Boo! No, Really: BOO
Well, Internet, it seems that Halloween is upon us. And, as usual, I have some things to say about it.
We are going to a Halloween party tonight, and Sadie will be the only one from our family in costume, partly because she’s the only one anyone will be looking at anyway, but mostly because there was no way we were going to be able to have our shit together to come up with THREE Halloween costumes this year. She is going as an astronaut, much to the HIGHLY VISIBLE dismay of my mother and 99% of the women in my office. Seriously, if you guys have any doubts about whether or not gender stereotypes still exist, try to dress your infant daughter in any costume that is not princess-, flower-, or small woodland creature-based. Whatever. They can all go suck it, because this costume is 1) FUCKING CUTE, 2) WARM, and 3) EASY TO GET ON AND OFF.
And did I mention fucking cute? Because DAMN.
The party starts at 7pm, which is the hour currently known as The Baby’s Bedtime, a.k.a. TO BED WITH ME OR I WILL SCREEEEAAAAAM!!, and I’m relying on the distracting presence of shiny decorations and other babies to keep her happy for at least an hour or so. I wouldn’t even go to the damn party, but alas, I am only human and cannot resist the siren song of showing off my little Buzz Aldrin. Of course, I am fully prepared to hear “He’s so cute!” about twelve million fucking times, but that is why God invented wine.
Tomorrow night, we’re going to hand out candy to the adorable trick-or-treaters and occasional crack whores in the neighborhood, and then we plan to watch scary movies until I become so terrified I insist on sleeping in the car (which is to say we’ll get about 20 minutes into the first movie. I am easily frightened, if you recall). Brad is a fan of the scary movie, though, and promises he will indulge all my post-movie-viewing behavior (sleeping with the lights on, dousing all of our belongings in holy water), if I will just sack up and watch with him already. So FINE, I’m watching, but I will require generous amounts of beer & candy to weather the storm.
On a more random note, can we please stop with the stupid fucking pretentious apostrophe in “Hallowe’en?” I’m sure it is all historically-correct or whatever, but COME ON. Every time I see it spelled that way, I want to pronounce it with an abrupt pause where the apostrophe falls, a la Pauly Shore.
(Also, I don’t remember him looking so FLAMINGLY GEIGH, do you? A belly shirt, a perm, and tiny denim cut-offs? Ah, the 80s were indeed a simpler time.)
Rounding out the holiday this year are the two Halloween-themed forwards I received from my forward-happy family member. The one I got this morning is so fucking stupid I’m not even going to include any of the images, but the subject line was “Halloween Pun,” and Internet, I have no idea what it has to do with Halloween. It’s a stupid joke about two brooms, and the girl broom gets pregnant and the boy broom is all, “But we haven’t even swept together!”
ANYWAY, more than one person in the email trail that preceded the forward commented on how refreshing it was to receive a “clean” joke for once, and OH MY GOD, it’s not that I want every joke to be about blow jobs and Cleveland Steamers and cock rings, but I HATE IT when people use the word “clean” to describe any kind of entertainment. Not only is the adjective “clean” pretty much a guarantee of “ass-numbingly lame,” but it just sounds so fucking condescending and humorless. Or something. I don’t know. Where’s my Twix?
I’ll leave you with the second forward that she sent. This one arrived with the subject line “It’s that time of year again…” and I have to admit, this one really made me think. It was straightforward, heartfelt, and – dare I say it? – really sort of touching. It contained only a photo, but does it ever speak a thousand words.
Sorry, you guys.
And SHAME if you thought I was being serious and ACTUALLY HAD WARM FEELINGS for any of these ricockulous forwards that come my way.
And THANKS, family member who sent me this, for assuming I’d really like to receive this image in an email sent to MY WORK ACCOUNT.
Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.