Boo! No, Really: BOO

October 30, 2009 at 2:01 pm 17 comments

Well, Internet, it seems that Halloween is upon us. And, as usual, I have some things to say about it.

candyLet me start by telling you what A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA it is to buy your trick-or-treat candy six days in advance. I have gotten most of my nutrients this week from miniature Twix bars.

We are going to a Halloween party tonight, and Sadie will be the only one from our family in costume, partly because she’s the only one anyone will be looking at anyway, but mostly because there was no way we were going to be able to have our shit together to come up with THREE Halloween costumes this year. She is going as an astronaut, much to the HIGHLY VISIBLE dismay of my mother and 99% of the women in my office. Seriously, if you guys have any doubts about whether or not gender stereotypes still exist, try to dress your infant daughter in any costume that is not princess-, flower-, or small woodland creature-based. Whatever. They can all go suck it, because this costume is 1) FUCKING CUTE, 2) WARM, and 3) EASY TO GET ON AND OFF.


And did I mention fucking cute? Because DAMN.

The party starts at 7pm, which is the hour currently known as The Baby’s Bedtime, a.k.a. TO BED WITH ME OR I WILL SCREEEEAAAAAM!!, and I’m relying on the distracting presence of shiny decorations and other babies to keep her happy for at least an hour or so. I wouldn’t even go to the damn party, but alas, I am only human and cannot resist the siren song of showing off my little Buzz Aldrin. Of course, I am fully prepared to hear “He’s so cute!” about twelve million fucking times, but that is why God invented wine.

wineOne Buzz, hold the Aldrin.

Tomorrow night, we’re going to hand out candy to the adorable trick-or-treaters and occasional crack whores in the neighborhood, and then we plan to watch scary movies until I become so terrified I insist on sleeping in the car (which is to say we’ll get about 20 minutes into the first movie. I am easily frightened, if you recall). Brad is a fan of the scary movie, though, and promises he will indulge all my post-movie-viewing behavior (sleeping with the lights on, dousing all of our belongings in holy water), if I will just sack up and watch with him already.  So FINE, I’m watching, but I will require generous amounts of beer & candy to weather the storm.

fruit-runtsI had forgotten how good Runts were. Seriously. Pair them with a Twix, and you have a square fucking meal right there, my friends.

On a more random note, can we please stop with the stupid fucking pretentious apostrophe in “Hallowe’en?” I’m sure it is all historically-correct or whatever, but COME ON.  Every time I see it spelled that way, I want to pronounce it with an abrupt pause where the apostrophe falls, a la Pauly Shore.

shoreGoing as the WEA! -sellllllll for HalloWEE! -eeeeeeeen.

(Also, I don’t remember him looking so FLAMINGLY GEIGH, do you? A belly shirt, a perm, and tiny denim cut-offs? Ah, the 80s were indeed a simpler time.)

Rounding out the holiday this year are the two Halloween-themed forwards I received from my forward-happy family member. The one I got this morning is so fucking stupid I’m not even going to include any of the images, but the subject line was “Halloween Pun,” and Internet, I have no idea what it has to do with Halloween. It’s a stupid joke about two brooms, and the girl broom gets pregnant and the boy broom is all, “But we haven’t even swept together!”


ANYWAY, more than one person in the email trail that preceded the forward commented on how refreshing it was to receive a “clean” joke for once, and OH MY GOD, it’s not that I want every joke to be about blow jobs and Cleveland Steamers and cock rings, but I HATE IT when people use the word “clean” to describe any kind of entertainment. Not only is the adjective “clean” pretty much a guarantee of “ass-numbingly lame,” but it just sounds so fucking condescending and humorless. Or something. I don’t know. Where’s my Twix?

I’ll leave you with the second forward that she sent. This one arrived with the subject line “It’s that time of year again…” and I have to admit, this one really made me think. It was straightforward, heartfelt, and – dare I say it? – really sort of touching. It contained only a photo, but does it ever speak a thousand words.

image0011Perhaps two thousand.

Sorry, you guys.

And SHAME if you thought I was being serious and ACTUALLY HAD WARM FEELINGS for any of these ricockulous forwards that come my way.

And THANKS, family member who sent me this, for assuming I’d really like to receive this image in an email sent to MY WORK ACCOUNT.



Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

PAY IT FORWARD: Breakfast At McDonald’s Houston, We Have a Baby

17 Comments Add your own

  • 1. hillary  |  October 30, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Why do you hate Canadians and our Canadian spelling? We brought you Timbits, asshole.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  October 30, 2009 at 3:41 pm

      I KNOW! I KNOW! I hope you enjoyed my furious backpedaling on your blog. Oops.

  • 3. hillary  |  October 30, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    PS: I don’t actually think you’re an asshole. I think you’re lovely.

  • 4. hillary  |  October 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    PPS: Also, I don’t know why we spell it Hallowe’en. Probably because the Brits told us to.

  • 5. Marcy  |  October 30, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    That last picture – YIKES! I wonder how that person got all the orange paint off their arse… Wait, on second thought, I don’t want to know.

  • 6. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 30, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    What I don’t want to know is how the orange paint got ONTO her arse. Ew.

    • 7. Marcy  |  October 31, 2009 at 1:11 pm


  • 8. Amy  |  October 30, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Ah, I remember those days of dressing Haley in whatever I wanted and she couldn’t complain…because she couldn’t speak yet. It was nice.

    This week, she has changed her mind 4 times on what she wants to be. I finally said, “You can change your mind as many times as you want. Until 5pm tomorrow. Whatever you’re wearing at that point is what you’re tick-or-treating in.”

  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  October 30, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    It’s all over with here. For some reason we have Beggars’ Night on Oct. 30th and that’s when trick-or-treating occurs. And the kids have to tell a joke before they get any candy.

    • 10. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  October 31, 2009 at 3:29 pm

      Crimpity crimpity now now

  • 11. Kerry  |  October 30, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    I laughed at the broom joke and will most likely retell it because really dumb one-liners are the only jokes I can remember and actually tell correctly (How many people live in Rio? About a brazilian. You’re welcome).

    Madie is going as a frog, but she will be at Grandma’s since her bedtime is also 7pm and so mommy and daddy will be going to a PARTY. Gotta make up for beig pregnant last Hallowe’en. (Yes I did that on purpose. You’re welcome again.)

    My mom sent me that pumpkin butt picture. Thanks mom.

  • 12. Alyce  |  October 31, 2009 at 9:19 am

    omg your tiny Buzz is SO FREAKING CUTE!!

  • 13. sweetbird  |  November 1, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    I’m going to go buy some runts now.

  • 14. the new girl  |  November 3, 2009 at 2:35 pm




    Where have you been my whole life?!

    My girl (2.5) was a cow last year and a shark this year. Only one neighbor thought she was a boy and called her ‘My Little Man’ repeatedly during the candy drop.

    This is my new favorite blog.

    • 15. jiveturkey  |  November 3, 2009 at 4:19 pm

      Yay! More people who love profanity!

  • 16. Mermanda  |  November 4, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I don’t really have much to add to the discussion except that that particular photo of Pauly Shore is Andrew’s absolute FAVORITE. He even uses it as his profile picture on his old (now defunct) blog.

    That says a lot about my taste in men.

    • 17. jiveturkey  |  November 4, 2009 at 11:04 am

      HA! Well, I demand to know why he didn’t go as Pauly Shore for Halloween. Disappointing.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

Pittsburgh Bloggers


Whatchu Twitterin’, Jive Turkey?



I'm Gonna Git You, Flicka!

%d bloggers like this: