Googlemania: I Love You Crazy Bastards

September 16, 2009 at 11:42 am 7 comments

Yes! It’s Googlemania! The feature that everyone (or at least one of you) likes! And you know what? I’ve decided to add another regular feature [to fall back on whenever I can’t think of anything else to say because this fucking cold is taking a fucking light year to move through my system]: PAY IT FORWARD. Yes, that’s right. I’ve received such a huge response from all of you about  rage-inducing forwards that I feel I must make the time to properly mock these emails and the well-meaning (but slap-needing) friends and relatives who send them.  So, Internet: FORWARD ME YOUR FORWARDS. Give me your clip art, your lame jokes, your animated gifs! Your most certainly fabricated warnings about serial killers at the gas station yearning to breathe free! Or something like that.


And if you do not tell ten AMAZING WOMEN about this within three days, Lady Liberty will come alive and start burning baby pandas with her torch! True story! Have a blessed day!

And now, I bring you Googlemania, the feature in which I share the search terms that bring weary travelers on the Internet Superhighway to my blog, where I sometimes want to hug them and ask them what the fuck they are talking about:

pregnant perky: How cute. An oxymoron.

sexy lifetime movies: And another! I have watched more than my fair share of Lifetime movies, and unless you have a serious Meredith Baxter Birney fetish, you are barking up the wrong tree.

elysekeatonYou know what? I take that back. Alex P. Keaton’s mom has got it going on.

the cos: I’m throwing this one in here just so I can say “Dad is great; he gives us chocolate cake!”


don swayze images: This one came through yesterday and awwwww SNAP! Die all you want, Patrick – your younger brother is set for a full-on takeover of the Swayze Empire.

On a related note, please take this opportunity to enjoy my husband’s take on what is going on in heaven right now:

swayzePossibly my favorite thing EVER.

tattoos around the vagina: DO NOT WANT.

where did megan fox go for 8th grade???: Someone please tell me before I add another question mark!!!!!!1!!

jive turkey burgers: *gulp*

ice cream shower: I spent a good five minutes sitting here imagining what this would be like (verdict: cold and sticky), and have determined that this is probably some sort of sexual maneuver involving a Drumstick.


I mean, look at that cross-section. DIRTY.

should 40 year old women wear boots: Good heavens, no! In fact, we should be killing them off at age 29.

happy forehead: I have to admit I never really stopped to consider how my forehead has been feeling these days. Oh wait: probably another sex thing, right?

men are arseholes: This poor soul obviously doesn’t receive enough email forwards to cement her belief, and had to turn to Google for support. Tragic.

quotes taste my thought: Technically, all the elements of a sentence are there: subject, verb, object. Beyond that? I’m pretty sure this phrase was uttered from a futon between bites of Funyuns.

“hate the christmas shoes”: I am proud to be a resource on this.

tech support calls jive turkey: …and says “Hey, your computer will run a lot faster if you maybe remove some of the 560,987 photos of Sadie on your hard drive.”

pregnant and still f*cking: The title of my memoirs, ladies and gentlemen.

houston sex party 2009 hotel whore pics: Sorry, can’t help you there.

nudie time: This I can do.

bathEdited to protect the identities of the very sexy.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Cheers & Jeers: “I Hate Monday and I Hate Its Ass-Face” Edition Cheer & Jeer: This Is Why I’m Hot

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. HoST  |  September 16, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Oh, JT, I have those Houston sex party 2009 hotel whore pics for you.

  • 2. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 16, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I bet tattoos around the vagina are necessary for the ice cream shower. I’m just betting, though. Not certain.

  • 3. Allyson  |  September 16, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I always kind of figured Jesus had a rebel streak. Hilarious.

  • 4. Amy  |  September 16, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    So many sex deprived people, so little time.

    Now, how the hell did *I* not get the jive turkey burgers search. I’m jealous.

  • 5. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 16, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    I seriously cannot pick a favorite this time. These are…I’m just speechless.

    Also, I must now say: “Nobody puts Jesus in a corner.”

    • 6. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  April 21, 2010 at 12:15 pm

      Ashton says “Damn straight.”

  • 7. Mermanda  |  September 17, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    I know who googled “I hate christmas shoes”…

    It was Andrew’s mom!

    She really does hate that song. Which is why Andrew would like it to be their dance at our wedding. Isn’t he a nice son?


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