Guest Post: Crappy Halloween Costume-A-Rama!

October 5, 2009 at 3:21 pm 16 comments

[So, a couple weeks ago I started bugging my long-suffering husband to guest post for me, as he is the only person on this planet who has made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to choke and/or vomit (or choke on my own vomit, like the rockstars do). He kindly obliged, then up and got viral meningitis and was all WAH! I’ve been vomiting for 24 hours because of searing head pain! And I was all WAH! I pushed a baby out my privates! And then there was a stalemate because he was too busy being hooked up to an IV to argue with me. And then he finished up this post for your enjoyment, as the painkillers at the hospital are really top-notch. Enjoy!]

Hi Internet, my name is Brad, but you likely know me as HoST (Husband of Said Turkey). JT graciously asked me to provide a guest post on her blog, and I am quite honored. When it comes to JT’s greatness, I think her writing is surpassed only by her sweet, sweet ass. [There, that should be enough to get me laid again this year, right?]

Anyhoo, Halloween is always one of those holidays I always pretend to give a shit about. All year I tell friends how cool my costume is going to be and I make notes about movies I see that have characters who would make for interesting costumes and I hang onto stupid sunglasses or hats that should have been thrown out years ago. And when Halloween actually arrives? I usually hand out one bag of candy in pajama pants and a t-shirt. True, one year someone thought my Khalid Sheikh Mohammed getup was fantastic.

Doesn't count if it isn't on purpose.

Doesn’t count if it isn’t on purpose.

The thing is, I just never have the energy to devote to a truly awesome costume. And I don’t think one should even attempt to costume oneself for All Hallow’s Eve if one isn’t fully committed. But far too many people think they can get away with any old shoddy or distasteful costume at Halloween, and well… they’re wrong. So without further adieu, I present BRAD’S CRAPPY HALLOWEEN COSTUME-A-RAMA 2009!

First up is a little number I like to call “In Space, no one can hear your waistline scream.” This guy is obviously dressed as the later version of Kirk after he’d eaten WAY too much Vulcan pok tar.

I bet he hasn't seen the Captain's "Log" in years.

I bet he hasn’t seen the Captain’s “Log” in years.

Next we have Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m guessing this guy even smells the part.

Ladies. He’s single. And he’ll bring his own chloroform.

When dressing up for the office Halloween party, it’s important to always be sure your costume enables the entire staff to get a nice good look at your dangling nut sack. (Is “nut sack” two words or one? I can never remember.)

Lion-O? More like Lion-No Thank You.
Lion-O? More like Lion-No Thank You.

[ED. NOTE: Thundercats are BLLUUURGGH!]

I have to admit that, as I write this post, I realize that many of the costumes I’m featuring have prominently displayed male genitalia. For that, I apologize. Or you’re welcome. This guy, for instance, is dressed as a convict, right? So is the big boner part of the costume or…? Seriously, what’s the reasoning behind the erection?

Oh, I get it. He's a "hardened" criminal. No?
Oh, I get it. He’s a “hardened” criminal. No?

This next item is a group costume. At first glance, it’s fine. Very funny. A dude dressed up as Little Red Riding HOLD ON A SECOND! Is that…? Why is there…? IS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD BLEEDING FROM THE VAGINA?! I assume this means: A) The wolf… No. You know what? I’m not even going to go through my list of assumptions.

The better to eat you with? Oh no. I went there.

The better to eat you with? Oh no. I went there.

OK, this next costume has NOTHING to do with the crotch at all. It’s just a little baby dressed up as a Klansman. Cute, right? Oh, that’s a candy corn? Not cute at all then.

Kute Kandy Korn
Kute Kandy Korn

Back to the obese people dressing as heroic figures. I have to give the Flash credit for the fabricated abs. I hope it’s a tattoo and not just magic marker. The only time this guy’s moved fast was when someone told him the McRib was back.

McRib?! Ride the lightning, dude.
McRib?! Time to ride the lightning, dude.

BOY: “Hey, mom! I want to be an Asteroid for Halloween!” MOM: “OK, George W. Bush. You can be anything you want to be. Even president someday!”

The mask also doubles as a pasta strainer!
The mask also doubles as a pasta strainer!

Star Wars costumes are a perennial favorite. If you’re going to be ambitious enough to dress up as Jabba the Hutt, though, you might want to make sure the Halloween store didn’t just sell you a repurposed version of their penis costume.

