I am not sure what I hate more about email forwards: the fact that they’re annoying and totally fucking useless, or the fact that – by sending them to me – the sender is assuming I will agree with and/or enjoy the contents of the forward.
Actually, the clip art is probably what I hate the most. I’ll give you a warm hug…AROUND YOUR NECK. See? Forwards make me want to hurt kittens. That ain’t right.
I received a forward from a family member yesterday that was pretty much the epitome of the annoying forward, and Internet, this email pissed me off so badly, if I don’t write about it here I might do something regrettable.
Like get a perm. Or wear shoulder pads. Don’t let my rage manifest itself in that blazer, Internet, I beg of you.
Allow me to lay out this email point by point:
Subject line: “FW: Good Advice..” I knew I was in for a treat when I saw this, as life’s most valuable lessons are often culled from email forwards. Perhaps the forward will be able to offer some advice about how to find that missing period in the improperly used ellipses? One can hope.
Layers of email headers (To, From, etc.) I had to scroll through to get to the body of the email: Six. Not terribly impressive, but still enough to raise my blood pressure.
Completely non-related and disturbing image that began the body of the email:
SERIOUSLY. WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS?
Made-up, 24pt. font word underneath the disturbing image that did not IN ANY WAY relate to the material below:
And finally, the body of the email:
10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Send this to 5 Bright Women to make their day!
Pass it on to a few “good men” too!!
Oh, INTERNET. Internet, Internet, Internet. There are not words strong enough to express how much I HATE the tired old MEN ARE STOOPID! thing. Oh, men don’t ask for directions! HAR HAR! Men are immature! HAR HAR! Men are all assholes! HAR HAR! And the checkbook thing? Gross. Look, I know this is supposed to be a funny list, but it grinds my nads to a pulp. A PULP. This shit isn’t clever, it’s annoying and sexist. I mean, would the whore who wrote this list enjoy an email about women and their PMS-ing, gold-digging, bad-driving, weak-throwing selves? No, right? BECAUSE THAT’S A STEREOTYPE, and moreover, NOT A VERY FUNNY ONE ANYWAY.
And also, in case you forgot:
THIS FORWARD IS MAKING ME REALLY HATE CATS. Wait, are those male cats? I BET THEY DIDN’T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS TO THAT IMAGINARY CAT SPA! HAR HAR HAR!
Breeeeeeeeathe, Jive Turkey.
OK, I think it is clear that I have had a touch too much caffeine today. And that is because I had a lovely latte date with Mermanda this afternoon (who I met by way of Hillary), and she is just the bee’s knees. I bet she never wants to put her fiance on the moon or tells him she’s only interested in checkbooks.
Cannot wait to send me forwards and then watch my head explode.
Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.