PAY IT FORWARD: Sisterhood of the Butterfly

September 21, 2009 at 11:20 am 16 comments

Welcome to the very first edition of “PAY IT FORWARD,” where we feature, deconstruct, and piss all over the stupid shit people forward to our inboxes. This week’s email features everyones favorite insect, the beautiful butterfly. Speaking of butterflies, remember that song “Butterfly Kisses?” Yeah, I might just hate that more than “The Christmas Shoes.”

carlisle

If you like that song, please consider that it is sung by this man. Fucker looks like a serial killer. Probably has a jar of eyelashes rolling around in the trunk of his car. Think about THAT the next time you’re subjected to this song at a wedding reception.

Today’s forward is brought to you courtesy of the lovely Hillary, who received the email from her mother in the spirit of passive aggressive “LOVE YOUR SISTER, EVEN WHEN SHE’S BEING A TOTAL DOUCHE”-ness. Ooo! An email forward with a [poorly] hidden agenda? I love it.

Let’s begin (my comments in italics):

subject

I never thought I’d say this, but I think I actually prefer the Traveling Pants.

fly1OK, so this butterfly (and all the butterflies in this forward) actually sparkle and glisten with – I don’t know – special butterfly magic or something, thanks to the fine folks at glitterfy.com. But try as I might, I could not successfully upload the butterflies in all their twinkling MySpace glory (and, honestly, I wasn’t willing to spend more than five minutes of my life trying to figure it out). ANYWAY, wouldn’t it be nice if that oh-so-lovely butterfly image above truly said it all? Alas, it did not. Let’s continue.

fly2

…subjects and verbs agree, ellipses are abused…fly3…facts are listed, Jive Turkey nods off…

fly4

Oh, NOW we’re getting somewhere. DAMN THOSE MEN! With the not doing what they’re supposed to and such!

fly5

Way to bring down the room, forward. Jesus Christ. I am now left to contemplate death and heartbreak under the PIERCING STARE of a glittering butterfly.

fly6

“A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach…” Nope, still doesn’t make any fucking sense.

fly7

Just to clarify, when you walk the lonesome valley, you will have to walk the lonesome valley alone and by yourself. Also, was anyone else reminded of Pulp Fiction at this point? I think we need a little SLJ to cleanse the palate.

samuelljackson

Aaaah. Much better.

fly8Wait…but, I thought…don’t you have to walk the lonesome valley alone when you are walking it by yourself? What kind of valley is it now? I’M SO CONFUSED. MEN AREN’T DOING WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO.

fly9That’s “extended family with vaginas,” just so we’re clear.

fly10

Who the fuck is “I”? And no, the world wouldn’t be the same without women because the fucking species would have died off, saving us all from having to read this horseshit. But, you know, nice try at introspection and whatnot.

fly11What – no incentive?

fly12That’s more like it.

So – did it work? Do you all love your sisters now? Have you forgiven all their supreme asshole moves? Are you afraid that clicking on the glitterfy link will give you a mild seizure? Then my work here is done.

Oh, and I got my reading glasses. Am just thrilled about them.

glassesNerd.

And speaking of blurry cameraphone pics…

sade

CHEEKS!

EDITED TO ADD: OK, so, that butterfly? The sparkling one in the post before this one? Is a result of my experimenting with Glitterfy.com’s upload feature HOURS AGO when I was working on this post. And now it’s just a sad, confusing, glittery little entry all on its own. I don’t have the heart to delete it, so enjoy.

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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

Things Happened!

16 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  September 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    You said “valley’s rim”.

    Reply
  • 2. kristin @ going country  |  September 21, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    No, no, no, J.T. You were referencing those bastard men with entirely too much attention to spelling. You’ll notice the original says men don’t do what they’re “suppose” to. Neither do women–when they fail to proofread their inspirational messages.

    I particularly enjoyed the part about beginning the adventure of womanhood. As if it was a voluntary thing. In fact, unless one is born a Michael and has drastic surgery to become Michelle, we’re pretty much doomed to “the adventure” in utero.

    I like your glasses. They’re stylin’.