Is that a la lova num botaffa in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Is that a la lova num botaffa in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

So that concludes the Costume-A-Rama for 2009. I hope JT invites me back from time to time. If not, I’ll know it’s because of my fascination with Halloween costumes that prominently display peoples’ junk.

I’ll leave you with one final image, the one I’ll be pleasuring myself to tonight and for years to come.

Spider Ham

Oh, baby. You can sling my web anytime. Wait? Is that a dude in there?! Hot.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Well, This Has Been Fun PAY IT FORWARD: Don’t Make Me Have To Hit A Bitch

16 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy  |  October 5, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    OMG. There’s two of you!? If we were friends (like real life, not internet, as they did in the olden days), I would have to walk around with a catheter and leg bag to catch the pee from laughing so hard.

    And p.s. – Halloween will never be the same for me again.

  • 2. Marcy  |  October 5, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Great post! Hope you feel better soon HoST!!!

  • 3. kristin @ going country  |  October 5, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Personally, I found that just as disturbing as the carved food photos. Fucking gross, all of it. Can’t people see what they look like in the mirror?

    P.S. Brad, I am sending you happy get-well thoughts and virtual brownies. Virtual because, uh, you live in another state, and anyway, I eat all the brownies I make, so they would never get to you. But it’s the thought that counts!

  • 4. Sara  |  October 5, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    Brad, if you have viral meningitis, I’m sure you don’t have to dress up at all to look Sheikh this year! And “Kute Kandy Korn” made me chortle. Actually chortle. But you totally missed the opportunity to call “The Flash” a better name: “The Flesh.” Clearly.

    • 5. HoST  |  October 6, 2009 at 9:10 am

      Doh! The Flesh. How did I miss it? I blame the menengitis.

  • 6. Nev (Balkan Girl, now Down Under)  |  October 6, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Holy shit!!

    Little Red Riding Hood?! Oy vey. I mean…wow. I just…have no words (such a lie :P).

    Thank GOD no one was walking past my computer when I came upon THAT photo, because who knows what sort of talk it could have incited.


    The asteroid, Jabba & Bountry Hunter ones were gold. Oh, who am I kidding, they were ALL gold. I bow down to Jivey the 2nd…!

    (So, who got the wicked sense of humour from whom? :D)

    And HoST, very glad to hear all is (relatively) well and that you’re on the mend.

    ::thumbs up::

    P.S. I’m gonna do that Dooce’s-overzealous-commenters thing now and say “OMG OMG, I’m number four, NUMBER FOUR (!), I can’t believe it!! [I’d like to thank gaaaaawd for making this possible…]”


    • 7. Nev (Balkan Girl, now Down Under)  |  October 6, 2009 at 12:30 am

      What the Dickens?! Number FIVE…? How in the–

      WELL, gee whiz, Sara, thank you for stealing the number four spot right out from under me! 😉 😀

  • 8. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 6, 2009 at 12:50 am

    Ow, my eyes! In other news, my 12-year-old son has informed me that this year he will be dressing up as Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh. (Uh, I hope he meant for Halloween.)

    • 9. HoST  |  October 6, 2009 at 9:09 am

      That. Is. Awesome. Will the costume have a working light-up man-gina?

      • 10. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 6, 2009 at 7:41 pm

        Well, this is Iowa, after all. They might kick us out of the state for that.

      • 11. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  October 6, 2009 at 8:20 pm

        I think I love you now.

  • 12. HoST  |  October 6, 2009 at 9:11 am

    Thanks for all the get well wishes, especially after this disturbing post!

  • 13. Dana  |  October 7, 2009 at 11:52 am

    *shakes head*

  • 14. FoST  |  October 7, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    I’m glad the t didn’t damage your sick sense of humor.

  • 15. FoST  |  October 7, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    hmmm..where did the word meningitis go in my last comment?

  • 16. Josh  |  October 9, 2009 at 11:43 am

    This post reminds me of all the times when I joined you in the charade of choosing a halloween costume, only to break down every year and just don one of my 15 wigs that I buy sporadically through the year.

    My reasoning for buying wigs? I could use this at halloween. But really. 15?? Can you USE all your wigs at once? HoST, don’t answer that, I know what you’re thinking, and yes….. yes…. you can, and shall….

    Also, I’m going to be your disease riddled spine for Halloween. Too soon?


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