PAY IT FORWARD: Breakfast At McDonald’s
WARNING: This post is not in any way delicious, so before your mouth starts watering for hash browns and sausage biscuits and other foodstuffs that qualify as pre-exisiting conditions, let me stop you right there. Nope, no hotcakes or breakfast burritos here. In fact, the only thing this forward really has to do with McDonald’s is that it made me grimace.
This ridiculously melodramatic piece of shit comes to us courtesy of reader Alyce, and it seriously made me want to push Mayor McCheese into a grain thresher. With that, let us begin (my comments in italics).
Subject: Fwd: FW: Breakfast at McDonald’s – TISSUE ALERT!!!
It has been my experience that when people tell me something is a “tear-jerker” (or they issue a motherfucking “TISSUE ALERT”), it is all but guaranteed that I will just be annoyed, not emotionally moved. I am STILL angry about my sister forcing me to watch The Notebook – a.k.a. The Most Depressing Fucking Movie Ever: Brad, If I Ever Get That Way, Please Promise Me You’ll Push Me Down The Goddamn Stairs – because that shit was not TOUCHING, it was FUCKING UNFAIR and made me ANGRY AT LIFE. But anyway. Moving on.
OK. So, this ENTIRE FORWARD is written in, like, 36 pt. orange font on a black background, with HUUUUGE spaces in between each sentence, for what I imagine is supposed to be “dramatic effect,” but what actually results in fucking carpal tunnel syndrome from having to SCROLLSCROLLSCROLL through this GINORMOUS FUCKING FORWARD. Ugh.
Also: I have read this entire thing multiple times and still have no idea why a return is requested.
Quick fact check: This is not a good story, I am 100% sure it is totally fabricated, and there is not one single, solitary “fact” at the end (but when I share what IS at the end, you will be very concerned – as was I – that someone thought these things were “facts”).
Translation: I was totally boning my professor.
Thanks, Sociology, for making my Theatre classes look like fucking brain surgery.
This is the kind of assignment that always ends in at least one student getting mugged or being the victim of indecent exposure.
Ha. HA HA HAAAAA! Oh, Internet, this was reader Alyce’s favorite part of the forward, and I think it’s mine too. LITERALLY. I think SOMEONE really earned that college degree.
I included the fucking ACRES of blank space between each sentence here so you could fully appreciate it. I am also enjoying the slightly defensive way she qualifies the whole breakfast-at-McDonald’s thing. It’s just our way of sharing special playtime with our son, ALRIGHT? SO WHAT if I like a McGriddle every now and then?! They’re delicious!
This woman’s sentence structure is making me want to share special playtime with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Oh, and I guess this is where we’re supposed to feel suspense. Or something.
I’m pretty sure we can dial back the drama a bit, unless the McDonald’s in question is in Gaza or something. I mean, what could be so fucking bad? Someone honked up their OJ? Pooped on the floor? Wasn’t wearing pants?
O NOES! TEH HOMELESS!
So he wasn’t smiling, he was ‘smiling.’ Got it. But was he smiling
Here we go.
I’m pretty sure he was searching for you to order so he could get some fucking coffee already, but whatever.
“Good day”? Counting coins? I’m sorry – we must have started reading a Dickens novel when I wasn’t looking.
Make that Steinbeck. Of Mice and Men, anyone?
Also, I really like how this bitch fancies herself the fucking Homeless Whisperer. How the hell does she presume to know their relationship? Oh, but it gets better. OF COURSE it gets better.
In case you forgot, we are still SCROLLING.
Bitch, how do YOU know that’s all he can afford? Or that he just wanted to be warm? Or that your sentences no longer need punctuation?
…at which point the homeless dude would have been like, “Gross.”
Why, HELLO, halting pauses.
So, can someone tell me why there might have been staring? Staring at what? This woman standing in line? I also love how she calls McDonald’s a “restaurant,” and suggests that she’s somehow being all subversive by breaching the McDonald’s code of etiquette with her
the homeless men,
OMG, you guys! Who let fucking Mother Theresa in here?!
“Resting spot”? Are they migratory geese?
Thank you for your generous donation of a three dollar breakfast that will probably ensure I die traumatically of heart failure beneath a highway overpass. Just giving me the three dollars might have been nice, too. Just sayin’. Oh, and I’m allergic to eggs. But really – thanks a bundle.
God’s all, “Yeaaaah…actually, this was all you.”
…and a BJ on my birthday.”
…and then we tore into some fucking McMuffins, SON!
In other news, it really takes skill to work the word “that” into one sentence no less than three times.
Unnecessary commas, SCROLLSCROLLSCROLL, unnecessary quotation marks.
Why the slow nodding? Why not just regular-speed nodding? Jesus Christ, I hate this woman.
Wow. WHAT? Is she speaking in tongues?
I’m sure you touched everyone.
Alright. Just because you bought some homeless dudes a fucking Value Meal ONE TIME does not mean you are next in line for canonization in your tireless quest to teach the world about acceptance. I mean, honestly now: how IN THE WORLD does her lame breakfast-buying = acceptance? Are you fucking kidding me? And you know what? She didn’t even do the fucking assignment. Following directions FAIL.
But HOLD UP! Here are those “facts” I told you about!
Of course! How did angels ever work before email?
I guess there’s little chance this proverb is about terrible grammar, huh?
So that’s about it. The rest of the email is a mess of “Make a wish and send it to X people in X days,” and after recapping this MONSTER of a forward, I really do not have the energy to cut and paste the rest in all of its totally predictable glory.
Just do me a favor: if you ever see the patron saint of McFlurries up there openly weeping and buying breakfast for homeless men in your local McDonald’s, please purchase a very hot large coffee and pour it over her head. Keep your receipt; I will personally reimburse you.*
Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.