Cheers & Jeers: “I Hate Monday and I Hate Its Ass-Face” Edition

September 14, 2009 at 2:34 pm 26 comments

cheersjeers

Alternate title: I Am Pretending To Be Dead Until It Is Friday

CHEERS:

  • Sadie is feeling better! Although I didn’t get around to sharing this with you, Internet, Sadie came down with a chest cold on Thursday evening. She woke up hacking and crying a pathetic hoarse cry in the middle of the Steelers first game of the season, and FOR THE RECORD my wonderful husband – who has a STEELERS ROOM and a STEELERS TATTOO and has let me know on more than one occasion that if I was the kind of woman who would schedule our wedding to interfere with a Steelers game, I would not be marrying him – missed almost an entire quarter of said game to rock his sick little girl back to sleep.

Labor day 039I hope you understand the magnitude of this, Sadie. Let’s just say your father had better never catch you in a Patriots jersey. I do not care how cute you think Tom Brady is.

  • Sadie has started reaching out for me, and also sometimes cries when I leave the room. I will not even front and pretend like this does not make my heart nearly explode out of my ribcage, because it totally does. It’s only fair, really (see: vagina, being forcefully expelled from).
  • Yesterday morning at 7am, when Sadie was most definitely AWAKE! AWAKEAWAKEAWAKE! for the day, Brad turned to me and said, “Why don’t I take her downstairs so you can sleep in?” and I may have reacted like someone handed me ten million dollars and a pan of brownies. Brad was really on a roll this weekend, wasn’t he?
  • The pan of brownies (that wasn’t just a random reference up there) that is currently in my kitchen. More on that later, as it is a partial jeer.
  • “Dexter,” to which I have gotten totally addicted, thanks to Brad. I never thought that serial killing and/or Jimmy Smits would bring me so much joy, but here we are.

jimmy_smitsColor me Smit-ten (wah-wah).

JEERS (Because who am I kidding? This is really why I’m posting):

  • Guess who got Sadie’s cold? BOTH OF HER LOVING PARENTS.
  • Whore relatives on whore Facebook who keep posting right-wing extremist bullshit to Brad’s wall and Internet, I am about to WEAR IT OUT on a bitch. You do not get to insinuate that my husband is uneducated when you admit that Glenn Beck is where you get your news. Also, learn to spell, whore. You will not be holding my baby the next time we see you, on the off-chance that BLATANT FUCKING RACISM is contagious.*
  • That damn pan of brownies, which I CANNOT STOP EATING. See, I made the brownies to take to a friend’s house, as it was my contribution to the barbecue. HOWEVER, the brownies stuck to the pan something fierce, and trying to cut and remove them resulted in a situation that was reminiscent of one of Sadie’s diapers. So I had to scrap the idea at the last minute and stop at the ghetto Shop & Save on the way to the party, where I was forced to choose between Orange Crush cake (even grosser than it sounds, believe me), waxy-looking miniature cupcakes, and a wide variety of Entenmann’s products. Seeing as how Entenmann’s cheese danish is in my top ten of Reasons To Stay Alive, I figured their Louisiana Crunch Cake would suffice. Six dollars and four barely touched plates of cake at the bbq later, I was totally embarrassed. Seems that “Entenmann’s” comes from the Latin “entennmus,” meaning “in the manner of feces.” Seriously, Internet. That shit was GROSS. Massive dessert FAIL.**

cakeThere it is on the right. THIS IS WHY HURRICANES ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO DESTROY YOU, LOUISIANA.

  • I am 99.999% sure I have developed astigmatism, and that is just TOTALLY FUCKING RAD. Of course, I cannot get an eye appointment for several days, and then there’s the waiting for new contacts, all of which means I am in for at least two more weeks of headaches and random flashes of fear that maybe – just maybe! – I am really going blind this time.
  • I bought a bunch of shit to make salad with at the store last weekend and never got around to making salad before it got all wilted and nasty. I HATE THAT. The store needs to come replace my shit when this happens, because 1) I spend enough money there, and 2) holding a sick baby while she naps is more important than making salad, and the grocery store just needs to recognize. As does my bathroom, which needs to get up off its lazy ass and clean itself.
  • I’m still shedding thanks to this damn postpartum hair loss, and if it doesn’t ease up soon, I fear I will look like this by Christmas

raffI’m already halfway there with the dark circles under my eyes.

