Cheers & Jeers: I Am Actually Relieved It’s Monday Edition

October 19, 2009 at 12:38 pm 20 comments

You know how sometimes you’ll dread something for weeks and weeks, constantly visualizing the worst-case scenarios that will SURELY come about, and bemoaning each day that brings you closer to The Suck…and then it ends up being not nearly as bad as you’d feared? Yeah. That was not this weekend.


Let me first dial back the drama a bit and admit that HELL YES, things could have been MUCH WORSE, but this is Cheers & Jeers, not “Cheers & Oh Well, Count Your Blessings,” so let us say FUCK THAT and proceed.


  • The four (FOUR!) shots Sadie received at her 6-month appointment on Friday, and the subsequent Unhappy and Feverish-ness that followed…
  • …that morphed into another damn cold…
  • …that she was kind enough to share with me.
  • The 8+ hours spent driving to and from WV this weekend, and the stupid fucking truck driver that almost ran us off the road last night. Hey, I know it’s hard to stay awake between blow-joys at the truck stop, but I’d really rather not die in rural Pennsylvania unless it’s tied in with someone’s really kick-ass Rumspringa.

rumpshakerI accidentally typed “Rumpspringa” at first, which would actually be a brilliant follow-up for Wreckx-n-Effect. YOU’RE WELCOME.

  • The FAMILY DRAMA BULLSHIT we encountered over the weekend, which GEE! I am so glad to have shoved my sick baby in a car seat and dragged her ass across state lines just to be faced with such infuriating jackassery. I actually toyed with the idea of writing an entire post on this Cirque de FUCKED UP, but 1) I already have lovely friends and family to rant to about it, 2) it would likely bore you all to tears, and 3) it is – beneath all the bullshit – rather sad, and I don’t blog to discuss sad things; I blog as an outlet for my profanity-laced tirades about email forwards. Oh, and as an excuse to post cute-ass baby pictures.

october in wv 031Oh look! An excuse to post this cute-ass baby picture.

  • But I will say that if you claim you have let something go but then hold a grudge about it, bring it up at every occasion, and also give me the silent treatment, then that is a big “letting it go” FAIL.
  • Also want to share real quick-like that my baby will not 1) burn in the eternal fires of hell, 2) grow up to be a serial killer, or 3) be otherwise scarred because we have decided not to baptize her.

devilO NOES!

(I suppose buying this costume for Sadie  would be in poor taste.)

(Brad: I totally want to buy this costume for Sadie now .)

  • It was 28 degrees out this morning. I would cry, but it seems my tear ducts have frozen.
  • Also frozen: my whore basil plant. Before I got around to making the homemade pesto I have been talking about making since whore July.
  • The extra outfit for Sadie that is currently in my purse instead of in her bin at daycare, because her memory-of-a-housefly-havin’ mother totally flaked and forgot to put it in there. This all but guarantees she will have a huge, clothes-destroying diaper blowout, and her caregivers will be forced to clothe her in a onesie made out of construction paper. Add this to the fact that I kept forgetting to bring diapers and formula last week, and I can pretty much guarantee that my picture is on their corkboard next to the number for CPS.

plasticbagdress.thumbnailWonder if they make this in a 6-9 months size.


  • The non-injection portion of Sadie’s 6 month checkup, during which our 16lb, 26.5-inch long bundle of chubby cheeks was declared healthy and “the most laid-back 6-month old [the doctor had] ever seen.” Upon hearing this, Brad and I experienced the exact same thought process:
  1. PRIDE! Our daughter is the David Wooderson of 6-month-olds!
  2. CONFUSION! Surely this is not our child!
  3. PANIC! OH GOD, we are totally going to screw her up with our mountains of neuroses!
  • We’re going out for a (long overdue) dinner with FoST and husband this week, and I am looking forward to catching up, eating some yummy Thai food, and watching the World’s Most Laid Back Baby renounce her title when she realizes that hey, it’s bedtime and I AM NOT IN BED.

october in wv 069Behold cousin Abby, who learned this weekend that eating peaches can really wear a sister out.

  • Getaway weekend approacheth! Please, immune system, fight off this damn cold by then, and do not allow any more viral interlopers. I need to be healthy to truly enjoy a weekend of drinking and sloth.
  • No groceries in the house = I get to buy my lunch today = tofu from Asian place down the street = because I can never prepare tofu at home worth a damn.
  • This guy and this girl:

october in wv 008

Weathering awkward family visits since 2009


Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

PAY IT FORWARD: Oh, Mom Germ Warfare

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin @ going country  |  October 19, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Yeah, why is it so hard to make tofu well at home? Are home ranges not hot enough to sear it correctly? That’s my excuse, anyway.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 2:20 pm

      I don’t know! I seriously tried to stir fry some tofu for about 45 minutes before I gave up and accepted we would all be eating mushy-ass tofu for dinner. I even stuck it in the oven in an effort to try to get it to firm up.

