be among the few people who likes these emails. I apologize now. And you can now start sending all your forwarded emails to me.

    Reply
  • 19. Stephanie  |  September 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    My Mother sends me these all of the time. I can’t break her of it. I just hope that when she is is ready for the nursing home the dementia will have kicked in and she will have forgotten how to work a computer. (jk)… or not….

    Reply
  • 20. sweetbird  |  September 13, 2009 at 9:44 am

    I get these types of forwards regularly.

    They make me want to kill myself.

    Reply
  • 21. Nev (Balkan Girl, now Down Under)  |  September 14, 2009 at 8:22 am

    Oh Jivey, do I ever hear ya.

    To quote ‘sweetbird’ above, “they make me want to kill myself.”

    I mean…GOD, what is the friggin’ POINT? Ah, rhetorical questions! And the whole ‘if you don’t send this to 15 people in the next five minutes, your wish won’t come true’.

    Oh yeah? Well, f–k off, dumbass forward!

    I’m not a superstitious loser, first of all, and second…just GAH.

    There’s an awesomely-titled Facebook group that I really should join: “No, I Don’t Care If I Die At 12AM, I Refuse To Pass On Your Chain Letter.” πŸ˜€

    And of course then there’s the shyte along the lines of ‘if you don’t send this back to me, I’ll know I’m not one of your closest friend’.

    HAAAAATE!

    That is all.

    Reply
  • 22. Amy  |  December 10, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    My dad and his partner are the biggest culprits, followed by my ex-friend who has gone off the MLM/cult deep-end who still insists on forwarding me this crap, usually around Interational Women’s Day. Yeah. The absolute best forwarded email and most meaningful, by far, was sent to me a month or so after my mother had died and I had not had any support from aforementioned ex-friend, but she did find it within herself to forward me a wonderful and wise email about sisterhood and how women are always there for each other until the end…after our husbands leave, the children leave…blah blah blah…yeah. This, after it was my HUSBAND who was there for me through the darkest, shittiest days of my life. Not a card, not a phone call, nadda. But I got that email, and I was all better.

    Reply

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