    (HA! See? See that? I’m a woman! I supported a woman! That forward is SO TRUE, OH MY GOD.)

    (I’m going now.)

    Reply
  • 3. HoST  |  September 21, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    I just went outside and stomped on a butterfly with my big lying, cheating, abusing hammy man foot.

    Reply
  • 4. MLE  |  September 21, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    I just threw up a lot in my mouth. I stay away from anyplace that sparkles, just because the sparkling activates my vomit reflex. The sparkly butterflies, coupled with the woo-woo vagina glurge, have served to entirely remove the contents of my stomach for me.

    Hills, I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to kick your mom in the spleen for sending that to you. Bleah.

    Reply
  • 5. hillary  |  September 21, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    This post *almost* makes me glad that my mom sent me the forward.

    Also, did no one else yell “YOU LIE!” when they got to the “short and very sweet” part? IT WAS NEITHER SHORT NOR SWEET. Stupid fucking butterflies.

    Reply
  • 6. Amy  |  September 21, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    These can only be made by women and forwarded on by women. Embarrassing.

    For the first time, I just might have a little penis envy.

    Love the reading specs!!

    Reply
  • 7. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 21, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Idea: I think that a group of us should concoct an ultimate asshole forward. It will talk about things that the people that send these forwards would never want to hear about. Rim jobs instead of butterflies. Glory Holes instead of kittens.

    Then, from an anonymous email address, the forward will be sent to a large list of people that send the annoying forwards. It will even look like a real one with all of the *~*~*~*~ and shameless bullshit. It can even have a section that makes it look as if it was previously forwarded to a bunch of made up email addresses. It could also have those total skank Bratz looking glittery images middle school girls with low self-esteem use on mypsace.

    Oh my. If I had some time floating around, I would do this. I’m not sure if the fact that I would makes me happy or sad.

    Reply
  • 8. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 21, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Hillary – I DID! I was kinda surprised JT didn’t mention it, actually. Also, it’s “daughters-in-law” and “sisters-in-law.” Grrrr.

    Reply
  • 9. Nev (Balkan Girl, now Down Under)  |  September 21, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    “Fucker looks like a serial killer. Probably has a jar of eyelashes rolling around in the trunk of his car. Think about THAT the next time…”

    Bwahahahahah!

    Thank you for that. 😀

    And also, EWWW, jar of eyelashes!! What a hideous and hilarious visual.

    ::shudder::

    Takes a twisted (read: brilliant) mind to conjure up something like THAT. 😉

    I will keep an eye out for f–ked up forwards ‘going forward’, pun totally intended (ugh, I hate this used-to-death corporate catch phrase…stupid work people).

    …Oh, and glasses suit ya, Jivey!

    Reply
  • 10. Kylan  |  September 23, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I almost peed myself trying not to laugh out-loud on the bus when I read this post. F-ing butterflies!

    JT, you rock. Thank god you didn’t have a boy… Men suck. (Now forward this to every woman you know after you walk that valley alone and by yourself.)

    Reply
  • 11. Mermanda  |  September 23, 2009 at 11:07 am

    You really kicked off this feature with a bang! Love it. And by that, I mean, I hate it.

    Reply
  • 12. staciesmadness  |  September 23, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    ok, um, you’re funny. Thanks for making me laugh.

    Reply
  • 13. Googlemania! Happy Holidays Edition « Jive Turkey  |  November 23, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    […] Uh…nevermind. […]

    Reply
  • 14. Amy  |  January 7, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    I recieved this craptastic forward and only this from my supposedly dear friend after my mother died. And she sent it a month or two after my mother had died. Yeah.

    Loved your post, however.

    Reply
  • 15. Amy  |  January 7, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    BTW, Bob Carlisle is responsible for both Butterfly Kisses and that hideos Christmas Shoes. Enough said.

    Reply
  • 16. Summer of My Compromised Immune System « Jive Turkey  |  June 14, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    […] a shitty cameraphone pic, because I realized that I am wearing the same shirt I was wearing in the LAST shitty cameraphone pic I posted on this blog, and that is just sad. In other news, I would like […]

    Reply

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