Googlemania! Happy Holidays Edition

November 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm 7 comments

Why, HELLO THERE, holiday-themed blog header! You look like you were created by a wonderful husband who may be a little bit deaf after listening to his wife continually squeal over the BLINKING LIGHTS he designed. I mean, look at that shit! They’re blinking! Isn’t that cool?

Glitter Graphics

Uh…nevermind.

Anyhoo, the new header was just one great part of a generally awesome weekend (for your reference, generally awesome weekends = weekends that do not involve viruses, Gatorade, and/or begging for the sweet release of death).

MAI DEATH MACHINE: LET ME SHOW U IT.

Our Saturday morning sojourn to the flu clinic ended up being completely easy and convenient, which I absolutely did not expect. The people at the health department were organized, efficient, and friendly. We were in and out and back on the road within TEN MINUTES. The nerve! How am I supposed to find shit to blog about when people do their jobs right? Well, there was the brief awkward moment when the nurse said Sadie looked “small” for her age, and I had to dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands to stop from spouting off all her growth percentile information because what the FUCK, lady! My baby is perfect! Maybe it’s your BRAIN that’s small, BITCH!

I had kind of ingested a lot of coffee that morning.

On the way back home, we stopped at a farmer’s market and the car wash, and then walked back in our front door at late hour of TEN O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING. I guess being productive before noon is what happens when your baby gets up at 5:30am, but shit, it felt like the fucking Army up in here. There was only one way to handle that situation: laying around on our asses for the remainder of the day until our lovely friends came over for some Sadie time and delicious take-out Indian food. I haven’t had Indian food since before I had Sadie, because it was one of my randomly-chosen breastfeeding-unfriendly foods, along with orange juice. NEVERMIND that I put hot sauce and jalapeños and cayenne pepper on just about everything I eat! THE BABY MIGHT NOT LIKE CURRY!

I am also the same woman who buys unscented baby wipes and proceeds to slather her baby in scented lotion. I call it “Contradiction Parenting.” It works! Except when it doesn’t.

The welcoming of aloo matar back into my diet is just one of the changes I’ve been making lately on the road to (sigh) weaning. I still nurse her in the mornings and evenings, but my supply is down (it took a DRASTIC dip last weekend when I was dehydrated and never really came back), and honestly, she doesn’t seem all that interested or patient for it anymore. I have to admit I’m relieved in more ways that one: I can stop toting the breast pump and accoutrements to work, I can stop obsessing over caffeine and alcohol intake, I can finally put those god-awful nursing bras away. It does make me a little sad to realize that yes, my teeny-tiny boob-dependent infant is no more, but I’m glad to see a decrease in her “GIMME YER CANS, WOMAN” behavior so that this whole process can be as smooth as possible.

Of course, after I spent an evening ingesting spicy Indian food and wine, she randomly woke up at midnight to nurse. This plan is working out perfectly!

Sunday was another contradiction: the HORRIFIC EMBARRASSING AWFULNESS of another Steelers’ loss, followed by the total fucking awesomeness of a night out at the theatre with Brad. The less said about the Steelers the better, so let’s concentrate on the part of the day that involved a pre-show bourbon on the rocks (THANK YOU, WEANING) and a near-perfect production of The Little Foxes.

Come on. I wouldn’t be true to my theatre geek roots if I didn’t find SOME kind of problem with the production. In this case, the actress playing Alexandra TOTALLY missed the mark in delivering the chilling final line of the play, I mean GOD! Now who wants to do some vocal warm-ups?

And that brings us to today, the start of a glorious three-day week and the official beginning of the holiday season: that magnificent time of year when we all come together to share peace, goodwill, and disturbing family dysfunction.

Joy to the world, you’re out of the will!

And it is in this spirit that I offer up a humble Googlemania for your holiday consumption. This one contains a special holiday wish at the end! (Although it may leave you with the distinct urge to take a hot shower!)

  • ass beach string: Remind me to tell you guys about the time I found an ass string on the beach. SPOILER ALERT: I had to go on antibiotics for a few weeks afterwards.
  • real sex dolls: None of those FAKE sex dolls, I’m talking real sex dolls. The kind with the lipstick painted right on the plastic!
  • christmas shoes song hate: Hello, kindred spirits.
  • lady liberty fetish: Yikes. Is this like the lady who married the Eiffel Tower? If so, add the Statue of Liberty to the list of places you shouldn’t go without a generous stash of Clorox wipes.
  • big ass thags: So, Urban Dictionary tells me that a “thag” is “one who embodies qualities of a thug, while looking like a pretty boy sissy,” but I maintain that – as The Far Side taught me many years ago – it is a common caveman name.

They kind of look like they might have big asses, right?

  • am pising: Then you probably shouldn’t be Googling.
  • polish big asses: Well, yeah. They are the people who brought us pierogis and haluski.
  • did god invent turkeys: Nah, you’re thinking of Billy Mays. God invented OxyClean.
  • babybel cheese meaning: Yes, it’s cheese, but WHAT DOES IT MEEEEAAAAN?!?!
  • big turkish ass trailer movie: I can’t really wrap my mind around this one, except to say that my blog seems to attract people looking for information about all things BIG ASSED, and that makes me sort of proud.

And now, as promised, my special holiday wish to you:

  • happy taintsgiving

SHE knows what I’m talkin’ about.


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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Pinches Oh, Right: THANKSGIVING

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. HoST  |  November 23, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Man, that new blog header looks pretty freakin’ sweet. I hope the blinking lights I created for you doesn’t set someone off into a seizure.

    Reply
  • 2. Erica  |  November 23, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    I was going to leave my first ever comment, but suddenly had a seizure after staring at your gorgeous header.

    Reply
  • 3. kristin @ going country  |  November 23, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Nothing says “festive” like a blinking turkey in a Santa hat. Sweet.

    Reply
  • 4. Amy  |  November 23, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    You might have jumped the shark with that header, JT. I mean, what can possibly top that for the new year?

    Reply
  • 5. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  November 23, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Well, I was actually going to point out that you have PUT YOUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP BEFORE THANKSGIVING, but that would seem Scrooge-a-licious of me after the treat of Googlemania, which we all know that I live for, so I’ll just keep my trap shut.

    Reply
  • 6. FoST  |  November 25, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    HAHA…what does it mean. Too good.

    Reply
  • 7. Mermanda  |  December 1, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    i can haz glittering banner tew?

    Reply

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