Hello, Internet. Sorry for all the radio silence this week, but things were busy (but healthy!) over here at JT headquarters, what with the latest plague leaving our household. Or so I thought.
Yes, the week was going just swimmingly until about 4:40am this morning, when I awoke not with the cry of my baby, but with the cry of my stomach. I really don’t think I need to tell you what happened next. Actually, I will tell you (I mean, is this a fucking blog OR ISN’T IT?), but I will substitute the gory details with happy words.
When I woke up and realized it was way too early to actually be up for the day, I felt a distinct SPARKLING feeling in my UNICORN. I knew that if I got up and rushed to the ENCHANTED PALACE right away, I’d wake up Brad (and maybe also Sadie), and it was clear I was going to have to rely on him for the bulk of the household duties (hee) today. So I laid there, still as possible, concentrating on BEDAZZLING my CUPCAKE, trying to delay the inevitable RAINBOW of FRESHLY PICKED ORGANIC RASPBERRIES that was bound to TAP DANCE into the world.
After a record-breaking 1.5 hours of delaying the ROMANTIC SUMMER THUNDERSTORM, Brad and Sadie woke up and I was clear to DONATE PONIES TO ORPHAN CHILDREN. And oh, did I DONATE. And then I PAINTED A WATERCOLOR STILL-LIFE, before crying out to God and DROPPER-FEEDING AN ABANDONED BABY BIRD. After several more episodes of HOLDING HANDS IN THE MOVIES, Brad and Sadie left for work and daycare, and I tried to get some sleep despite the overwhelming urge to PLANT A COMMUNITY GARDEN.
Well, here I am a few hours later, and the LAUGHTER OF THE BOUNCING BABY JESUS seems to have ceased. Brad, in all his awesomeness, came by on his lunch hour to deliver some Gatorade and ginger ale that I will hopefully not see later in the LOLLIPOP FOREST. I’m most bummed out about having to keep my distance from Sadie and also having to cancel on FoST and husband, who were supposed to babysit for us tonight while we went to see a play. Nope, no theatre for me tonight, Internet. Just laying around and praying that my CARAMEL APPLE doesn’t BREED CHAMPIONSHIP SHOW DOGS and hoping that Sadie steers clear of this MAGICAL WOODLAND FAIRY that will wreak COTTON CANDY on her poor little MIMOSA.
But you’d better fucking believe I will be going as planned to the Steelers game on Sunday. I don’t care if I’ve got 300 THREAD COUNT SHEETS coming out of every GOLD-RIMMED CHAMPAGNE FLUTE on my DUCKLING. And that’s a fact.
OK, Internet. Enjoy your weekend, and hopefully I will be back and pestilence-free in a couple days. I’ve got a new installation of PAY IT FORWARD! for you, but for now, please accept my offering of Adorable Baby Photo:
Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.