PAY IT FORWARD: Breakfast At McDonald’s

October 28, 2009 at 9:04 am 18 comments

WARNING: This post is not in any way delicious, so before your mouth starts watering for hash browns and sausage biscuits and other foodstuffs that qualify as pre-exisiting conditions, let me stop you right there. Nope, no hotcakes or breakfast burritos here. In fact, the only thing this forward really has to do with McDonald’s is that it made me grimace.

grimaceI’m hatin’ it.

This ridiculously melodramatic piece of shit comes to us courtesy of reader Alyce, and it seriously made me want to push Mayor McCheese into a grain thresher. With that, let us begin (my comments in italics).

Subject: Fwd: FW: Breakfast at McDonald’s – TISSUE ALERT!!!

It has been my experience that when people tell me something is a “tear-jerker” (or they issue a motherfucking “TISSUE ALERT”), it is all but guaranteed that I will just be annoyed, not emotionally moved. I am STILL angry about my sister forcing me to watch The Notebook – a.k.a. The Most Depressing Fucking Movie Ever: Brad, If I Ever Get That Way, Please Promise Me You’ll Push Me Down The Goddamn Stairs – because that shit was not TOUCHING, it was FUCKING UNFAIR and made me ANGRY AT LIFE. But anyway. Moving on.

return

OK. So, this ENTIRE FORWARD is written in, like, 36 pt. orange font on a black background, with HUUUUGE spaces in between each sentence, for what I imagine is supposed to be “dramatic effect,” but what actually results in fucking carpal tunnel syndrome from having to SCROLLSCROLLSCROLL through this GINORMOUS FUCKING FORWARD. Ugh.

Also: I have read this entire thing multiple times and still have no idea why a return is requested.

true story

Quick fact check: This is not a good story, I am 100% sure it is totally fabricated, and there is not one single, solitary “fact” at the end (but when I share what IS at the end, you will be very concerned – as was I – that someone thought these things were “facts”).

mother

SCROLLSCROLLSCROLL

last class

SCROLLITY-SCROLLSCROLL

teacher

Translation: I was totally boning my professor.

smile

Thanks, Sociology, for making my Theatre classes look like fucking brain surgery.

reactions

This is the kind of assignment that always ends in at least one student getting mugged or being the victim of indecent exposure.

literally

Ha. HA HA HAAAAA! Oh, Internet, this was reader Alyce’s favorite part of the forward, and I think it’s mine too. LITERALLY. I think SOMEONE really earned that college degree.

breakfast

I included the fucking ACRES of blank space between each sentence here so you could fully appreciate it. I am also enjoying the slightly defensive way she qualifies the whole breakfast-at-McDonald’s thing. It’s just our way of sharing special playtime with our son, ALRIGHT? SO WHAT if I like a McGriddle every now and then?! They’re delicious!

(Literally.)

back away

This woman’s sentence structure is making me want to share special playtime with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Oh, and I guess this is where we’re supposed to feel suspense. Or something.

panic

I’m pretty sure we can dial back the drama a bit, unless the McDonald’s in question is in Gaza or something. I mean, what could be so fucking bad? Someone honked up their OJ? Pooped on the floor? Wasn’t wearing pants?

dirty body

O NOES! TEH HOMELESS!

smiling

So he wasn’t smiling, he was ‘smiling.’ Got it. But was he smiling

LITERALLY?

god

Here we go.

I’m pretty sure he was searching for you to order so he could get some fucking coffee already, but whatever.

coins

“Good day”? Counting coins? I’m sorry – we must have started reading a Dickens novel when I wasn’t looking.

salvation

Make that Steinbeck. Of Mice and Men, anyone?

Also, I really like how this bitch fancies herself the fucking Homeless Whisperer. How the hell does she presume to know their relationship? Oh, but it gets better. OF COURSE it gets better.

tears

In case you forgot, we are still SCROLLING.

coffee

Bitch, how do YOU know that’s all he can afford? Or that he just wanted to be warm? Or that your sentences no longer need punctuation?

compulsion

…at which point the homeless dude would have been like, “Gross.”

judging

Why, HELLO, halting pauses.

So, can someone tell me why there might have been staring? Staring at what? This woman standing in line? I also love how she calls McDonald’s a “restaurant,” and suggests that she’s somehow being all subversive by breaching the McDonald’s code of etiquette with her

dramatic

proximity to

the homeless men,

literally.

tray

OMG, you guys! Who let fucking Mother Theresa in here?!

resting

“Resting spot”? Are they migratory geese?

tears

Thank you for your generous donation of a three dollar breakfast that will probably ensure I die traumatically of heart failure beneath a highway overpass. Just giving me the three dollars might have been nice, too. Just sayin’. Oh, and I’m allergic to eggs. But really – thanks a bundle.

not for you

God’s all, “Yeaaaah…actually, this was all you.”

hope

…and a BJ on my birthday.”

grace

…and then we tore into some fucking McMuffins, SON!

In other news, it really takes skill to work the word “that” into one sentence no less than three times.

project

Unnecessary commas, SCROLLSCROLLSCROLL, unnecessary quotation marks.

nod

Why the slow nodding? Why not just regular-speed nodding? Jesus Christ, I hate this woman.

heal

Wow. WHAT? Is she speaking in tongues?

touched

I’m sure you touched everyone.