*Relative Who Reads This Blog: this is, of course, not about your lovely self. I know that if you were ever to present an opposing opinion, you’d do so intelligently and without resorting to threats. YOU KNOW who I’m talking about. And BITCH CRAZY.

**I put that nasty shit in the office kitchen, and it was gone within an hour. Am I working with billy goats?

billy-goat

Ma-a-a-a-a-aybe.

EDITED TO ADD: Internet, you will not believe this shit. I’m sitting here, TRYING MY HARDEST to be all healthy despite the brownie binging, and I decide to eat the huge, yummy-smelling peach I brought in my lunch. I wash it, slice it open, and find this:

0914091555a

FUCK IT. I AM HAVING A BROWNIE.

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Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

Good Advice Googlemania: I Love You Crazy Bastards

26 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  September 14, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    HoST gets major points across the board for the way he took care of you and Sadie AND for his FB posts, which I quite enjoyed. It’s just that he was speaking the truth and the truth hurts (racists).
    So go ahead on, HoST!

    Reply
  • 2. shelli  |  September 14, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    the reaching up for you? OH MY LORD. Almost as much as when you walk into a room, and they crawl to you at BREAK NECK SPEED. DO I go and scoop him up? HELL NO, I let his cute self crawl his cute little tushie on over to his Eemah and pull up on my pant legs, as I scoop up whatever ovarian mush is left on the floor, based on recent explosion of said ovaries.

    just.you.wait.

    Reply
    • 3. jiveturkey  |  September 15, 2009 at 12:04 pm

      IEEEE!

      Reply
  • 4. HoST  |  September 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    I feel like a rock star today.

    To be fair, we have TiVO so I technically didn’t MISS any of the game. But let’s face it – If it ain’t live, it just ain’t the same.

    Reply
  • 5. HoST  |  September 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    And JT, you’re lucky I have a Riff-Raff fetish.

    Reply
  • 6. Josh  |  September 14, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    Just stick that peach in with the brownies and be done with it. Also, that picture of Riff Raff caused me to have to explain why I burst out into laughter to my co-workers. I try not to have to explain my reasons for slacking at work. Let’s not let it happen again.

    Reply
  • 7. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 14, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Oh, Lordy, the political discussions on FB. I nearly had to unfriend my boyfriend because he kept getting into it with this right-wing ass-face we know, and my conflict-avoiding self just could not handle it.

    Reply
  • 8. Relative Who LOVES to Read This Blog  |  September 14, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Oh I KNOW you aren’t talking about me. 🙂
    I really don’t have an opposing opinion and honestly think it is UNAMERICAN of “CRAZY BITCH WHORE RELATIVE” to base her entire political opinion on one issue. She does need to learn to spell. She is probably someone who thinks the inner city ‘chiren’ whom I teach can’t really learn, therefore I am wasting my time. WELL THEY SPELL BETTER THAN SHE DOES!

    Did you catch her comment on my latest picture of my BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY, AMAZING, SON? Yeah, she actually had the BALLS to ridicule my parenting skills. Oh, cause HERS ARE SO MUCH BETTER… since she DOESN’T HAVE ANY KIDS. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=8702827&id=508230467&ref=mf She is an assface. I feel an angry blog of my own coming on.

    Reply
  • 9. Marcy  |  September 14, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    LOL! Love the Riff-Raff pic!

    Reply
  • 10. Nev (Balkan Girl, now Down Under)  |  September 14, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    The ‘whore relatives’ (hee!) can take a hike – what is WITH some people?! Yeesh!

    Mad props to Brad for the lovely gestures…aww!

    Hope your eyes are feeling better soon (and that you’re both over your cold).

    P.S. The picture of the goat? Soooo CUTE. He looks all…forlorn and shit. 😉

    P.P.S. The picture of Sadie with Brad? Well, it’s a given that she’s always a little cutie-patootie, and that snap is no exception. 😀

    Reply
  • 11. Sara  |  September 14, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    “Ma-a-a-a-a-aybe.” I just m-a-a-a-a-y have wet myself while reading that! And I love that picture of Sadie. Just look at that whenever you think you could possibly be mad at her for giving you that horrific cold. Actually, you have nothing to complain about. You have that adorable baby. And brownies.

