PAY IT FORWARD: Here, Let Me Help You With That Diet
Oh, Internet. You guys have really come through for me with these forwards. I am getting some GEMS from you guys, and although it hurts my soul a little bit to have my inbox so full of subject lines that read like “FW: Fw: FW: FW: This onez for the GIRLZ!” I think we can all agree that it’s worth it. Also, Random Forwarding Family Member has really been stepping up her game lately, and I got THREE unsolicited forwards from her yesterday – one of which is so awesomely disgusting that I cannot WAIT to share it with you, but ALL IN GOOD TIME, my Internet pretties. We have a lot of material to work with in the meantime, including today’s submission from Shelli that I GUARANTEE will make you think about food in ways you never really wanted to know were possible.
This picture, however, makes me like food more. Even though I thought it was Paul Prudhomme instead of Dom DeLuise BUT WHATEVER.
The subject line for this delightful little forward is truly misleading: “A great Rosh Hashana greeting.”* Oh. OK. This should be pretty straightforward, right?
OK, sorry about that, you guys – I took that image out of context but it is FROM THE FORWARD. Yes, the very same forward that is supposed to be wishing you a happy High Holiday. I apologize if it made you secrete something bad in your pants, but I felt I needed to brace you for what we’re about to embark upon here.
Let’s begin (my comments in italics) (and sorry some of the words got cut off, but really, WORDS ARE NOT THE STARS IN THIS EMAIL. You’ll soon see what I mean):
Oh. Well that’s not so bad. Kind of pretty, actually.
Well, this is…interesting. Kind of neat, I guess, even though I don’t generally like to think about my carbs having the ability to poke me.
OH DEAR GOD.
NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE! WE WON’T BE ABLE TO HAVE AN OPEN CASKET! THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN!
(Not here, though.)
Dear Cabbage Carver: Perhaps no teeth next time? I think that might help.
Awwww. Cauliflower sheep! This is genuinely adorable. Maybe we can relax a little?
OK, I draw the line with this shit. I can handle a bread hand and a fucking sourdough roll with large teeth coming to kill me in the middle of the night, but I absolutely DRAW THE LINE at bread feet in busted-ass bread shoes. How is this my “comfortable ol’ self”?? Do people routinely run around in the shoes of a homeless vagrant during Jewish holidays? Adding to my displeasure are all the messy breadcrumbs surrounding this masterpiece. They make me feel all itchy. And those crusty (literally!) toenails? *GAG*
Startled, indeed. “OH GOD, THE BABY’S PREMATURE! Also, why are we at the beach?”
And may your uniqueness not stem from the fact that you are a decapitated potato head with empty eyes and a terrible haircut.
Say, is this an electric fe – *BZZZZZZZT*
Um. Does this make anyone else feel funny in their no-no parts?
OH HOLY FUCKING CHRIST NO.
(Also, in the world of this photo, aren’t those two disembodied eyes over there on the side? And in the water? HE’S SWIMMING IN EYES, INTERNET. I know ONE lucky lady who won’t be sleeping tonight.)
I wish this could be true, forward. But you have hurt me, and are not remotely funny.
And that – FINALLY – is the end. You made it. Congratulations. And I hope you did not vomit too much.
In the interested of full disclosure, I left out some of the more uninteresting images (a dolphin made from a banana = BORING), but even without those images, this is truly one for the books. Now I can finally delete it from my inbox so I don’t have that creepy fucking cabbage lady staring at me each morning. Stay tuned for the next installment of PAY IT FORWARD! Will we see more sparkly insects? Will more produce forever haunt our screens? Will we finally learn what Butt Dust is?
GAH! Sorry about this. Just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.
*All my Googling seems to indicate that the more widely accepted spelling of this holiday is “Rosh Hashanah,” with that extra “h” on the end. So this forward also earns bonus Awful Points for a misspelling in the subject line. Mazel Tov, forward!
Way to add to the suffering of your people. In other news, did we really need clip art of Hebrew slaves in ancient Egypt? Apparently so.
Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.