November 4, 2009 at 4:18 pm 21 comments

My apologies in advance, Internet. It’s about to get all Debbie Downer up in here.

Debbie_Downer“Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy.”

I don’t normally like to post about depressing shit on my blog, but I need an outlet today, and Facebook* doesn’t really seem like the right place to post something like “THE UNIVERSE NEEDS TO SHUT ITS ASS FACE” without creating a stir amongst friends and family**, so a blog post it is.

I also hate complaining, like, AT ALL, because I know my life is an incredibly charmed one, and I’m so thankful for everything I have. But sometimes, shit gets a Turkey down. I’ve been in a bit of a funk,  and I honestly don’t even know why. I think it’s just a compilation of a few things, namely:

  • The human race is a bunch of assholes. I’ve been totally disillusioned with people lately, thanks to stories in the news like the teenager who was FUCKING SET ON FIRE and the other teenager who was gang-raped – OMFG, Internet. What the fuck is wrong with people? I am this close to never letting Sadie out of the house again.
  • IM IN UR CUBICLE, STEELIN UR SOUL. I have a job. It is convenient, comfortable, relatively stable, and it pays the bills. I know I am incredibly lucky to have this job. However, I do not enjoy this job. It has nothing to do with my degree, but this is the area in which I have the most experience (and can make the most money doing), and therefore I’ll probably be working this type of job until I retire (if such a thing exists by then). And sometimes this makes me feel like a total sell-out at best, and a complete failure at worst.
  • You’re so vain, you probably think this funk is about you. Whenever I get all BLAH like this, I inevitably start picking at my physical appearance, which means I’m a broken record of I HATE MY CLOTHES, I HATE MY HAIR, THAT PICTURE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A TRANNY and SINCE WHEN DO I HAVE CROW’S FEET?! This is always especially enjoyable for everyone around me (sorry, Brad).
  • It’s a family affair. Family bullshit. Which does not make me feel any better about myself, since most of the bullshit is centered around the theory that I am a generally terrible person. WEEE!

These things have actually been weighing me down for several days now (I actually wrote most of the above last week), and over the past day or so I’ve been trying to come up with the cure for my funk.

ointment“The cure for my funk” should reap some interesting Google hits.

After a lot of wallowing thinking, I came to the sickeningly simple and Dr. Phil-ish conclusion that is inevitably always the answer to these kinds of things: If I want to feel better about these things, I’m going to have to start with myself.

UGH. GOD. I KNOW, I KNOW! I fucking hate how lame it all sounds.

As much as I would like to believe that I can just sit here in my terrible mood until someone shows up to solve the world’s problems and hand me a big stack of money (and a few cupcakes for good measure), I know that I’m going to have to turn things around for myself, even if it’s in painfully small (and seemingly insignificant) ways.

So let us revisit my list:

  • The human race IS a bunch of assholes, but there’s no reason I have to be one of them. Internet, I have always hated watching/reading the news. It depresses the living daylights out of me. I watch/read it anyway, because I want to know about what fucking goes on in the world, but then I take every sad story to heart and want to pitch myself over a goddamn cliff. I try to place news-reading embargoes on myself, but then I feel all socially irresponsible for doing what basically equates to sticking my fingers in my ears and chanting “LALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” So I’m going to try to strike a happy medium by, oh I don’t know, maybe NOT clicking on every breaking news link about a terrible accident on a local highway so that I can read all the gory details and then FREAK THE FUCK OUT, but still reading stories about major world events and politics and such.  And I’ve also decided that the best way for me to combat the feeling that the entire world is full of no-good cocksuckers is to make a conscious effort not to be one of them. Yeah, I know – totally obvious – and it’s not like I regularly go around stomping puppies or something, but I want to be a little more active in my non-cocksuckery.

shopActually, that sounds like a perfect name for the quaint bakery & cafe I want to open someday: The Cocksuckery.

Anyhoo, my plan for all of this relates back to a conversation Brad & I had a little while ago about religion (I think and talk a hell of a lot about religion these days, seeing as how it is the main source of tension between me & my family). Brad brought up the point that religion is how some people feel they can show their gratitude for all the good shit in their life, and that makes sense to me. I want to show the universe I’m thankful for all the things that are so very awesome and right in my life, and I feel like the best way to do that is to basically DO GOOD SHIT. This means more volunteering (which is tough with the baby and so forth, but I looked into some viable and flexible options this morning), more donating, and more (UGH, BEAR WITH ME) random acts of kindness in general (NOTE: this will never include buying a homeless man a Value Meal).  I am confident that putting good things out into the universe will make me feel better about all the nasty shit that happens in this world.

the gossWith any luck, bitch will get her shit together and stop fucking with her kids’ lives within the year. DON’T LET ME DOWN, PLAN!