    Reply
    • 12. jiveturkey  |  September 15, 2009 at 12:04 pm

      I think you meant to say “ba-a-a-a-a-aby.”

      Reply
  • 13. Amy  |  September 14, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Holy heck balls! Apparently, I need to friend you on FB because I seem to be missing something of epic proportions here. But, alas, I have 3YO and 16 month old. I barely have time to be posting this comment.

    Hang in there JT. Only 4+ more days to the weekend. Oh wait, you have a baby. There’s no such thing as a weekend…

    Reply
  • 14. kristin @ going country  |  September 15, 2009 at 8:00 am

    BOOOOOO. That is what I have to say about all your shitty jeers. Especially the peach. Very sad, that peach.

    Now, in an attempt to commiserate: I also have a cold, and the MiL baked a big chocolate cake, which so far has only been eaten by me.

    I won’t tell you how much of it is gone, because it is embarrassing.

    Today will be better. And if it isn’t? Eat the rest of the brownies. And go buy a wig, perhaps in a beehive style. That’s gotta raise your spirits, right?

    Reply
    • 15. jiveturkey  |  September 15, 2009 at 12:03 pm

      I’m sitting here wearing a beehive wig AND eating brownies, and you know what? I FEEL BLOODY FANTASTIC. You were right.

      Reply
  • 16. FoST  |  September 15, 2009 at 10:10 am

    It’s about time you got on the Dexter train! Woot Woot!

    Do you feel uncomfortable yet about how much enjoyment you get our of this show?!

    Reply
  • 17. FoST  |  September 15, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Out of this show – Damn it! Hahahaha…I have poor typing skills.

    Reply
    • 18. jiveturkey  |  September 15, 2009 at 12:03 pm

      Kind of. I find myself justifying Dexter’s behavior a little more than I probably should.

      Reply
  • 19. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 15, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    -I keep meaning to rent the first seasons of Dexter. I want to watch it badly. Oh! and the text forwards I tweeted you about, they are annoying things like, “if you don’t forward this to 13 people, an angel will have its left wing ripped off by a cranky rhinosaurus. Peace out!?” Or not. But you get the point.

    -My husband has the world’s worst astigmatism. It’s sort of creepy sometimes, but the best part about it is that if he even contemplates telling anything other than the truth his pupils begin to shake slightly. It’s like a built in lie detector, which is pretty much wasted on him because besides practical jokes and pranks, he is a teller of the truth.

    -When cleaning out my fridge last week, I found a month old bag of welted lettuce. Judge me not, yo. Still ’twas embarrassing.

    Reply
  • 20. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 15, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    welted lettuce? did I really type that? I meant wilted, but I suppose it was rather welted, too.

    Reply
    • 21. jiveturkey  |  September 16, 2009 at 9:20 am

      I think I prefer “welted lettuce.” It sounds genteel.

      I am kind of thinking you should forward me these forwards. Because I never like to miss an opportunity to maim an angel.

      Reply
  • 22. hillary  |  September 15, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Was the whore relative related by blood to you or to Brad? Because it’s waaaaay worse if my sister calls my husband ignorant than if his brother calls him ignorant. Because let’s face it, siblings are assholes to each other. Still, I think it’s awesome that you are all “momma bear” about the situation.
    Also, I am pretty sure that you should go to your grocery store and throw that peach at the customer service rep. They love that kind of thing.

    Reply
    • 23. jiveturkey  |  September 16, 2009 at 9:19 am

      Whore relative is Brad’s by blood – and not a sibling, just some random cousin who suddenly thinks she can up and insult my husband and AW HAAAAAAAYL NO. It’s somehow worse that she is not a close relative – you almost expect siblings to throw that shit around – but distant cousins? WHERE THE FUCK DOES SHE GET OFF? On Glenn Beck, apparently. Aaand…scene.

      Reply
  • 24. sweetbird  |  September 15, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    I’m going to delurk for a moment to second the peach throwing.

    Also, anyone who ever references Glenn Beck as anything but a complete fucking joke should be sterilized.

    Reply
    • 25. jiveturkey  |  September 16, 2009 at 9:17 am

      YES. YES, YES, and YES.

      Reply
  • 26. Mermanda  |  September 17, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Re: Contagious racism

    The cover story of last week’s issue of Newsweek was “IS YOUR BABY RACIST?”

    Reply

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