September 29, 2009 at 11:46 am 17 comments

Internet, I need a vacation. Not even a real vacation – just a getaway. Just a couple days during which I do not have to wash and rinse a single Dr. Brown’s bottle or be responsible for preparing my own food, making my own bed, or wiping my own ass.


OK, I am willing to compromise on the ass-wiping part as it is just a getaway and not a full-on vacation.

We haven’t been on a real, actual, planned-in-advance vacation since March of 2007 (before I even started this blog!) when we went to England. Since then, I’ve tagged along with Brad on business trips over the weekends and went with my sister to Arizona for a couple days (and that was sadly Brad-less), but we haven’t done the actual Vacation Thing since deciding to make another person come out of my vagina. And forgoing vacation was certainly all financially responsible and shit, but man, I kind of really miss traveling.


Not missed: FLYING.

Adding to my vacation nostalgia was FoST and her husband’s return from their recent trip to Paris, and seeing/hearing their photos, videos, and stories made me want to slap Sadie in a backpack and board the next plane to The Land of Jerry Lewis.

lewisOh, France. You’re so elegant and fashionable and then…this?

Paris was actually on our itinerary when we traveled to London (we were going to take the super-speedy-go-fast train), but we wisely decided we’d be spreading ourselves too thin, and stuck with our original plan of spending three days in London and three days in the English countryside. GOT-DAMN, that trip was fun, Internet. Although I wish someone had fucking mentioned that tipping isn’t compulsory like it is here, because we would have saved some serious cash and maybe – just maybe – not looked like total fucking American maroons.

americantourists“Say, do y’all know where there’s a Pizza Hut around here?!”

Anyway, as it turns out, we have a getaway weekend planned for late October and, OH, am I excited about it. SO excited. Nevermind that said getaway is to a place* that is a mere two-hour drive from our house! Nevermind that it borders a lake that was once so polluted it caught fire! Because there will be bed-and-breakfasts and sleeping in and drinking and going to movies and visits to child-unfriendly restaurants and no nursing bras and HOLY SHIT I AM EXCITED.

Oh, and Sadie isn’t coming. Did I mention Sadie isn’t coming? And I can honestly say I am OK with that.

(Although it makes me feel a little guilty to be OK with that. And I’m sure I will have my Daniel Plainview moments throughout the weekend.)

daniel-day-lewis“I’ve abandoned my [girl]!”

(That one’s for you, FoST.)

No worries, though. Sadie will be in the capable hands of her aunt & uncle, both of whom are CRAZY about that little girl. And while we were visiting them over the weekend, Sadie’s uncle actually rocked her to sleep – a duty that has been solely Brad’s since…well, since forever. Knowing that Sadie can successfully be put to bed without the aid of her neurotic parents will definitely make getting drunk on martinis easier during our trip.


It’s been too long, old friend.

As I mentioned above, we’ll be staying at a bed and breakfast. We’ve only stayed at a B&B once before, and that was in the English countryside – The Catherine Wheel in Bibury to be exact – and it was incredible. That place was everything you’d imagine it to be: a cozy little pub nestled in a bucolic village, plenty of delicious food and beer, and innkeepers so warm and friendly I wanted them to adopt me.


That is me, pretending I’m going to buy a house in this town and subsist on scones and clotted cream for the rest of my natural life.

When we booked a room at The Catherine Wheel, I distinctly remember wondering if the place would be haunted. The rooms were housed in a building that was a converted 15th century farmhouse, for fuck’s sake. There had to be at least a ghost of a decapitated stable boy wandering around, right? But alas, we didn’t see any Carol-Anne shit go down. Although this is probably because I was so petrified of seeing something other-worldly that I never dared open my eyes once we turned out the lights at night. Oh, and there was also a fair amount of Guinness swimming through my system. If I did see a ghost, I’d probably ask it to bring me a glass of water, then make a clumsy pass at it before passing out with my shoes on.


I bet those fuckers would whisper to me too if my rack looked like that.

In searching for a B&B this time around, I had totally forgotten about my “Is it haunted?!” hang-ups, choosing instead to focus on things like whether or not the rooms had cable and which places would provide the widest variety of fresh breakfast pastries. That is, of course, until I stumbled across a B&B located in a house built in 1876, and saw the pictures of their (very lovely) rooms:


You guys. TELL ME this grainy-ass shit doesn’t look straight out of one of those ghost hunting shows on TLC. That ethereal white slipcover might as well start floating and hovering menacingly over the bed right now.


And it is common knowledge that 4-poster bed = someone will be haunting THE SHIT out of you tonight.

vineyard2This bathroom adjoins a room that used to be the nursery. Yes, I imagine it must be relaxing to soak in that gorgeous claw-footed tub under the icy glare of poor little Clara Josephine, who succumbed to cholera at the ripe old age of six.

childClara, honey, be a doll and hand me the conditioner.


This room is located at “the back of the house.” That’s B&B lingo for “Sorry, but no one will hear your muffled screams as the poltergeist shoves the draperies down your throat.”


And here we have the stairs up which I would always run at full speed, convinced that disembodied zombie hands were seconds away from grabbing my ankles.

No matter! If it all got to be too intense, I could just go down and relax in the sitting room.


Just ignore the glare coming through the windows from the tortured souls perpetually burning in the fires of hell. How about some tea?

Suffice it to say, we did not book a room at this particular establishment. Although I was kind of tempted when I read “video recorders in every room!” on their list of amenities – DIRTY! – only to find out that they meant fucking VCRs.

the ringAll the better to watch HAUNTED TAPES ON OMG.

