PAY IT FORWARD: Pennies From Heaven

November 18, 2009 at 12:44 pm 7 comments

O HAI. Sorry if I made you worry that I had been eaten alive by the germs that caused BANANA SPLITS to CARTWHEEL from my CASHMERE SWEATER, but I’ve been spending a lot of time recuperating and being pissed off about the Steelers, although I enjoyed the shit out of nachos and beer at the game – the most food I’d eaten in one sitting in three days! – although in hindsight that was…not so smart.

Oh, hindsight my ass. I knew it was dumb BEFORE and DURING, but GODDAMMIT I LOVE NACHOS.

So, before I went on my gastrointestinal journey, I received another forward from the very same relative who gave me (and in turn, YOU) the gift of Butt Dust. And with that, I present you with:

Subject: FW: A Penny…Send it back to me please…

Finally! Someone found a way to make pennies more annoying.

MAN, how I wish this forward was actually about Li’l Penny. Remember him?

AWESOME.

Oh, also – that little penny up there (the coin, not the puppet), was actually an animated gif. I mean, why not?

“Great. I lose a son, Mary Todd goes nuts, I get my fool head blown off, and now I’m in a damn forward. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR PRESERVING THE UNION AND ENDING SLAVERY. Fuckers.”

Then Grandpa said, “Give me that penny; I’m saving up for a can of soup or my blood pressure meds.”

Or sometimes to see if they really can kill someone by dropping a penny from an extreme height.

Yes, BY ALL MEANS reach your hand into that filthy puddle of expelled saliva, car oil, and dog urine and pull out that lucky penny. DO IT FOR THE ANGELS. (This message brought to you from Purell.)

Here comes the requisite “pass it on,” complete with all the different breeds of angels you’ll “receive” (via FedEx? Email? Intravenous needle?). I’m not including them all here, but I’m sure you can imagine: the third means happiness, the fourth means health, the fifth means an enlarged penis, etc., etc.

I am including the seventh angel, though, because I just love how the forward forces your hand here. The seventh angel will grant your personal wish! Which is WORLD PEACE. What? It ISN’T? Do you hate world peace or something? Yeah, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Blah blah pass it on blah. My favorite part of this is the quote at the bottom, which is yet another tired old take on Carpe Diem (which IS A CLASSIC and JUST FINE AS IT IS, can we all fucking leave it alone now?). Believe me, you do not want me to live as if I’ll die today, otherwise I will do the following things (in this order): Weep openly for 35 minutes, quit my job in a flurry of profanities, spend all my money, and eat my weight in potato chips and french onion dip. And I am telling you right now, this would not make for a pleasant tomorrow.

Although it would make for a pretty fucking awesome today NOM NOM NOM.

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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

Euphemism Friday Pinches

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin @ going country  |  November 18, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Oh man. I love potato chips and onion dip. So much that I forgive them for making me sick every time I actually eat them.

    Reply
  • 2. Amy  |  November 18, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Li’l Penny…LOL. Hey, what happens if I find a quarter?

    Reply
  • 3. MLE  |  November 18, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    OMG.

    I almost never eat potato chips anymore…but the thought of eating them with onion dip makes me drool!

    Reply
  • 4. HoST  |  November 18, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    JT, you’re totally right about living today as if it’s your last day. If it today were my last day, I’d be incredibly selfish.

    Reply
  • 5. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  November 18, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Do angels toss down coins of other denominations in other countries, or do they force-feed American pennies to the rest of the entire world?

    Reply
  • 6. Swistle  |  November 20, 2009 at 9:32 am

    ANGELS are tossing us PENNIES to improve our lives? Angels may be a little stupid.

    Reply
  • 7. Mermanda  |  December 1, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Live each day as if there will be no more cheese tomorrow. That’s my motto.

    Reply

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