  • 3. HoST  |  October 19, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Devil costume for Sadie? Yes, please!

    Also totally looking forward to dinner with FoST and HoFoST!

  • 4. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Ay-yay-yay. Can I send a message to your fam? LET. IT. GO.

    • 5. jiveturkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 4:43 pm

      I KNOW.

  • 6. Dana  |  October 19, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I vote a big YES or at least a picture of S in a devil costume. or maybe a devil horns/headband?

    I am still being bugged to death about getting E baptised. I asked dad what he wanted for c-mas and he said ‘to take E to church’. GAH!! *ROLLS EYES*
    I told him we were leaving Sunday morning so no such luck, pick another gift.

    • 7. jiveturkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 4:44 pm

      Haha! I think your Dad & my Dad have been talking.

  • 8. MLE  |  October 19, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    Tofu cooking tips, if you’re interested:

    1. Get extra firm tofu, and drain the crap out of it. Meaning sit it on towels and squeeze, squeeze out as much water as you can. Cut it up and let it sit out for a while. Seriously, you want it as dry as possible.

    2. Coat tofu with egg wash and cornstarch.

    3. Use REALLY HOT oil (like, in a wok) and cook it for a short period of time until it gets golden. Remove from oil and drain. Do not add seasonings until after tofu is cooked. Do not cook it with vegetables, because it will never get firm.

    Alternately to 3., cook it in a miniscule amount of oil in a nonstick frying pan, over medium to high heat, essentially letting it dry out and then crisp up in the pan.

    Sometimes I marinate the tofu in something tasty and then when I cook it it never gets crispy or especially firm. So I guess it depends on whether you’d rather have it flavored or have it the texture you like.

    • 9. jiveturkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 4:44 pm

      THANK YOU. I, obviously, did none of these things during my maiden voyage with tofu. Now I know.

  • 10. MLE  |  October 19, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Also, I totally want the story. Email me!

  • 11. hillary  |  October 19, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    I had my fair share of family drama this past weekend. I feel your pain, lady.

    • 12. jiveturkey  |  October 20, 2009 at 11:03 am

      Why do families have to suck sometimes?!

  • 13. shelli  |  October 19, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    FTR (for the record), REGARDLESS of whom is giving oyu shit about the baptism stuff? Simply say the following: “My family’s relationship with G-d is MY family’s relationship with G-d. not yours.”

    • 14. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 11:25 pm

      I like it.

      • 15. jiveturkey  |  October 20, 2009 at 10:58 am

        I like it too. Brad actually said something similar to my parents, and they were like “Yeah, you’re right,” but then plowed on regardless. YAY.

  • 16. Amy  |  October 19, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Imagine my mother-in-law’s disapproval when her Catholic son married a Jew. E GAD. The sky is falling. Her complete lack of tact and rude comments over the years has resulted in us not seeing/talking to them, and her son loving my parents more. Can’t see how she won that fight…

  • 17. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 19, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    Please please please please get the winged devil baby costume for Sadie! Please? Or else the dress made from Safeway bags, but of course that’s a choking hazard, so never mind.

    Also, sorry about that family drama shit. I would say “tell your family to bite me” except they’re your family and that would be rude. And I am never rude (hahahahahaha, oh, I almost pulled that one off with a straight face, hoooo-boy).

  • 18. Sara  |  October 19, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    1) Shelli is right. Say it’s between you guys and God. That’s good stuff.

    2) Sadie is so damn cute. I totally want to pinch her cheeks. Sorry, kid, but that’s what happens when you have adorable cheeks like that.

    3) Try baking the crap out of the tofu at a high temperature. It gets crispy around the edges.

  • 19. sweetbird  |  October 21, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    I thought I was the only one who couldn’t get tofu to crisp up – I’ve relegated it to applications where it’s supposed to remain mushy.

    Additionally, I wanted to send you my condolences about annoying-ass religious families. Half of my husband’s family is like that and every time we spend the holidays with them I spend most of the trip envisioning gouging my own eyes out with a salad fork. Also, I’m not going to lie to a goddamn, mean-as-hell 80 year old lady that I’m a Christian just to make her happy. F her. I don’t care. Not that that’s ever happened.

    Also, the devil costume is awesome. You could also dress her up as Wednesday and you and Brad could go as Morticia and Gomez.

  • 20. Two Days, Twelve Years « Jive Turkey  |  October 26, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    […] 26, 2009 Well, Internet, if there was an antidote to last weekend, it was definitely this […]


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