Oh, God. Now I’ve gone and mentioned that scary fucking movie and I’m all freaked out. The first time we watched it, we were living in our one-bedroom apartment in Queens, and I was so scared afterwards, I could barely move the twenty feet from the couch to the bedroom.  That movie is FUCKED UP, Internet. OK, we need to talk about something else now.

I can’t think of anything else.

Glitter Graphics
Ah! Right. The next installment of Pay It Forward is coming soon! And it is also terrifying, but in a much more hilarious way. Thanks to everyone who has forwarded me forwards! Keep them coming! I will be putting them all to good use, including the one I received from someone yesterday with the subject line “What is Butt Dust?”, and no, I am not kidding.  I lose a few brain cells every time I see it sitting there in my Inbox.


And I really cannot spare those brain cells, as I have big plans to obliterate them later.

*Please click on that link and enjoy the most ill-advised marketing campaign ever.  Is “Feel the Lake Effect” supposed to sound so dirty? Or like a euphemism for suffering a foodborne illness? Are nice girls supposed to pretend they don’t like the Lake Effect? So many questions.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Things Happened! PAY IT FORWARD: Here, Let Me Help You With That Diet

17 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin @ going country  |  September 29, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    VACATION! WHEEE!!! Yeah, our last real, fun vacation was in 2006. And I’m pretty sure there will be none in our near future. I mean, I’m going to AZ to see my family, but I will be going by myself, and that trip is really just an excuse for my mom to take me out and buy me all the useless baby shit on offer. But at least it will be sunny!

    Oh, and we have a four-poster bed. The MiL sleeps in it. She hasn’t reported any ghosts, although our theory is that it’s because the ghosts would all be our own family members, so they won’t haunt us. But if STRANGERS ever move in . . . the ghost of Aunt Elizabeth will GET THEM, and she was apparently scary enough when she was alive.

  • 2. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  September 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    There’s only one person who can help you with your ghost questions, and that person is Chip Coffey.

  • 3. hillary  |  September 29, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    I had a witty comment composed in my head but then I saw the glittery butterfly and my brain melted. Sorry.

  • 4. Marcy  |  September 29, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Glad you’re back JT! Hope everyone is finally healthy!

  • 5. Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)  |  September 29, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Vacation time = awesome! Who knew having baby (or my my case babies) would totally mess up vacation time. I’m ashamed to admit that I was under the delusion that I would still be taking my nice yearly vacations to places like France, the Caribbean, or Hawaii. Hasn’t happened yet. We haven’t had a proper vacation since June 2006. This weekend Hubby and I are getting away for one night. The first night away from the kids since my daughter was born 50 weeks ago! OMG I am sooooo excited… Is it wrong of me to kind of like the sparkly butterfly?

  • 6. MLE  |  September 29, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    We stayed in a place kind of like that the night of our wedding. Sadly, we were so exhausted that we slept right through any haunting that may have occurred.

    It has been far too long since we went on a real trip, too, though not as long as it’s been for you! We are tentatively planning some sort of a trip for Christmas-ish of this year, depending on a whole helluva lot of factors. Like what state we’re living in and whether or not I’m knocked up. Stuff like that.

  • 7. Amy  |  September 29, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    Vacation? What’s that? I haven’t been away from my kids in 3 1/2 years. 3 1/2 years!!! I fear I’ll end up in a straight jacket if I don’t get some relief soon. It’s really sad when just going to the grocery store…alone…is considered a getaway.

    I will live vicariously through you, JT.

  • 8. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  September 30, 2009 at 12:53 am

    I kept thinking that you might slip a picture with an actual ghost in it into the photo montage. I would’ve shit my pants real big, if so.

  • 9. HoST  |  September 30, 2009 at 9:34 am

    I felt the lake effect once. Couldn’t walk for a week.

    AY OHHHHHHH!!! (Rim shot.)

  • 10. krysta  |  September 30, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    shit i’m never going to a b&b again… i never thought of them as being haunted… until now

  • 11. FoSt  |  September 30, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Thanks for the shout out, JT. And yes, you’ve abandoned your girl (child) but she won’t remember.

  • 12. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    I am going to have a nightmare starring little Clara Josephine tonight. Also, I am so looking forward to finding out about Butt Dust that I can hardly contain myself.

    About 2 1/2 years ago, my kids and I went on a trip to Estes Park CO and stayed for one night (all I could afford) at the Stanley Hotel, which is supposed to be the 2nd most haunted place in America. It’s the hotel that inspired Stephen King to write “The Shining.” We saw no ghosts, but we did steal three of their swimming pool towels, so I keep hoping that maybe some spectre came home with us and is just waiting to show itself.

    • 13. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  September 30, 2009 at 7:39 pm

      It likes to scratch on my door and walk around above my room. Seriously, I’d KILL (no pun intended? eh.) to stay in a haunted place and actually have an experience.

      • 14. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  September 30, 2009 at 10:45 pm

        Yeah, I forgot about the haunted toy truck that lived outside your room for a while. Hee!

  • 15. jiveturkey  |  October 1, 2009 at 10:02 am

    4th Reader and Daughter, you guys are scaring me, with the ASKING for haunted experiences. AAHH!

  • […] Getaway weekend approacheth! Please, immune system, fight off this damn cold by then, and do not allow any more viral interlopers. I need to be healthy to truly enjoy a weekend of drinking and sloth. […]

  • 17. Two Days, Twelve Years « Jive Turkey  |  October 26, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    […] bed (not pictured: the two other posts), which I totally didn’t realize, and – as you may recall – I am of the belief that four-poster beds = SHIT WILL BE HAUNTED, but thankfully I was far […]


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