Shanksgiblins I Have Known

November 25, 2009 at 12:43 pm 15 comments

A couple of years ago via email, my friend Bird and I started discussing our Thanksgiving plans. For some reason, one of us referred to the holiday as “Thanksgibbin,” and then it became a game of fucking with the word until barely recognizable (“Fankshiblin,” “Thanesmibin”), and thus, my favorite bastardization – “Shanksgiblin” – was born.

Bird is also the friend with whom I shared a very fateful trip to Chicago for grad school auditions. Through a series of very un-fun events, we ran out of money and had to stay at the posh Hotel Cass, where the front desk staff sat safely behind BULLETPROOF GLASS. I was entirely confident we’d never live to see another Ganksfibbin.

Anyway, today we leave for WV to spend our Thanksgiving being generally ignored by everyone while they fawn over the baby. I’m really looking forward to Sadie getting her first taste of turkey and pumpkin pie, so I’ll be doing my best to ensure all major family blow-ups occur after we’ve all had our fill of whipped topping.

Joins Coffeemate on the list of “Foods I Want To Make The Hydrogenated Nasty With.”

Last year at precisely this time, I was anxiously awaiting updates from my sister, who was experiencing the joys of being in labor whilst sick with the flu. I spent the very early hours of Thanksgiving 2008 staring at my newborn niece and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I’d be meeting a similarly squishy and crinkly individual just a few months later.

O HAI. AM UR NEECE. PUMPKIN PIE NAO, PLZ.

Obviously, last year was a pretty spectacular Thanksgiving, but some of my other favorites include the two years my we hosted my parents in our apartment in Queens, then took them to explore New York City afterwards.

Each year, my Dad insisted on getting a hot dog from a street cart. Add “Street Cart Hot Dogs” to the list of “Foods I Always Pretend I’m Grossed Out By But Secretly Love And Pray They Will Not Give Me Diarrhea.”

In 2005, we hosted BOTH sets of parents in our new house – the house we had just moved into ONE MONTH PRIOR. Internet, I do not so much recommend doing this, unless you have some pretty friendly narcotics on hand. I recall spending roughly 80 frillion dollars on food, booze, and holiday decorations, and staying up until 2am the night before on my hands and knees (hot!) scrubbing the floor of the entryway (not hot). Then I made the classic mistake of drinking while cooking, so that when it came time to eat, I was too tired and buzzed to really give a hot damn about food.

And then my mother-in-law was scandalized by the fact that I did not own a proper gravy ladle and my head exploded, the end.

Honestly, I’m really not all that hard to please when it comes to Thanksgiving. As long as I get a chance to see some of the Macy’s parade on TV and manage to fill my belly with turkey and pumpkin pie, I’m happy. I don’t care where the meal comes from (last year, we ate at a YOOGE hotel buffet, where there were approximately ten kinds of pie OHTHANKYOUJESUS), I don’t care who hosts (although I’m getting itchy to host at our house again – someone please slap me soundly about the face), I just want 1) parade, 2) food, and oh yeah, 3) family. Even though that last one sometimes makes me want to don a disguise of a pilgrim hat and fancy eyelashes and spend the holiday coasting down Broadway with some pilgrims on my back.

My favorite part about the whole damn parade. Well, except when the singers mess up their lip syncing or almost fall off the floats due to sudden stops. Hee.

Anyway, family drama aside (and I am seriously hoping it stays aside this year), I’m very excited about Sadie’s first Thanksgiving. Now that the enormous task of getting her things packed for the trip is done,* I can sit back and concentrate on giving thanks for the most awesome little turkey I know.

A little turkey who, I might add, now knows how to climb the stairs. She’ll be running marathons by Christmas, I know it.

* Internet, I cannot even begin to explain to you how stressed out I get trying to pack outfits for Sadie whenever we go on a trip. It always starts out innocently enough: I pick out a few outfits, fold them up, DONE! But wait! Do those pants still fit? Isn’t that onesie a little short? Will it be cold this weekend? Why don’t I have tights that match? DAMMIT what if she has an assplosion and I need to change her?! I NEED AN ENTIRE SET OF BACK-UP OUTFIT PIECES, AND THEY ALL MUST FIT AND MATCH!!1!! It took me approximately 1 hour this morning to pack three outfits for a 7.5-month-old baby. And I still had yet to experience the fresh hell of packing my OWN clothes for the trip.

Although I generally do not have to plan ahead for my own assplosions. Generally.

Have a happy and assplosion-free Thanksgiving, Internet!

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Oh, Right: THANKSGIVING It Has Begun

15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin @ going country  |  November 25, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Right back at ya, J.T.

    Reply
  • 2. Josh  |  November 25, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving!! Is that last picture, a backpack of some sort! BOO BACKPACK!! BOO!!

    Reply
  • 3. Dana  |  November 25, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    What is it with your MIL/my Aunt about Gravy? She totally got us a gravy boat, with ladle for our wedding. lol!

    Have fun, we are ditching the fam and going to stay here at home and eat at Cracker Barrel, its awesome and no one tells you that your going to hell for not getting the baby baptized and no one tries to sneak off to church with your kid.

    Oh and no one ignores you either.

    Reply
  • 5. Kerry  |  November 25, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving or some variation of it!

    Reply
  • 6. Amy  |  November 25, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    Thanksgiving is the best holiday…I’m already strapping on the feed bag for tomorrow! Have a great one, JT. Gobble Gobble.

    Reply
  • 7. Marcy  |  November 25, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving – hope Sadie enjoys her first taste of pumpkin pie! Remember those teeth are just practice ones ; )

    Reply
  • 8. shelli  |  November 26, 2009 at 12:12 am

    mmmmm, pie.

    Reply
  • 9. MLE  |  November 26, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you get a plethora of tasty food and a dearth of family drama.

    Reply
  • 10. Sara  |  November 26, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving, JT! Sadie is the cutest little turkey. Let your family fawn over her; maybe by ignoring you, they’ll forget to ask you all sorts of stupid annoying questions! Maybe.

    Reply
  • 11. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  November 27, 2009 at 4:42 am

    This has little to do with Thanksgiving but I thought you would enjoy these.

    http://thefuckingweather.com/
    http://barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com/ (click on itttt)

    Reply
  • 12. MLE  |  November 27, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Also, I’ll have you know that I’m finally giving in to my potato chips-and-onion dip craving that I’ve had since you posted that photo, you bastard-covered bastard with bastard sauce. šŸ˜€

    Reply
    • 13. HoST  |  November 30, 2009 at 10:13 am

      MLE, I love this:

      “you bastard-covered bastard with bastard sauce”

      Reply
      • 14. MLE  |  November 30, 2009 at 12:24 pm

        Thanks, Brad! I stole it from something – Scrubs, maybe.

  • 15. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  December 7, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    You know, I generally save my assplosions for Christmas.

    Reply

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