Literally.

lessons

Alright. Just because you bought some homeless dudes a fucking Value Meal ONE TIME does not mean you are next in line for canonization in your tireless quest to teach the world about acceptance. I mean, honestly now: how IN THE WORLD does her lame breakfast-buying = acceptance? Are you fucking kidding me? And you know what? She didn’t even do the fucking assignment. Following directions FAIL.

But HOLD UP! Here are those “facts” I told you about!

angel

Of course! How did angels ever work before email?

wrote*BARF*

headIf you want to craft a beautiful quote, try not to say “handle” and “head” so much.

birdWhat?

I guess there’s little chance this proverb is about terrible grammar, huh?

goldOK, I’m cutting this off here, because it goes on for-fucking-EVER, and if you’ve ever read a coffee mug at a Hallmark store, you know the gist.

bit itThis is my second favorite part of the forward: “…okay, so bit it…” HA. Pretty sure they meant “so be it,” but who am I to question Our Lady of Special Sauce ?

So that’s about it. The rest of the email is a mess of “Make a wish and send it to X people in X days,” and after recapping this MONSTER of a forward, I really do not have the energy to cut and paste the rest in all of its totally predictable glory.

Just do me a favor: if you ever see the patron saint of McFlurries up there openly weeping and buying breakfast for homeless men in your local McDonald’s, please purchase a very hot large coffee and pour it over her head. Keep your receipt; I will personally reimburse you.*

mcdonald*Attorney fees not included.


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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

Two Days, Twelve Years Boo! No, Really: BOO

18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. FoST  |  October 28, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Wow….and I thought the real heroes firefighters and policemen. I stand corrected.

    Reply
  • 2. kristin  |  October 28, 2009 at 10:09 am

    I had the same reaction to “The Notebook.” That is a horrifying movie.

    Reply
  • 3. MLE  |  October 28, 2009 at 11:29 am

    I…there are no words.

    Except these three:

    WHAT THE FUCK?

    Reply
  • 4. shelli  |  October 28, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I think I just peed myself laughing.

    And here’s a link to the mental image I had of our “angel” and “saviour”

    heh

    Reply
  • 5. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  October 28, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    My biggest problem with this (other than all the obvious things) is that I’m pretty sure angels don’t fucking write, yo.

    On a serious note, this kind of ridiculous bull shit is just the basest form of manipulation. Let’s talk about how awesome I am that I bought fake eggs for homeless people and that I wasn’t scared of them. I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t issue a press release every time he raised someone from the dead.

    Christ. Literally.

    Reply
  • 6. Mermanda  |  October 28, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    So does this mean, every time I do a good deed, I should draft an obnoxious forward about angels? Sounds a little time consuming.

    Maybe I’ll just make a giant sign that says “HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT WHAT A GOOD HUMAN BEING I AM! I DON’T EVEN LOCK MY CAR DOOR WHEN I DRIVE THROUGH THE REALLY SCARY PART OF TOWN BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOD’S CREATURES!”

    Reply
  • 7. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  October 28, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    😐

    If you don’t like poetry about special boxes, you’ve got a heart of fucking steel.

    Reply
    • 8. jiveturkey  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:32 am

      Good point.

      Reply
  • 9. sweetbird  |  October 28, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    I’m interested in how an assignment could literally be a piece of cake.

    Ya see, I’ve got plenty of assignments right now…and no cake.

    Problem.

    I need to figure out this cake alchemy bullshit.

    Also, I will never, ever, ever watch The Notebook, The Time Traveler’s Wife, or any other movie like that because I am afraid I will actually try to stab myself in the eyes while I do so.

    Reply
  • 10. Amy  |  October 28, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    Oh sure, you give a homeless person food from McDonald’s and Jesus loves you. But what happens if you’re at an In-and-Out Burger?

    Reply
    • 11. jiveturkey  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:34 am

      I THINK YOU KNOW what happens at In-and-Out Burger.

      Reply
  • 12. HoST  |  October 29, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, LOVE, pickles, onions and a side of God’s ALMIGHTY GRACE!!

    Sorry. I have to go handle my head now.

    Reply
  • 13. Kerry  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    That post made me laugh so hard I almost choked and I almost peed myself. Almost.

    And the entire time my fiance was in the living room yelling, “What’s so funny? WHAT IS SO FUNNY? What is SO funny! Tell me dammit!”

    But I couldn’t cause I was crying.

    Reply
  • 14. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 30, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Question: How does something “become” deleted?

    And also, I would like to reiterate everything that everybody else said; they just beat me to it. Literally.

    Reply
  • 15. the new girl  |  November 3, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Oh, MAN.

    I needed that laugh today. I have a HORRIBLE DIRTY-BODY SMELL and cold hands and I needed some literal cake and salvation.

    Also–‘and then we tore into some fucking McMuffins SON’ made me almost pee my pants.

    Reply
  • 16. Positivity « Jive Turkey  |  November 4, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    […] and more (UGH, BEAR WITH ME) random acts of kindness in general (NOTE: this will never include buying a homeless man a Value Meal).  I am confident that putting good things out into the universe will make me feel better about […]

    Reply
  • 17. Rebecca  |  November 5, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Hahahaha! With all the self-congratulations, this is like an e-mail forward version of “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”.

    Reply
  • 18. Swistle  |  November 8, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    So I laughed until I started CRYING, actually CRYING like with my face bunched up, and then I cried until I started GAGGING, and basically I’m pretty sure my doctor would tell me to stop reading your blog.

    Reply

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