Oh, also – I ran across an amazing quote the other day (oh, how I love quotes) that perfectly sums up my views on religion. I mean, to a fucking T. Behold:

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” -Marcus Aurelius

aureliusAmazing quote AND a killer weave.  Holla.

  • O HAI! I HAS OPSHUNS. So. About the job. For the most part, I have made my peace with the whole employment thing, but every now and then the self-doubt rears its ugly head, and I have to talk myself down with all the rationalizations that got me here in the first place. But! Also! The good thing about having a stable and not-so-challenging job is that it leaves plenty of time and headspace for other pursuits, and I need to concentrate a little more on that. So, you know. That’s what I’m gonna do.

sade“Other pursuit” number one.

  • STFU. Oh, the old hating on my personal appearance bullshit. I came to the earth-shattering realization the other day that 1) no one anywhere EVER wants to hear someone bitch and moan about their body/face/wardrobe, and 2) every single time I’ve heard someone bitch about their body/face/wardrobe, I thought they were 100% out of their mind, because I was totally not seeing whatever imperfections were driving them absolutely insane with self-loathing. So, enough with it. It’s a fucking waste of time, and annoying to everyone within earshot. Also? I would rather give Glenn Beck a handy-jay than have Sadie hear that kind of self-hate from me, or, worse, have her mimic it. Using Sadie as my motivation sure makes this one easier, although I still demand to know when the fuck my ass decided to shuffle off to Buffalo.

shuffleGet back here! My jeans fit all funny without you.

  • The whole fam damily. If my own personal history has taught me anything, it’s that this family junk will not ever really change, nor will it ever fully go away. So, if I may get all armchair psychologist on you once more, although I can’t control them, I can control how I react to them. This is so, so difficult, because my knee-jerk reaction to family discord is to walk around with a permanent upset stomach, but DAMMIT! I have a life to live and a baby to raise and pumpkin roll to devour, and I refuse to keep letting the same old shit ruin my day and dominate my every thought and conversation. Which means I’m going to take all reasonable steps to make amends, but I refuse to let it cast such a dark fucking shadow over everything.

Pumpkin_RollAlthough I have to admit I’d still eat this shit even with a dark shadow on it. Or if you dropped it on the floor. Of the subway.

OK, so there it is. I’m sure I will come back and read this post tomorrow and be all “OH FUCK YOU, MARY SUNSHINE,” but whatever. I’m trying.

pollyannaOh, CRAM IT, sister.

(But, you know, in a positive way.)

*Do those of you who are on Facebook ever get SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of the people whose updates are always shit like “Ate oatmeal for breakfast. Life is good!” or “Can’t wait to spend another glorious day on Earth!” without even a HINT of sarcasm? Because those kind of updates make me wish there was an FUCK THIS option to click, so I could shit a tiny bit on their sunshine. Although I suppose this would not fall under “random act of kindness.”

**I am seriously considering deleting my Facebook account because I get all hand-wringy posting anything that isn’t a photo of the baby or some neutral shit, because of all the family members on there who either do not share or violently oppose my sense of humor/point of view. I am not a fan of such a broad audience, is what I am saying, and the last fucking thing I need to do is provoke lame fucking comment wars with family. Although I will openly admit it is kind of fun passive-aggressively ruffling their feathers when I post political content.



Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!, Thanksgiving.

Houston, We Have a Baby PAY IT FORWARD: God Is Angry

21 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kdiddy  |  November 4, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    let me tell you, Debbie Downer herself would get suicidal if she had to be around me the past few weeks. especially since the source of angst in our house is job/brokeness-related, we’re sort of at a “we’ve done all that we can do, we just have to rely on other people to NOT FUCK US OVER.” and that doesn’t really help elevate the mood. sigh.

    re: pumpkin rolls. every year I want to make one of those but I resist because a) neither the husband or son would eat it (they don’t like cream cheese filling because they are fucking fascists) b) I would get weird and not share it and then c) I would have to admit to myself that I’m the kind of person who would eat an entire log-shapped baked good.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  November 4, 2009 at 5:55 pm

      Embrace the log.

  • 3. Alyce  |  November 4, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    I’m in yer blogz…. stealin’ yer quotes….

    • 4. jiveturkey  |  November 4, 2009 at 5:56 pm

      You know, I think I neglected to link to you back in the Mickey D’s post. Fixing it now – sorry about that.

  • 5. hillary  |  November 4, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    ranting about family shit is good for the soul. if you don’t rant about family shit, said shit builds up until you explode at a family event. fact.

  • 6. MLE  |  November 4, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    You know, you can totally set controls in FB that says who can see what. So you can post whatever you want and Certain People won’t be able to see it. Email me if you want more details.

