Euphemism Friday

November 13, 2009 at 2:22 pm 17 comments

Hello, Internet. Sorry for all the radio silence this week, but things were busy (but healthy!) over here at JT headquarters, what with the latest plague leaving our household. Or so I thought.

andyDid Garbage Pail Kids seriously disturb anyone but me? I don’t even like looking at them now. Hello, I am 32 years old.

Yes, the week was going just swimmingly until about 4:40am this morning, when I awoke not with the cry of my baby, but with the cry of my stomach. I really don’t think I need to tell you what happened next. Actually, I will tell you (I mean, is this a fucking blog OR ISN’T IT?), but I will substitute the gory details with happy words.

MadLibsLike Mad Libs for oversharing!

When I woke up and realized it was way too early to actually be up for the day, I felt a distinct SPARKLING feeling in my UNICORN. I knew that if I got up and rushed to the ENCHANTED PALACE right away, I’d wake up Brad (and maybe also Sadie), and it was clear I was going to have to rely on him for the bulk of the household duties (hee) today. So I laid there, still as possible, concentrating on BEDAZZLING my CUPCAKE, trying to delay the inevitable RAINBOW of FRESHLY PICKED ORGANIC RASPBERRIES that was bound to TAP DANCE into the world.

berriesIs this working for you? Yeah, me neither. But it’s all you’re getting today, so ONWARD!

After a record-breaking 1.5 hours of delaying the ROMANTIC SUMMER THUNDERSTORM, Brad and Sadie woke up and I was clear to DONATE PONIES TO ORPHAN CHILDREN. And oh, did I DONATE. And then I PAINTED A WATERCOLOR STILL-LIFE, before crying out to God and DROPPER-FEEDING AN ABANDONED BABY BIRD. After several more episodes of HOLDING HANDS IN THE MOVIES, Brad and Sadie left for work and daycare, and I tried to get some sleep despite the overwhelming urge to PLANT A COMMUNITY GARDEN.

Well, here I am a few hours later, and the LAUGHTER OF THE BOUNCING BABY JESUS seems to have ceased. Brad, in all his awesomeness, came by on his lunch hour to deliver some Gatorade and ginger ale that I will hopefully not see later in the LOLLIPOP FOREST. I’m most bummed out about having to keep my distance from Sadie and also having to cancel on FoST and husband, who were supposed to babysit for us tonight while we went to see a play. Nope, no theatre for me tonight, Internet. Just laying around and praying that my CARAMEL APPLE doesn’t BREED CHAMPIONSHIP SHOW DOGS and hoping that Sadie steers clear of this MAGICAL WOODLAND FAIRY that will wreak COTTON CANDY on her poor little MIMOSA.

But you’d better fucking believe I will be going as planned to the Steelers game on Sunday. I don’t care if I’ve got 300 THREAD COUNT SHEETS coming out of every GOLD-RIMMED CHAMPAGNE FLUTE on my DUCKLING. And that’s a fact.

OK, Internet. Enjoy your weekend, and hopefully I will be back and pestilence-free in a couple days. I’ve got a new installation of PAY IT FORWARD! for you, but for now, please accept my offering of Adorable Baby Photo:

IMG_6986Cures what ails me.

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Plagued PAY IT FORWARD: Pennies From Heaven

17 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin @ going country  |  November 13, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    I am very, very sorry you were so ill. But it DID result in what may be one of the most entertaining posts of all time (yes! we all laugh at your misery!). There’s the silver lining.

    P.S. I was horrified by Garbage Pail Kids too. Whoever thought those would be just peachy for kids? Some sick bastard, that’s who.

    Reply
  • 2. HoST  |  November 13, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    This is awesome. I love it. Feel better, sweetheart.

    Reply
  • 3. Josh  |  November 13, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Just an fyi…. I loved garbage pail kids…. and would stick the stickers on my headboard of my bed and look at them before I went to sleep. Those coupled with my clown lamp and my cleveland indians penant that stared me down whilst drifting off to sleep, still to this day give me an overwhelming and constant sense of fear and dread.

    Maybe that’s why I so crazy.

    Reply
  • 4. Mermanda  |  November 13, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    I am clapping for you right now. BRILLIANT! Mad Libs style? It was perfection! Best idea you ever had.

    It was particularly good for me here :”I don’t care if I’ve got 300 THREAD COUNT SHEETS coming out of every GOLD-RIMMED CHAMPAGNE FLUTE on my DUCKLING. And that’s a fact.”

    Just…. perfect.

    Hope you are right as rain soon, darling. I think I’ll have much SHIMMY to about the SQUARE DANCE on Monday.

    Reply
  • 5. hillary  |  November 13, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    hope you are feeling better soon, lady!

    Reply
  • 6. Marcy  |  November 13, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    I really needed a good laugh today and your post almost had me on the floor! LOVED the Mad Libs!!! Feel better soon and as always, adorable pic of Sadie!

    Reply
  • 7. MLE  |  November 13, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Best post about DANCING THROUGH THE RAINDROPS evar!

    Reply
  • 8. Adlib  |  November 13, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Just stopping by to say I agree on the Garbage Pail Kids. Gross! Never liked, still don’t.

    Reply
  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  November 13, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Damn, I need to seriously step up my imagination quotient when playing MadLibs.

    Reply
  • 10. Amy  |  November 13, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    MadLibs! Good times.

    Reply
  • 11. Amy  |  November 14, 2009 at 1:52 am

    I thought I was good at Mad Libs until I read this post.

    However, I hope you feel better!

    Reply
    • 12. jiveturkey  |  November 16, 2009 at 11:29 am

      AMY! Why can I not get to your blog? Every time I click the link, I get timed out. BOO. I will keep trying.

      Reply
  • 13. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  November 14, 2009 at 3:34 am

    What the… What is…
    What is that first picture??

    Reply
  • 14. Sara  |  November 15, 2009 at 11:36 am

    I thought the Garbage Pail Kids were funny back in the day. But they’re actually pretty horrifying. And I loved Mad Libs! Especially yours. But that picture at the end is the best part of your post! Sadie is so cute. She’ll cure what ails you for sure.

    Reply
  • 15. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  November 16, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    In 6th grade, our teacher was Sister Francis. She was a mess of a teacher, so one time this kid Brent taped a garbage pail kid card to her back that said “Farting Francis”. It was the only time I ever liked garbage pail kids.

    Reply
  • 16. PAY IT FORWARD: Pennies From Heaven « Jive Turkey  |  November 18, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    […] 18, 2009 O HAI. Sorry if I made you worry that I had been eaten alive by the germs that caused BANANA SPLITS to CARTWHEEL from my CASHMERE SWEATER, but I’ve been spending a lot of time recuperating and being pissed off about the Steelers, […]

    Reply
  • 17. Year in Review « Jive Turkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    […] 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Daycare brought many a joyous virus into my world. And let us not forget the time that cream-colored ponies pranced from my warm woolen mittens. […]

    Reply

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