    • 7. Gaby  |  November 5, 2009 at 11:22 am

      Yep, I’m with MLE here–set up your controls so that certain people can only see shiny, happy stuff, and the rest of the cool, non-judgy people can still be privy to your opinions. It’ll make your life much easier. Or, delete facebook. That’s ok, too. (See? Not judging! Huzzah!)

  • 8. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  November 4, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    OMG I TOTALLY WANT THAT DAMN PUMPKIN ROLL. I will embrace the log, oh, yes I will.

    Regarding FB – ditto what MLE said. Also, 98% of the status updates of one of my college friends are “Having a rough day today. Good to remember that I am in Jesus’ hands always.” The most rage-inducing was when she actually posted, “Mark and I are taking two of his unsaved co-workers to church with us tonight. Pray that God works through us to reveal His glory to them and bring them to salvation.” I nearly unfriended her. Oy.

    I really hope you manage to not let the family shit get to you. That is a tough one.

  • 9. shelli  |  November 5, 2009 at 12:13 am

    privacy setting, darling, privacy settings. IM me on gchat, and I’ll walk ya through it.

    hugs and vodka to you.

  • 10. Kylan  |  November 5, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Don’t let no shit get a turkey down! Remind me whenever we hang out next that I have a potentially good book for you relating to your quote!

  • 11. kristin @ going country  |  November 5, 2009 at 11:44 am

    I don’t watch the news or read anything in our local paper except the section with all the recipes and health tips and all. For the rest of it, I scan the NYT website, which tends to have less of the horrifying local child abuse/homicide/anything that makes me want to retreat to the mountains and never be in contact with people ever again. The NYT, much as I enjoy mocking it, does tend to stick to more news, less nasty drama. Therefore, more education, less depression.

    I think cupcakes are a good solution, though. Or brownies. Those work too.

  • 12. Marcy  |  November 5, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Damn, that pumpkin log looks good.

  • 13. Amy  |  November 5, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    The news is just down right depressing. All they ever report is the bad stuff. REALLY bad stuff. As much as I wanted, and felt the need to be aware, the moment of truth came one morning when I was running on the treadmill and was screaming at the TV while watching CNN. Like my heart rate wasn’t already high enough. I decided ignorance is bliss.

    That pumpkin roll wouldn’t last an hour in my house!

  • 14. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  November 5, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    OHHHHHHHHHH it’s so hard to stay positive sometimes. Especially the family b.s. That shit can infiltrate.

    Re: FB – I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care if people don’t like what they read (and as you know, a lot of people in my life don’t like what they read, me being all pro-homo…), but you’ve gotta do what feels right for you and whatever keeps those weirdos off your junk.

    • 15. jiveturkey  |  November 6, 2009 at 4:23 pm

      Yeah, that’s kind of the conclusion I came to about FB (but thanks to all of you guys for offering to school me in the ways of privacy settings). If they don’t like it, they can hide my updates. SNAP.

  • 16. Cedar Sexton  |  November 6, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Man, that post felt really autobiographical, except with better wording than my journal. Because my shit gets caught up in the emo sometimes. Anyway, I think a lot of us feel ya, sister. I’m glad for the reminder that 1) I’m not alone and 2) It’s more productive to think of ways out of the Debbie Downer than to hate myself for being down.

  • 17. sweetbird  |  November 8, 2009 at 10:02 am

    I’m going to have to agree with CFoST – say whatever the fuck you want and let them deal with it. Also, I just ignore all the friend requests from people I don’t care about. And I delete people who annoy me. It’s not like FB sends them a message saying “This person deleted you as a friend because YOU SUCK AT LIFE AND I HATE YOUR FACE.”

    It’s all very subtle.

  • 18. Swistle  |  November 8, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Lovvvvvvvvve thisssssssss. Also, that quote by the guy, GENIUS. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I am going to CROSS-STITCH THAT BITCH on something.

  • 19. Mermanda  |  November 9, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    I admire you for wanting to do more good even with the hectic life of a mom. I hope you find the best gig for you. Volunteering is most satisfying for all involved parties when you are actually making a difference… which wasn’t always the case with my last volunteer gig.

  • 20. Amy  |  December 10, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    I so get all of this. Really. (And yes, I’m aware that I must look like a stalker, probably because I’ve been um, stalking you for the last hour…sorry about that.) I keep my blog focused on a few things, positive in my own way, but not positive in The Secret sense (that shit is evil, as far as I’m concerned–have you seen the book Bright Sided yet?) Same feelings regarding family, here, too–oh, and my only sister unfriended me on FB, yes she did indeedy. And cheers to you on knocking off the self-loathing part–especially where it concerns your daughter.

    • 21. jiveturkey  |  December 11, 2009 at 10:14 am

      Amy, you are rad. Thanks for all your lovely comments.


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